Happy Birthday John.
You will be 22 today. I can't call you up and tell you and I can't buy you presents and give them to you. This is the first birthday in many birthday's of yours that I wont be with you. You don't care but it hurts a little more today knowing that this is one more celebration we don't get to have together. The holiday's are looming and Thanksgiving and Christmas were our favorites! I see all the decorations and all of the happy couples shopping together and I cry. For us. For me mostly. You have another girl in your life. Have for a while. You'll have someone to cuddle up to and exchange gifts with and I will still sit in my empty house staring at walls thinking of you.
I miss you John. Maybe now more than ever.
People always told me that it gets easier with time. When does the time that it gets easier with start? It's been 4 months and it seems like I haven't seen him in ages. I still hurt everyday. I still want him back in my life. I want to marry him like we were supposed to be doing right about now... I want my life back. I realize now that I wont ever forget him and I wont ever stop hurting completely but it shouldn't be THIS bad still, should it?
I wasn't prepared mentally or physically for it. I am a complete train wreck and it seems like there were a lot of fatalities on that train... It hurts. I get it. I've had my heart broken once before this last time but it was nothing like this. Why is this time so much harder? What made this one so different? Why am I still hurting?
October 22, 2009
September 29, 2009
The C Word... Sorry (I stole this title)
As probably none of you know my family has been through the cancer ringer enough times to stop counting now.
A fellow blogger (Jessica) just wrote about her friend getting cancer (and it seems very advanced for such a young age! good luck to her and her family!)
My mother and sister both has ovarian cancer and it metastasized to many other organs in both of them. They both had massive surgery to evacuate all of the organs that could be taken out and pieces of organs that can't (rectum, intestines, liver, you catch my drift).
My family was fortunate enough to have the BEST gynecological oncologist in the entire world: Dr. Stephen Andrews. (Who now resides as a big wig at The Ohio State University Hopsital)! (You go Dr. Andrews! Thank you for all of your hard work and effort into saving my family! I will never forget you or your staff and I love you with all of my heart. I can never say thank you enough for the extra time that you gave us with our loved ones!)
However, many other women and men are inflicted with this terrible disease every day and it is found too late and there is no cure... not yet!!
I know that sometime in my lifetime there will be a cure. If I am so unlucky and get this disease then I want there to be as many options as possible... as I am sure most anyone would when faced with this situation.
Whatever anyone can do to raise awareness helps. I love doing the Ovarian Cancer Walk!! Love it!! This year I went to the walk and fundraised before and I raised $80. $80 doesn't seem like much but it is more than they had before!! $80 probably wont find a cure but it's $80 to add to someone else's $80 and so on until we have raised enough to learn all we can and do all we can!
Cancer is one of my favorite fundraising causes and it means so much to me when I see other people raising money for these charities that support a cure too!!
Remember: Cancer is a word, not a sentence!
A fellow blogger (Jessica) just wrote about her friend getting cancer (and it seems very advanced for such a young age! good luck to her and her family!)
My mother and sister both has ovarian cancer and it metastasized to many other organs in both of them. They both had massive surgery to evacuate all of the organs that could be taken out and pieces of organs that can't (rectum, intestines, liver, you catch my drift).
My family was fortunate enough to have the BEST gynecological oncologist in the entire world: Dr. Stephen Andrews. (Who now resides as a big wig at The Ohio State University Hopsital)! (You go Dr. Andrews! Thank you for all of your hard work and effort into saving my family! I will never forget you or your staff and I love you with all of my heart. I can never say thank you enough for the extra time that you gave us with our loved ones!)
However, many other women and men are inflicted with this terrible disease every day and it is found too late and there is no cure... not yet!!
I know that sometime in my lifetime there will be a cure. If I am so unlucky and get this disease then I want there to be as many options as possible... as I am sure most anyone would when faced with this situation.
Whatever anyone can do to raise awareness helps. I love doing the Ovarian Cancer Walk!! Love it!! This year I went to the walk and fundraised before and I raised $80. $80 doesn't seem like much but it is more than they had before!! $80 probably wont find a cure but it's $80 to add to someone else's $80 and so on until we have raised enough to learn all we can and do all we can!
Cancer is one of my favorite fundraising causes and it means so much to me when I see other people raising money for these charities that support a cure too!!
Remember: Cancer is a word, not a sentence!
September 12, 2009
It's Been Rough Lately.
I have not stopped thinking about John lately. I don't know what it is but it just keeps getting harder and harder to get over him. I can't pretend he wasn't part of my life in a major way but I wish I could at least not think about his 23/7.
Does he think of me?
Is he happy with his new girlfriend?
How's his liver?
Does he take his meds anymore?
Does he even need his meds anymore?
What are his doctors saying?
Did he keep any of the things I gave him?
How's he holding up?
Am I the only one struggling to move on?
There are so many questions running through my mind and it is so hard to answer them. I feel like a lot of the relationship was a lie on his part so I don't feel like I can answer those questions.
Everyone always said it would only get easier every day and it hasn't. It's gotten worse.
A couple new changes: My tattoo has healed and I love it! (I'll have to put a picture of the final/ healed . I got my ear's pierced (I am shocked that I did this... I'll have to post pictures of all of this stuff) and my new glasses which no one has seen yet (at least no one that reads this blog).
Well I will be in and out until I really move on and get better. Hopefully people are right and it does get easier ... maybe it wont be by day... maybe by months but I'll keep ya'll posted.
Does he think of me?
Is he happy with his new girlfriend?
How's his liver?
Does he take his meds anymore?
Does he even need his meds anymore?
What are his doctors saying?
Did he keep any of the things I gave him?
How's he holding up?
Am I the only one struggling to move on?
There are so many questions running through my mind and it is so hard to answer them. I feel like a lot of the relationship was a lie on his part so I don't feel like I can answer those questions.
Everyone always said it would only get easier every day and it hasn't. It's gotten worse.
A couple new changes: My tattoo has healed and I love it! (I'll have to put a picture of the final/ healed . I got my ear's pierced (I am shocked that I did this... I'll have to post pictures of all of this stuff) and my new glasses which no one has seen yet (at least no one that reads this blog).
Well I will be in and out until I really move on and get better. Hopefully people are right and it does get easier ... maybe it wont be by day... maybe by months but I'll keep ya'll posted.
September 4, 2009
Absent
I have been absent lately... not a big deal but I felt like I should post another post.
I have started school... actually I startd 2 weeks ago but anyways... it's okay... school is school.
I have been having a hard time lately with the whole John thing. I think it's because he was always my support when we were in school and now I don't have anyone.
I have been talking to a lot of people (family and friends) and I think that we have decided that eHamony or match.com would be a good idea for me. I'd only do it for a few months and if nothing happens than just find alternate routes to finding the right guy for me.
I know I will find someone special someday. Right now I'm still getting over the fact that I thought I already has that someone special.
Oh well life moves on.
More later.
