New Post... Finally

Well, the month mark has come and gone. I am better. On the outside. I make it seem like I have moved on and actually some days I feel I have.

I can't lie though. My heart still hurts everyday and every time my phone rings my heart gets happy for a minute thinking it could be him. I don't know when these things will pass but I hope its sooner rather than later.

I'm sick of feeling sad inside and faking happiness on the outside.

I want to be happy again.

I do have good days and I expect the bad days.

I have started to wear makeup and I bought a new pair of glasses (which I love and make me extremely happy, most of the time)!

I feel like there is not enough retail therapy in the world for me and I just cant seem to even move on in my mind. People tell me to get engrossed with something else. Work. Friends. Hobbies.

Well, I don't know what else I can do I go out about 2 times a week with my friends. Golf 1 time a week and work 4 12 hour shifts. I don't have much time for much else but even when I am so busy, I still feel him in my heart. I guess he'll always be there and I just have to move on with that weight on my heart but maybe, even with the weight there, I will be able to move on and be happy again.

Medical wise: still doing bad. Swelling is spreading. Headaches have decreased. Tremors have increased. Spine pain is through the roof. And I feel like I have 10 kidney stones. Shit. Oh well, thank God I have had pain for 3/4 of my life and can get through that otherwise I might be even more of a wreck than I am now!

Well, if you didn't notice I am kind of glad. I did indeed try to call all of my doctors NUMEROUS!! times this weekend (well, Friday and Saturday). Left voicemails for the receptionists, nurses, schedulers, billers (well, only at 2 of them) and the doctors.

Little did my small fried brain remember the holiday of the Fourth of July. Oops. I guess doctors are just like the rest of us and wanted a vacation with the holiday.

I do have an appointment with one doctor tomorrow, my asthma/ allergy/ immunotherapist doctor. However, I see him once a week and can't say that this isi progress.

I think that they forgot to call me back or just got sick of my couple/ few/ 20 messages on their machines saying that I had called numerous times and no one was returning my calls. Oh Julia, you're so stupid.

I guess I'll try again this week sometime. I also have to go to my dentist sometime soon-ish. I have missed the last couple years and it is actually starting to bug me. I want to use those Crest Whitestrips but don't want to until I know my teeth are as clean as they can be. (If anyone has used Crest Whitestrips or brands/ products like that, please let me know your experience.)

Anyway, on another topic, work sucks. I hate it. Sorry thats brutal but I really wanted to just sit down today and tell people off when they asked me to help them. Oh well, I made it through another 12 hour. Only 3 more to go this week!! =\

And on another topic, one that I should probably just lay to rest is John. Of course, why not just bring him up. It has been 23 days now that we have broken up. Probably 24 by the time anyone reads this. I am still so dead inside from it. I have an amazing support system at work and they were all so nice today. Right now, I really want to believe them that life goes on. I kind of have to believe it since John already has a new girlfriend. But it just doesn't seem to be falling into place for me. I can't seem to make it go in the right direction, no matter how hard I try!

If anyone has ever been through a nasty, nasty break up please let me know what you did to get your mind off of it and be happy again! Thanks, I would SO appreciate that right now!

It's Time

I know I just posted yesterday about feeling like shit but it's been going on since if not before the break up that happened two weeks and 3 days ago.

I am doing really bad. Not just emotionally but physically which isnt helping the whole emotional thing. I am trying to look ahead and be positive but I just cant, everything I ever saw in my future involved John and I can't seem to picture anything but him in my future which just breaks my heart all over again.

Anyways back to the bug deal at hand. I am calling my doctors, obviously not tonight, it is too late, but I am calling and making my appointments for hopefully Saturday or Tuesday.

SHIT.

I didn't want it to come to this and when I woke up this morning I felt like I might be okay, maybe just a little better than last night. After my shower, I fell apart all over again. Swollen, headache, joint problems and some massive other problems that would require some more explaining before I write about them.

SHIT.

This sucks. I seriously hate my life right now. Hate it. And that's sad and I don't want to hate it but every time I try to be happy and do something that would make me happy I just picture John there with me.

It's sad to live like this and I truly hope that some day I can be like him and move on.

I just want some peace in my life.

Nothing New... Well, Not Really

I still feel like shit. No. I am not okay. I feel like I will never be okay.

However, there is some "new" news.

I guess it isn't new news because it has been happening since I was in 6th grade/9th grade.

I won't go into my medical history but if you add it up I have approximately 10 medical diagnoses.

I am a sick person every day. It isn't a cold that goes away it is something I have lived with since the time they appeared. Noncurable but not really life threatening.

Anyways, back to the "new" news. I had been doing SO good since I had started dating John. Although I am still on all of my medications, I was doing better. No breakthrough pain, no real bad problems.

Well, it's been 2 weeks and a day and a half and I am doing terribly medical wise. I have been having severe edema, severe swelling and fluid, severe pain and severe neurological symptoms. I am not doing good, at all, emotionally or medically.

Medications aren't helping now and I am starting to get worried. I feel like every night will finally be the night I cave and have to be admitted to the hospital.

SHIT.

I hate being a patient in the hospital, especially when I have so many diagnoses. The medications aren't going to miraculously start working and there is nothing new wrong with me that wasn't wrong with me in the first place.

It is just a big sit around and stare at walls fest. I am not ready for that right now. I am not ready for life outside of my mind right now. But I wasn't ready for these medical problems and am really really really.... etc. etc. struggling.

I wish someone could make it better or that it was just a nightmare that I could wake up from.

Please someone tell me it will get better.