Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday John.

You will be 22 today. I can't call you up and tell you and I can't buy you presents and give them to you. This is the first birthday in many birthday's of yours that I wont be with you. You don't care but it hurts a little more today knowing that this is one more celebration we don't get to have together. The holiday's are looming and Thanksgiving and Christmas were our favorites! I see all the decorations and all of the happy couples shopping together and I cry. For us. For me mostly. You have another girl in your life. Have for a while. You'll have someone to cuddle up to and exchange gifts with and I will still sit in my empty house staring at walls thinking of you.

I miss you John. Maybe now more than ever.

People always told me that it gets easier with time. When does the time that it gets easier with start? It's been 4 months and it seems like I haven't seen him in ages. I still hurt everyday. I still want him back in my life. I want to marry him like we were supposed to be doing right about now... I want my life back. I realize now that I wont ever forget him and I wont ever stop hurting completely but it shouldn't be THIS bad still, should it?

I wasn't prepared mentally or physically for it. I am a complete train wreck and it seems like there were a lot of fatalities on that train... It hurts. I get it. I've had my heart broken once before this last time but it was nothing like this. Why is this time so much harder? What made this one so different? Why am I still hurting?