I have started school... actually I startd 2 weeks ago but anyways... it's okay... school is school.
I have been having a hard time lately with the whole John thing. I think it's because he was always my support when we were in school and now I don't have anyone.
I have been talking to a lot of people (family and friends) and I think that we have decided that eHamony or match.com would be a good idea for me. I'd only do it for a few months and if nothing happens than just find alternate routes to finding the right guy for me.
I know I will find someone special someday. Right now I'm still getting over the fact that I thought I already has that someone special.
Oh well life moves on.
More later.
August 17, 2009
I am SHOCKED!
So I went to the doctor today and let me tell you something... I am SHOCKED... hence the title of this post.
Lets begin with a mini history... I have the circulation of an 85 year old... no offense to all of you 85 year olds out there but the truth is you dont have very good circulation... but I'm in that boat with you!! Anyways. No one, (read: the one doctor that I have gone to in 2003), can figure out why this is.
So anyways I go to him today (read: 30 minute wait, 5 minute appt.), and he does nothing. He figured it would get worse... =O
He orders a venous reflux scan (which I have had before)... Here before I waste my time and money please let me tell you what those results will be... Negative! I don't have reflux... If I had reflux I would have better circulation than an 85 year old... like really?? Really??
Okay moving on... I'll also order some compression stockings (you know those tight knee highs that all the older people wear with shorts, yup, those) and those should help. Well, we've tried that before, just like we've tried the scan and those only aggravate the problem!
Frickin Fantastic! Really! I'm thrilled (read: pissed) that this is your conclusion!
I was in shock. He is doing everything that I have been doing for the past 6 years all over again... I could just cry... I would prefer them to amputate my legs. I would be so happy and I wouldnt have to deal with this pain day in and out. I already have enough things to worry about... I would just like an answer after 6 years!!
Lets begin with a mini history... I have the circulation of an 85 year old... no offense to all of you 85 year olds out there but the truth is you dont have very good circulation... but I'm in that boat with you!! Anyways. No one, (read: the one doctor that I have gone to in 2003), can figure out why this is.
So anyways I go to him today (read: 30 minute wait, 5 minute appt.), and he does nothing. He figured it would get worse... =O
He orders a venous reflux scan (which I have had before)... Here before I waste my time and money please let me tell you what those results will be... Negative! I don't have reflux... If I had reflux I would have better circulation than an 85 year old... like really?? Really??
Okay moving on... I'll also order some compression stockings (you know those tight knee highs that all the older people wear with shorts, yup, those) and those should help. Well, we've tried that before, just like we've tried the scan and those only aggravate the problem!
Frickin Fantastic! Really! I'm thrilled (read: pissed) that this is your conclusion!
I was in shock. He is doing everything that I have been doing for the past 6 years all over again... I could just cry... I would prefer them to amputate my legs. I would be so happy and I wouldnt have to deal with this pain day in and out. I already have enough things to worry about... I would just like an answer after 6 years!!
August 8, 2009
More Info on the Tattoo!
After I posted the last picture I thought... maybe you should have explained that a little better... so here goes.
The tattoo is an ovarian cancer ribbon and the years are the years that both my sister ('02) and mom ('05) were diagnosed. It is on my stomach and it is over my left ovary because that is the ovary that all three of us girls have/ had trouble with. Always the left side... weird... I guess genetics is funny like that.
It is finally starting the final stage of the healing process and it ITCHES SO MUCH!!
I just want it to stop itching. No amount of lotion or Benadryl will make it stop. I am a little leary of putting my Benadryl cream on it... I don't want something to happen to the color. I think I will post another picture after it is completely done peeling and is super pretty. It looks even better now than yesterday!!
I am so excited I got it done but I have to say that is the only one I can ever get! I never expected it to hurt as much as it did but I was a trooper and didn't cry or scream or fidget and I went by myself!!
I give MAJOR kudos to the people who have more than 1 tattoo! I wish I was that brave because I can think of a few more things I would love to get a tattoo of!
Oh well, hope ya'll like it!
The tattoo is an ovarian cancer ribbon and the years are the years that both my sister ('02) and mom ('05) were diagnosed. It is on my stomach and it is over my left ovary because that is the ovary that all three of us girls have/ had trouble with. Always the left side... weird... I guess genetics is funny like that.
It is finally starting the final stage of the healing process and it ITCHES SO MUCH!!
I just want it to stop itching. No amount of lotion or Benadryl will make it stop. I am a little leary of putting my Benadryl cream on it... I don't want something to happen to the color. I think I will post another picture after it is completely done peeling and is super pretty. It looks even better now than yesterday!!
I am so excited I got it done but I have to say that is the only one I can ever get! I never expected it to hurt as much as it did but I was a trooper and didn't cry or scream or fidget and I went by myself!!
I give MAJOR kudos to the people who have more than 1 tattoo! I wish I was that brave because I can think of a few more things I would love to get a tattoo of!
Oh well, hope ya'll like it!
August 6, 2009
tattoo...
This is the Tattoo (I have no idea how to turn pictures so sorry if you sprain your neck looking!):
August 1, 2009
Life is Changing
So I know that the song "I am Changing" by Jennifer Holiday is SUCH A GREAT SONG. But especially now when everything is changing it might be "my song".
It's a pick me up in a way and I love hearing it and thinking of all the things in my life that are changing. Let us see.
1) I finally started making doctors appt's again. Not too excited about it but maybe this time I can get some concerte answers and some new med regimens!
2) I am getting a tattoo! I know CRAZY!! It's totally not me but after I get it I will post a picture and explain the significance behind it. I love it and have been thinking about getting one for many years now! I'm getting it Monday at 1230 so please pray for me that it goes well and is the least painful it can be!
3) I feel so much happier! I don't know what it is, maybe the time that has passed but I don't think about John as much as I did and I feel that I am a little more at piece with the whole situation. (I also talked with a bunch of people I work with and they laid it out for me and told me that I will always have love for him in my heart but I still have to move on feeling like that! That made so much sense and has helped so much!)
4) I am getting a few new neurological symptoms. This probably means nothing to all of you but suffice it to say I was in a coma for 2.5 weeks when I was 11 because of a brain trauma and I have mostly recovered from it but now things are reappearing. I guess I'll just have to learn how to live with them all over again.
Well, for right now that is all I can think about, but I feel like thats a pretty good list. (for now).
Well, I thought an update would be nice! (Maybe I'll post a picture of my new glasses too with the post about my tattoo!)
YAY!! NEW LEASES ON LIFE ARE GREAT!!
It's a pick me up in a way and I love hearing it and thinking of all the things in my life that are changing. Let us see.
1) I finally started making doctors appt's again. Not too excited about it but maybe this time I can get some concerte answers and some new med regimens!
2) I am getting a tattoo! I know CRAZY!! It's totally not me but after I get it I will post a picture and explain the significance behind it. I love it and have been thinking about getting one for many years now! I'm getting it Monday at 1230 so please pray for me that it goes well and is the least painful it can be!
3) I feel so much happier! I don't know what it is, maybe the time that has passed but I don't think about John as much as I did and I feel that I am a little more at piece with the whole situation. (I also talked with a bunch of people I work with and they laid it out for me and told me that I will always have love for him in my heart but I still have to move on feeling like that! That made so much sense and has helped so much!)
4) I am getting a few new neurological symptoms. This probably means nothing to all of you but suffice it to say I was in a coma for 2.5 weeks when I was 11 because of a brain trauma and I have mostly recovered from it but now things are reappearing. I guess I'll just have to learn how to live with them all over again.
Well, for right now that is all I can think about, but I feel like thats a pretty good list. (for now).
Well, I thought an update would be nice! (Maybe I'll post a picture of my new glasses too with the post about my tattoo!)
YAY!! NEW LEASES ON LIFE ARE GREAT!!
July 18, 2009
New Post... Finally
Well, the month mark has come and gone. I am better. On the outside. I make it seem like I have moved on and actually some days I feel I have.
I can't lie though. My heart still hurts everyday and every time my phone rings my heart gets happy for a minute thinking it could be him. I don't know when these things will pass but I hope its sooner rather than later.
I'm sick of feeling sad inside and faking happiness on the outside.
I want to be happy again.
I do have good days and I expect the bad days.
I have started to wear makeup and I bought a new pair of glasses (which I love and make me extremely happy, most of the time)!
I feel like there is not enough retail therapy in the world for me and I just cant seem to even move on in my mind. People tell me to get engrossed with something else. Work. Friends. Hobbies.
Well, I don't know what else I can do I go out about 2 times a week with my friends. Golf 1 time a week and work 4 12 hour shifts. I don't have much time for much else but even when I am so busy, I still feel him in my heart. I guess he'll always be there and I just have to move on with that weight on my heart but maybe, even with the weight there, I will be able to move on and be happy again.
Medical wise: still doing bad. Swelling is spreading. Headaches have decreased. Tremors have increased. Spine pain is through the roof. And I feel like I have 10 kidney stones. Shit. Oh well, thank God I have had pain for 3/4 of my life and can get through that otherwise I might be even more of a wreck than I am now!
I can't lie though. My heart still hurts everyday and every time my phone rings my heart gets happy for a minute thinking it could be him. I don't know when these things will pass but I hope its sooner rather than later.
I'm sick of feeling sad inside and faking happiness on the outside.
I want to be happy again.
I do have good days and I expect the bad days.
I have started to wear makeup and I bought a new pair of glasses (which I love and make me extremely happy, most of the time)!
I feel like there is not enough retail therapy in the world for me and I just cant seem to even move on in my mind. People tell me to get engrossed with something else. Work. Friends. Hobbies.
Well, I don't know what else I can do I go out about 2 times a week with my friends. Golf 1 time a week and work 4 12 hour shifts. I don't have much time for much else but even when I am so busy, I still feel him in my heart. I guess he'll always be there and I just have to move on with that weight on my heart but maybe, even with the weight there, I will be able to move on and be happy again.
Medical wise: still doing bad. Swelling is spreading. Headaches have decreased. Tremors have increased. Spine pain is through the roof. And I feel like I have 10 kidney stones. Shit. Oh well, thank God I have had pain for 3/4 of my life and can get through that otherwise I might be even more of a wreck than I am now!
July 6, 2009
Well, if you didn't notice I am kind of glad. I did indeed try to call all of my doctors NUMEROUS!! times this weekend (well, Friday and Saturday). Left voicemails for the receptionists, nurses, schedulers, billers (well, only at 2 of them) and the doctors.
Little did my small fried brain remember the holiday of the Fourth of July. Oops. I guess doctors are just like the rest of us and wanted a vacation with the holiday.
I do have an appointment with one doctor tomorrow, my asthma/ allergy/ immunotherapist doctor. However, I see him once a week and can't say that this isi progress.
I think that they forgot to call me back or just got sick of my couple/ few/ 20 messages on their machines saying that I had called numerous times and no one was returning my calls. Oh Julia, you're so stupid.
I guess I'll try again this week sometime. I also have to go to my dentist sometime soon-ish. I have missed the last couple years and it is actually starting to bug me. I want to use those Crest Whitestrips but don't want to until I know my teeth are as clean as they can be. (If anyone has used Crest Whitestrips or brands/ products like that, please let me know your experience.)
Anyway, on another topic, work sucks. I hate it. Sorry thats brutal but I really wanted to just sit down today and tell people off when they asked me to help them. Oh well, I made it through another 12 hour. Only 3 more to go this week!! =\
And on another topic, one that I should probably just lay to rest is John. Of course, why not just bring him up. It has been 23 days now that we have broken up. Probably 24 by the time anyone reads this. I am still so dead inside from it. I have an amazing support system at work and they were all so nice today. Right now, I really want to believe them that life goes on. I kind of have to believe it since John already has a new girlfriend. But it just doesn't seem to be falling into place for me. I can't seem to make it go in the right direction, no matter how hard I try!
If anyone has ever been through a nasty, nasty break up please let me know what you did to get your mind off of it and be happy again! Thanks, I would SO appreciate that right now!
Little did my small fried brain remember the holiday of the Fourth of July. Oops. I guess doctors are just like the rest of us and wanted a vacation with the holiday.
I do have an appointment with one doctor tomorrow, my asthma/ allergy/ immunotherapist doctor. However, I see him once a week and can't say that this isi progress.
I think that they forgot to call me back or just got sick of my couple/ few/ 20 messages on their machines saying that I had called numerous times and no one was returning my calls. Oh Julia, you're so stupid.
I guess I'll try again this week sometime. I also have to go to my dentist sometime soon-ish. I have missed the last couple years and it is actually starting to bug me. I want to use those Crest Whitestrips but don't want to until I know my teeth are as clean as they can be. (If anyone has used Crest Whitestrips or brands/ products like that, please let me know your experience.)
Anyway, on another topic, work sucks. I hate it. Sorry thats brutal but I really wanted to just sit down today and tell people off when they asked me to help them. Oh well, I made it through another 12 hour. Only 3 more to go this week!! =\
And on another topic, one that I should probably just lay to rest is John. Of course, why not just bring him up. It has been 23 days now that we have broken up. Probably 24 by the time anyone reads this. I am still so dead inside from it. I have an amazing support system at work and they were all so nice today. Right now, I really want to believe them that life goes on. I kind of have to believe it since John already has a new girlfriend. But it just doesn't seem to be falling into place for me. I can't seem to make it go in the right direction, no matter how hard I try!
If anyone has ever been through a nasty, nasty break up please let me know what you did to get your mind off of it and be happy again! Thanks, I would SO appreciate that right now!
July 2, 2009
It's Time
I know I just posted yesterday about feeling like shit but it's been going on since if not before the break up that happened two weeks and 3 days ago.
I am doing really bad. Not just emotionally but physically which isnt helping the whole emotional thing. I am trying to look ahead and be positive but I just cant, everything I ever saw in my future involved John and I can't seem to picture anything but him in my future which just breaks my heart all over again.
Anyways back to the bug deal at hand. I am calling my doctors, obviously not tonight, it is too late, but I am calling and making my appointments for hopefully Saturday or Tuesday.
SHIT.
I didn't want it to come to this and when I woke up this morning I felt like I might be okay, maybe just a little better than last night. After my shower, I fell apart all over again. Swollen, headache, joint problems and some massive other problems that would require some more explaining before I write about them.
SHIT.
This sucks. I seriously hate my life right now. Hate it. And that's sad and I don't want to hate it but every time I try to be happy and do something that would make me happy I just picture John there with me.
It's sad to live like this and I truly hope that some day I can be like him and move on.
I just want some peace in my life.
I am doing really bad. Not just emotionally but physically which isnt helping the whole emotional thing. I am trying to look ahead and be positive but I just cant, everything I ever saw in my future involved John and I can't seem to picture anything but him in my future which just breaks my heart all over again.
Anyways back to the bug deal at hand. I am calling my doctors, obviously not tonight, it is too late, but I am calling and making my appointments for hopefully Saturday or Tuesday.
SHIT.
I didn't want it to come to this and when I woke up this morning I felt like I might be okay, maybe just a little better than last night. After my shower, I fell apart all over again. Swollen, headache, joint problems and some massive other problems that would require some more explaining before I write about them.
SHIT.
This sucks. I seriously hate my life right now. Hate it. And that's sad and I don't want to hate it but every time I try to be happy and do something that would make me happy I just picture John there with me.
It's sad to live like this and I truly hope that some day I can be like him and move on.
I just want some peace in my life.
July 1, 2009
Nothing New... Well, Not Really
I still feel like shit. No. I am not okay. I feel like I will never be okay.
However, there is some "new" news.
I guess it isn't new news because it has been happening since I was in 6th grade/9th grade.
I won't go into my medical history but if you add it up I have approximately 10 medical diagnoses.
I am a sick person every day. It isn't a cold that goes away it is something I have lived with since the time they appeared. Noncurable but not really life threatening.
Anyways, back to the "new" news. I had been doing SO good since I had started dating John. Although I am still on all of my medications, I was doing better. No breakthrough pain, no real bad problems.
Well, it's been 2 weeks and a day and a half and I am doing terribly medical wise. I have been having severe edema, severe swelling and fluid, severe pain and severe neurological symptoms. I am not doing good, at all, emotionally or medically.
Medications aren't helping now and I am starting to get worried. I feel like every night will finally be the night I cave and have to be admitted to the hospital.
SHIT.
I hate being a patient in the hospital, especially when I have so many diagnoses. The medications aren't going to miraculously start working and there is nothing new wrong with me that wasn't wrong with me in the first place.
It is just a big sit around and stare at walls fest. I am not ready for that right now. I am not ready for life outside of my mind right now. But I wasn't ready for these medical problems and am really really really.... etc. etc. struggling.
I wish someone could make it better or that it was just a nightmare that I could wake up from.
Please someone tell me it will get better.
However, there is some "new" news.
I guess it isn't new news because it has been happening since I was in 6th grade/9th grade.
I won't go into my medical history but if you add it up I have approximately 10 medical diagnoses.
I am a sick person every day. It isn't a cold that goes away it is something I have lived with since the time they appeared. Noncurable but not really life threatening.
Anyways, back to the "new" news. I had been doing SO good since I had started dating John. Although I am still on all of my medications, I was doing better. No breakthrough pain, no real bad problems.
Well, it's been 2 weeks and a day and a half and I am doing terribly medical wise. I have been having severe edema, severe swelling and fluid, severe pain and severe neurological symptoms. I am not doing good, at all, emotionally or medically.
Medications aren't helping now and I am starting to get worried. I feel like every night will finally be the night I cave and have to be admitted to the hospital.
SHIT.
I hate being a patient in the hospital, especially when I have so many diagnoses. The medications aren't going to miraculously start working and there is nothing new wrong with me that wasn't wrong with me in the first place.
It is just a big sit around and stare at walls fest. I am not ready for that right now. I am not ready for life outside of my mind right now. But I wasn't ready for these medical problems and am really really really.... etc. etc. struggling.
I wish someone could make it better or that it was just a nightmare that I could wake up from.
Please someone tell me it will get better.
June 17, 2009
Might As Well Have An Update
Well. It's been a long couple of days.
I haven't slept or ate anything for about 4 days now. I feel like shit but every time I try to eat I just get sick so it's not really worth doing.
Anyways, Monday night, so 2 days ago. John and I ended our relationship. It's no longer a break. It's a true break up. There was crying and screaming and he just wanted to get it over with.
As far as I know and from what I have heard from reliable sources (very reliable) there is another girl in the picture. I guess that's the worst part. I couldn't be good enough for him.
I guess I realize that some day I will move on again but right now I am stuck in a deep deep deep rut that is trapping me and wont let me out. I feel like I need to talk to him one more time and get closure. I don't know how to talk to him anymore though. I need him to understand that I am hurting and he shattered every part of me for a while. I need him to understand what he did is his fault and not mine. I also want to write his parents notes and thank them for everything while we were together.
It's rather difficult working through this in my head and I miss part of having a boyfriend where I had someone to cuddle with and to talk to and to kiss goodnight. I would love to have that again someday but from how I feel now I am worried that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.
I don't know what to do! I'm just in limbo land. And heartbroken.
I haven't slept or ate anything for about 4 days now. I feel like shit but every time I try to eat I just get sick so it's not really worth doing.
Anyways, Monday night, so 2 days ago. John and I ended our relationship. It's no longer a break. It's a true break up. There was crying and screaming and he just wanted to get it over with.
As far as I know and from what I have heard from reliable sources (very reliable) there is another girl in the picture. I guess that's the worst part. I couldn't be good enough for him.
I guess I realize that some day I will move on again but right now I am stuck in a deep deep deep rut that is trapping me and wont let me out. I feel like I need to talk to him one more time and get closure. I don't know how to talk to him anymore though. I need him to understand that I am hurting and he shattered every part of me for a while. I need him to understand what he did is his fault and not mine. I also want to write his parents notes and thank them for everything while we were together.
It's rather difficult working through this in my head and I miss part of having a boyfriend where I had someone to cuddle with and to talk to and to kiss goodnight. I would love to have that again someday but from how I feel now I am worried that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.
I don't know what to do! I'm just in limbo land. And heartbroken.
June 12, 2009
devestated
i am devestated.
i am sick to my stomach. i can't sleep.
i packed up all of john's things. my room is so empty with out all his stuff in it.
im not giving up. i know it seems like it but i havent given up just yet. not until he tells me its over.
im giving him his space and time. im not calling him even though i would love to hear his voice.
i guess there is good news to report. before he told me we were going on a "break" we got his labs drawn for his liver appointment on monday. his labs were so low from what they have been. i was so happy until about 1 minute later when john told me what he came down to toledo to tell me.
my world is shattered right now. thank you to everyone for your support. i really do appreciate all of it even though i dont always show it.
if you need me ill be the one in the corner. trying to cry. still.
i am sick to my stomach. i can't sleep.
i packed up all of john's things. my room is so empty with out all his stuff in it.
im not giving up. i know it seems like it but i havent given up just yet. not until he tells me its over.
im giving him his space and time. im not calling him even though i would love to hear his voice.
i guess there is good news to report. before he told me we were going on a "break" we got his labs drawn for his liver appointment on monday. his labs were so low from what they have been. i was so happy until about 1 minute later when john told me what he came down to toledo to tell me.
my world is shattered right now. thank you to everyone for your support. i really do appreciate all of it even though i dont always show it.
if you need me ill be the one in the corner. trying to cry. still.
Break Time
Yeah. It finally happened.
John and I are on a "break" which in all experiences, both personal and with my friends, means that we "broke up".
He came into town today just to tell me. He didn't give me reason and at the time I didnt want one but now I do and I want him back and I need him back and I know he isn't coming back and my heart is absolutely broken into a zillion pieces.
I get it why they call it a break because everything in you breaks and falls to pieces. Pieces that are too small to put back together and even find.
I don't know what to do I have to erase him from my life now and everything I have and everything I do reminds me of him!
I have to get rid of the albums of pictures we have and the clothes that I stole/ borrowed from him and make it known on my blog and Facebook that we broke up.
Everything hurts so bad right now. I just want to cry but I cant because even if I try to just let the tears flow they refuse.
I feel like my life has ended and I don't know how to pick the pieces back up and try again.
I know I have people in my life that still love me but he was the one for me and now I am having the toughest time trying to start again and live life again. I am just plain heartbroken and I don't know how to heal anymore. For all my medical issues I take meds, I dont have meds for a broken heart and time isn't helping, no matter how hard I try to ignore it or sift through it in my head I still don't get it and that is the worst part, not understand where it all went wrong.
John and I are on a "break" which in all experiences, both personal and with my friends, means that we "broke up".
He came into town today just to tell me. He didn't give me reason and at the time I didnt want one but now I do and I want him back and I need him back and I know he isn't coming back and my heart is absolutely broken into a zillion pieces.
I get it why they call it a break because everything in you breaks and falls to pieces. Pieces that are too small to put back together and even find.
I don't know what to do I have to erase him from my life now and everything I have and everything I do reminds me of him!
I have to get rid of the albums of pictures we have and the clothes that I stole/ borrowed from him and make it known on my blog and Facebook that we broke up.
Everything hurts so bad right now. I just want to cry but I cant because even if I try to just let the tears flow they refuse.
I feel like my life has ended and I don't know how to pick the pieces back up and try again.
I know I have people in my life that still love me but he was the one for me and now I am having the toughest time trying to start again and live life again. I am just plain heartbroken and I don't know how to heal anymore. For all my medical issues I take meds, I dont have meds for a broken heart and time isn't helping, no matter how hard I try to ignore it or sift through it in my head I still don't get it and that is the worst part, not understand where it all went wrong.
June 9, 2009
So I just found this out!
This is so cool! I just found this on my blogger friend, Jessica's blog!
Kelly Ripa, and this one washer/dryer brand are raising money for ovarian cancer research!
HOW COOL!!!
Now, I am not being sarcastic when I say that I really think it is cool! I am sorry to any this may offend but I think breast cancer gets too much publicity and they get all the fundraising opportunities! I understand that it is a huge cancer in women however, more women die from other cancers, such as ovarian cancer.
My mother and my sister both had ovarian cancer. My sister was diagnosed at age 17 (the youngest age ever in Toledo, OH history)! My mom was diagnosed on Thanksgiving 2005. She was 53.
I love my mom and sister so much and I love that people are reaching out for this terrible disease and trying to help people who are affected by it! I know my family was, twice, and we will never be the same. It is a very difficult diagnosis. It has a poor survival rate and even if you do survive you will have to have a hysterectomy and then will not be able to have kids of your own (sometimes people think that is worse than death!)
Anyways I wish I knew how to link to Jessica's blog and to this lemonade stand and all the other sites I know that are trying to raise money for this awful disease! But I am a novice at the computer stuff and have no idea how to even begin doing that. Anyways, go to Google and look all this stuff up and open a lemonade stand and give LOTS and LOTS o' money to them!
Thank you Jessica for letting everyone know about this stuff! This is GREAT!
Kelly Ripa, and this one washer/dryer brand are raising money for ovarian cancer research!
HOW COOL!!!
Now, I am not being sarcastic when I say that I really think it is cool! I am sorry to any this may offend but I think breast cancer gets too much publicity and they get all the fundraising opportunities! I understand that it is a huge cancer in women however, more women die from other cancers, such as ovarian cancer.
My mother and my sister both had ovarian cancer. My sister was diagnosed at age 17 (the youngest age ever in Toledo, OH history)! My mom was diagnosed on Thanksgiving 2005. She was 53.
I love my mom and sister so much and I love that people are reaching out for this terrible disease and trying to help people who are affected by it! I know my family was, twice, and we will never be the same. It is a very difficult diagnosis. It has a poor survival rate and even if you do survive you will have to have a hysterectomy and then will not be able to have kids of your own (sometimes people think that is worse than death!)
Anyways I wish I knew how to link to Jessica's blog and to this lemonade stand and all the other sites I know that are trying to raise money for this awful disease! But I am a novice at the computer stuff and have no idea how to even begin doing that. Anyways, go to Google and look all this stuff up and open a lemonade stand and give LOTS and LOTS o' money to them!
Thank you Jessica for letting everyone know about this stuff! This is GREAT!
June 4, 2009
Tired
I don't feel like posting. My laundry is sitting in the washer. Done. Wet. Probably getting mildew-y. Oh well.
I'm tired of this summer. I want to be back in school. I want John to come home. I want John's liver to be fixed. I want all this liver shit to be over with.
John hasn't talked to me in a while but when he did he told me he feels terrible and looks worse. I haven't seen him in about 1 month so I have no idea what he looks like and I can't see it over the webcam (especially because we aren't using Skype anymore).
He is getting all the classic symptoms of liver failure (like he had at the beginning of all of this) and I can only imagine it is getting a lot worse. I would really like to know what his labs are but he is getting it done at a different hospital (back in Chelsea) so I wont get to see the results and since he had to reschedule his appointment I can't go to that either. We were going to talk to her about his hernia and maybe getting some more meds for his liver. I was very excited to go. I didn't schedule work on that day because of it and now he rescheduled it for a day I have to work.
I am completely bummed by this entire summer. Hopefully it starts getting better and I hope John starts getting better too!
I'm tired of this summer. I want to be back in school. I want John to come home. I want John's liver to be fixed. I want all this liver shit to be over with.
John hasn't talked to me in a while but when he did he told me he feels terrible and looks worse. I haven't seen him in about 1 month so I have no idea what he looks like and I can't see it over the webcam (especially because we aren't using Skype anymore).
He is getting all the classic symptoms of liver failure (like he had at the beginning of all of this) and I can only imagine it is getting a lot worse. I would really like to know what his labs are but he is getting it done at a different hospital (back in Chelsea) so I wont get to see the results and since he had to reschedule his appointment I can't go to that either. We were going to talk to her about his hernia and maybe getting some more meds for his liver. I was very excited to go. I didn't schedule work on that day because of it and now he rescheduled it for a day I have to work.
I am completely bummed by this entire summer. Hopefully it starts getting better and I hope John starts getting better too!
June 2, 2009
Update
Well this next sage/ year in my life has started off terrible. Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 22 years old and I guess it is double numbers b/c 22 has started off terrible and 11 was an awful year for me too!
I am not going into details. Not right now anyways. I work the next 4 days and I already would like to just die because of it. 4 12 hour shifts is never fun especially when you have to lift patients and wipe asses all day. Sorry that was rude. I do like my job it's just that I am very on edge right now and I can't get over this terrible angry-ness (not a word probably I know) that I have.
Oh well maybe it will be okay at work this week and I wont want to die andd quit. Hopefully.
Sorry for the terrible post. I just had to get it off my chest.
J
I am not going into details. Not right now anyways. I work the next 4 days and I already would like to just die because of it. 4 12 hour shifts is never fun especially when you have to lift patients and wipe asses all day. Sorry that was rude. I do like my job it's just that I am very on edge right now and I can't get over this terrible angry-ness (not a word probably I know) that I have.
Oh well maybe it will be okay at work this week and I wont want to die andd quit. Hopefully.
Sorry for the terrible post. I just had to get it off my chest.
J
May 27, 2009
My New Dresser!
I finally finished my dresser. The finished product is pretty awesome (for space) it isn't the prettiest thing I have ever seen (but it's cuter than my little kids dresser).
This picture is of my old dresser. It might look big but not for all my clothes (even after I cleaned out my clothes like 5 times to try to make it all fit):
These next 2 pictures are of my new dresser (YAY!) and the one has the knobs that I got the other day to add to it. It's pretty spacious but it is smaller than the last one I had but the bonus with this one is that it actually has drawers!:
(I do have to say I am pretty proud of doing everything, except the handles (because I am not trusted with power tools) by myself!)
Also, if anyone knows how to flip pictures in the posts so they are actually going the right way that would be great if you could let me know! Thanks!
This picture is of my old dresser. It might look big but not for all my clothes (even after I cleaned out my clothes like 5 times to try to make it all fit):
These next 2 pictures are of my new dresser (YAY!) and the one has the knobs that I got the other day to add to it. It's pretty spacious but it is smaller than the last one I had but the bonus with this one is that it actually has drawers!:
(I do have to say I am pretty proud of doing everything, except the handles (because I am not trusted with power tools) by myself!)
Also, if anyone knows how to flip pictures in the posts so they are actually going the right way that would be great if you could let me know! Thanks!
May 25, 2009
Happy Memorial Day
Happy Memorial Day! I hope all of you had a wonderful day off of work (if you got one) and spent some lovely time relaxing.
I went to Ikea in Canton and sadly missed the stop that I was going to have in Chelsea so I didn't get to see John but there is rumor of him coming into town Thursday for a few hours! YAY!
Anyways I FINALLY bought a dresser at Ikea! I have been looking for about 7 years for a new dresser. The one I got isn't the most fantastic thing I have ever seen but it was cheap and bigger than the one I have. When I do get it done (btw it is taking me a long while to buld it!) I will have pictures of the before and after! YAY! It already looks so much more spacious and I really hope it will be!
Anyways back to the reason of the day, Memorial Day! I have many a friend (see list below) that are in the Army (only Army of course, HOOAH!!). I love all of my friends dearly and my boyfriend, John, use to be in the Army too! HOOAH!
Anyways I would just like to give a shout out to all of my Army friends and hope they are safe when they are over there fighting and want to let them know (even though they dont read this) that I would LOVE A PHONE CALL ONCE IN A WHILE!! Anyways here goes with my list:
Mjr. Snelling, Sgt. Parks, Col. Hagan
Lindsay S.
Mr. and Mrs. Brian M.
Billy R.
Matthew S.
Carly S.
Christine T.
Jennifer R.
Alex H.
Eilis C.
Nate F.
Col. Ovendon
Maj. Z
Those are my close friends and there are so many more that I wont list because I'm not that close with the rest of them but these people are so wonderful and I love all of them!
Anyways please be safe my friends and come back home to me. Don't you dare die or get injured on me! I love all of you!
Happy Memorial Day!
I went to Ikea in Canton and sadly missed the stop that I was going to have in Chelsea so I didn't get to see John but there is rumor of him coming into town Thursday for a few hours! YAY!
Anyways I FINALLY bought a dresser at Ikea! I have been looking for about 7 years for a new dresser. The one I got isn't the most fantastic thing I have ever seen but it was cheap and bigger than the one I have. When I do get it done (btw it is taking me a long while to buld it!) I will have pictures of the before and after! YAY! It already looks so much more spacious and I really hope it will be!
Anyways back to the reason of the day, Memorial Day! I have many a friend (see list below) that are in the Army (only Army of course, HOOAH!!). I love all of my friends dearly and my boyfriend, John, use to be in the Army too! HOOAH!
Anyways I would just like to give a shout out to all of my Army friends and hope they are safe when they are over there fighting and want to let them know (even though they dont read this) that I would LOVE A PHONE CALL ONCE IN A WHILE!! Anyways here goes with my list:
Mjr. Snelling, Sgt. Parks, Col. Hagan
Lindsay S.
Mr. and Mrs. Brian M.
Billy R.
Matthew S.
Carly S.
Christine T.
Jennifer R.
Alex H.
Eilis C.
Nate F.
Col. Ovendon
Maj. Z
Those are my close friends and there are so many more that I wont list because I'm not that close with the rest of them but these people are so wonderful and I love all of them!
Anyways please be safe my friends and come back home to me. Don't you dare die or get injured on me! I love all of you!
Happy Memorial Day!
May 24, 2009
How bout an update?
I don't really feel like writing a blog right now but I am so upset that I just have to vent.
I still live with my parents and hopefully that will be changing in the fall to an apartment with John. (Which by the way things are getting better). However, while I am here with my parents and my sister who is 25 and my brother who is 18 I am so annoyed. I know parents try their hardest for their kids. This however, is not the case for me. My parents have my sister and brother and they are the golden children. They don't play favorites with them but they spoil them rotten.
I wont go into the issues my brother and sister have but suffice it to say they are so spoiled they have no self control, manners, or respect.
Anyways I wont go into an unending story of medical issues with me but I have a few issues that are life threatening and I live with everyday. Now, I don't seek out medical care, in fact I hate going to the doctor so when all these medical problems were diagnosed it wasn't because I was seeking out a diagnosis to invoke peoples pity on me. I am one sick person, I wont lie about that and it does get hard everyday living with all these issues. However, my parents seemed to have missed the memo that you are supposed to love your children no matter what.
My parents are the complete opposite of supporting to me. I am 100% positive they still have no idea 1/2 the things that are wrong with me and I really dont care anymore. They have shown me that their loyalties lie with my brother, sister and of course my dog. I however, am not even on the back burner anymore. I am the water that got evaporated from neglect and I am the pot that had to be thrown out from the burnt water ruining it.
Suffice it to say, I am their trash.
I still live with my parents and hopefully that will be changing in the fall to an apartment with John. (Which by the way things are getting better). However, while I am here with my parents and my sister who is 25 and my brother who is 18 I am so annoyed. I know parents try their hardest for their kids. This however, is not the case for me. My parents have my sister and brother and they are the golden children. They don't play favorites with them but they spoil them rotten.
I wont go into the issues my brother and sister have but suffice it to say they are so spoiled they have no self control, manners, or respect.
Anyways I wont go into an unending story of medical issues with me but I have a few issues that are life threatening and I live with everyday. Now, I don't seek out medical care, in fact I hate going to the doctor so when all these medical problems were diagnosed it wasn't because I was seeking out a diagnosis to invoke peoples pity on me. I am one sick person, I wont lie about that and it does get hard everyday living with all these issues. However, my parents seemed to have missed the memo that you are supposed to love your children no matter what.
My parents are the complete opposite of supporting to me. I am 100% positive they still have no idea 1/2 the things that are wrong with me and I really dont care anymore. They have shown me that their loyalties lie with my brother, sister and of course my dog. I however, am not even on the back burner anymore. I am the water that got evaporated from neglect and I am the pot that had to be thrown out from the burnt water ruining it.
Suffice it to say, I am their trash.
May 21, 2009
The newest news
John and I talked we still aren't sure what to do but we know we want to try to work things out.
We don't want to break up but don't know how to go from this. We both want to work at it, make it better, but so far neither of us has figured out how that is possible.
I can't imagine my life without him in it and I just can't see a future without him but there are so many other forshadowing problems that I'm not sure we can get through those to make it to that future I so badly want with him.
I don't understand why it has to be SO hard to figure these things out! Why can't I just figure it out in my head. My mind is racing and my heart is hurting and I just want us to go back to normal and maybe I shouldn't have said anything about it and just let us go on out way, the way we were.
I don't know because now it is too late to take it back and now it might be too late to fix it and I am not asking for a perfect relationship (obviously) because I'm human just like John and we make mistakes and I want our relationship to have mistakes so we can grow but this is a huge mistake and we haven't really spoken in the last few days and I am struggling with the fact that maybe (if this ends) I wont ever talk to him again.
I don't know what to do. My mind is so confused and a I am too! Please load all of the advice you can on to me! Thanks!
We don't want to break up but don't know how to go from this. We both want to work at it, make it better, but so far neither of us has figured out how that is possible.
I can't imagine my life without him in it and I just can't see a future without him but there are so many other forshadowing problems that I'm not sure we can get through those to make it to that future I so badly want with him.
I don't understand why it has to be SO hard to figure these things out! Why can't I just figure it out in my head. My mind is racing and my heart is hurting and I just want us to go back to normal and maybe I shouldn't have said anything about it and just let us go on out way, the way we were.
I don't know because now it is too late to take it back and now it might be too late to fix it and I am not asking for a perfect relationship (obviously) because I'm human just like John and we make mistakes and I want our relationship to have mistakes so we can grow but this is a huge mistake and we haven't really spoken in the last few days and I am struggling with the fact that maybe (if this ends) I wont ever talk to him again.
I don't know what to do. My mind is so confused and a I am too! Please load all of the advice you can on to me! Thanks!
May 20, 2009
This is a hard one.
I can't even begin. My mind is racing, scrambling for the right words.
I guess this might be a long post but I have to get it off my chest.
My mentor (whom I love and admire) gave me some advice yesterday and I thought through it. I never take everything she says to heart and I always think through most of it unless I know that she is 100% right and I wont disagree with her.
Yesterday we talked for about 3 hours. A lot about life in general and then a lot about John. This is her advice. "Don't settle, select." Which I had thought I had done (select, that is) and then she comes on with her evidenciary support. I wont go into all of it because obviously three hours leads to a lot of support. (She must have been thinking about this a while b/c she was really really good at backing up her argument). Anyways, she spoke and I listened then I asked for more support and evidence and I listened some more and then I really went off on my own to think about it.
Like I said, her arguments were really really good in her favor. Her advice was to dump him (which I immediately threw out as an option) and then her argument kept coming back to me and I decided to talk to John. I am really confused about what happened last night and don't remember hardly any of the coversation I had with John but I do remember thinking and saying this: "The way I see it I can't see us breaking up, but I don't think I should have to settle." (Which the more I thought about what Carol had said I realized that maybe I did settle on a lot of issues that are too important to just settle on). Then I went on to say "But, the way I see the arguments and the way it plays out on out relationship, I can't see us staying together either."
I have no idea what to do. I don't want to settle, damn it, who would? But I can't even see my future without John. Or maybe I could if I knew there was someone better out there for me. I don't know. I would love some advice if anyone has any. Anyone, new blog readers, old blog readers, anyone with any insight!
I guess this might be a long post but I have to get it off my chest.
My mentor (whom I love and admire) gave me some advice yesterday and I thought through it. I never take everything she says to heart and I always think through most of it unless I know that she is 100% right and I wont disagree with her.
Yesterday we talked for about 3 hours. A lot about life in general and then a lot about John. This is her advice. "Don't settle, select." Which I had thought I had done (select, that is) and then she comes on with her evidenciary support. I wont go into all of it because obviously three hours leads to a lot of support. (She must have been thinking about this a while b/c she was really really good at backing up her argument). Anyways, she spoke and I listened then I asked for more support and evidence and I listened some more and then I really went off on my own to think about it.
Like I said, her arguments were really really good in her favor. Her advice was to dump him (which I immediately threw out as an option) and then her argument kept coming back to me and I decided to talk to John. I am really confused about what happened last night and don't remember hardly any of the coversation I had with John but I do remember thinking and saying this: "The way I see it I can't see us breaking up, but I don't think I should have to settle." (Which the more I thought about what Carol had said I realized that maybe I did settle on a lot of issues that are too important to just settle on). Then I went on to say "But, the way I see the arguments and the way it plays out on out relationship, I can't see us staying together either."
I have no idea what to do. I don't want to settle, damn it, who would? But I can't even see my future without John. Or maybe I could if I knew there was someone better out there for me. I don't know. I would love some advice if anyone has any. Anyone, new blog readers, old blog readers, anyone with any insight!
May 18, 2009
I almost forgot...
I almost forgot I had a blog.
I logged on to my computer yesterday and felt like something was missing. I realized (once I had shut my computer down again) that it was my blog and I vowed last night to write a blog today.
Not much to write, probably will turn into some big ramble that doesn't matter.
John's been gone now for a week and a few days. It's definately different without him here. I lay in bed at night and just pray that he will walk through the door and just hold me so I can finally sleep. After my last post about not sleeping I slept 2 full nights and thought I was getting better until John left and I can't sleep again.
This Skype thing helps a little but I still want him here not there. He tells me about his days and his updates and I just want to cry because I am not there for any of it. I want to be there... I want him here.
He changed soap. Many would think this is not a big deal but I love the smell of soap and I love the smell of freshly washed John. I cant smell him over Skype and that sounds really weird and I know I am over reacting... It's just soap... but it's the little things like getting to hold him and getting to fill my nose with his scent and I miss that because I don't remember what he smells like or what he feels like to hold.
Now, I do put partial blame on my lack of short term memory and my poor long term memory. I was involved in a trauma when I was in 6th grade and now have severe brain damage that has completely impaired my short term and the only way I remember anything is to immediately transfer it into my small long term memory. I should have that info of John stored somewhere in there but I cant seem to find it and I cant pull it out and hold it close to my heart anymore.
Like I have said in previous posts I hate long distance relationships. I didn't want a long distance relationship and if I had known that John would have to move back home I'm not sure how long this relationship would have lasted. (I know that makes me shallow but it is my downfall and I just dont do well with long distance anything, even just friendships). I feel like hoping in my car everyday and drving there to see him. I have become increasingly sad and now I feel like just lying in bed and waiting for the next 3.25 months until John comes back.
Okay, well I am going to work out... maybe... if I can find the motivation. More later, sorry for my rants. Thanks for listening Blogger and Blogger friends!
I logged on to my computer yesterday and felt like something was missing. I realized (once I had shut my computer down again) that it was my blog and I vowed last night to write a blog today.
Not much to write, probably will turn into some big ramble that doesn't matter.
John's been gone now for a week and a few days. It's definately different without him here. I lay in bed at night and just pray that he will walk through the door and just hold me so I can finally sleep. After my last post about not sleeping I slept 2 full nights and thought I was getting better until John left and I can't sleep again.
This Skype thing helps a little but I still want him here not there. He tells me about his days and his updates and I just want to cry because I am not there for any of it. I want to be there... I want him here.
He changed soap. Many would think this is not a big deal but I love the smell of soap and I love the smell of freshly washed John. I cant smell him over Skype and that sounds really weird and I know I am over reacting... It's just soap... but it's the little things like getting to hold him and getting to fill my nose with his scent and I miss that because I don't remember what he smells like or what he feels like to hold.
Now, I do put partial blame on my lack of short term memory and my poor long term memory. I was involved in a trauma when I was in 6th grade and now have severe brain damage that has completely impaired my short term and the only way I remember anything is to immediately transfer it into my small long term memory. I should have that info of John stored somewhere in there but I cant seem to find it and I cant pull it out and hold it close to my heart anymore.
Like I have said in previous posts I hate long distance relationships. I didn't want a long distance relationship and if I had known that John would have to move back home I'm not sure how long this relationship would have lasted. (I know that makes me shallow but it is my downfall and I just dont do well with long distance anything, even just friendships). I feel like hoping in my car everyday and drving there to see him. I have become increasingly sad and now I feel like just lying in bed and waiting for the next 3.25 months until John comes back.
Okay, well I am going to work out... maybe... if I can find the motivation. More later, sorry for my rants. Thanks for listening Blogger and Blogger friends!
May 12, 2009
I'm Skype-ing
I went out yesterday and I bought a webcam so that I could Skype with John! It is fantastic, the best $30 I have ever spent! I am so excited!
We figured it out last night and talked for like an hour and a half and I could see him!! JUST FABULOUS!!
I couldn't stop smiling and I just love this new invention of Skype at my house!
A HUGE Thank you to Jessica for telling me about it! I owe you big time! You have just made my summer 100% better!
So excited can't wait until we both have the time off so we can talk again!
We figured it out last night and talked for like an hour and a half and I could see him!! JUST FABULOUS!!
I couldn't stop smiling and I just love this new invention of Skype at my house!
A HUGE Thank you to Jessica for telling me about it! I owe you big time! You have just made my summer 100% better!
So excited can't wait until we both have the time off so we can talk again!
May 10, 2009
John's Not Here
John's gone. Went back home early Saturday. I haven't cried except maybe 1 or 5 tears last night when we got off the phone.
I hate the fact that everywhere I go (since I used to go everywhere with John) everyone asks me where John is. I have to tell them that he went home and isn't here for the next 3.5 months. Everytime I say this I get all choked up like I want to cry obviously I cant.
John hates crying (that's what I keep telling myself so I don't cry, I wouldn't want to disappoint him). And it seems like I am writing this like I he has been gone forever and I have had to tell a ton of people about it even though he's only been gone since yesterday. Well, I had a family party yesterday and everyone kept asking and when I worked today, for those of my coworkers who knew I was dating him asked me and I just want to cry right in front of them (I know, I know, John hates crying).
Anyways I really hate talking about it but just in case I am absent I am probably sitting on my bed, alone, staring at a wall or the door and hoping John will walk through it at any time. Yeah, in my dreams, I know.
Anyways, Happy Mothers Day to All Mothers out there. Thanks for all you all do.
I hate the fact that everywhere I go (since I used to go everywhere with John) everyone asks me where John is. I have to tell them that he went home and isn't here for the next 3.5 months. Everytime I say this I get all choked up like I want to cry obviously I cant.
John hates crying (that's what I keep telling myself so I don't cry, I wouldn't want to disappoint him). And it seems like I am writing this like I he has been gone forever and I have had to tell a ton of people about it even though he's only been gone since yesterday. Well, I had a family party yesterday and everyone kept asking and when I worked today, for those of my coworkers who knew I was dating him asked me and I just want to cry right in front of them (I know, I know, John hates crying).
Anyways I really hate talking about it but just in case I am absent I am probably sitting on my bed, alone, staring at a wall or the door and hoping John will walk through it at any time. Yeah, in my dreams, I know.
Anyways, Happy Mothers Day to All Mothers out there. Thanks for all you all do.
May 7, 2009
Welp, I'm back
Hello all!
Sorry for the leave of absence. I have had finals all week and last week we were packing John up to go home (*sad*).
Anyways, finals are over and even though they are over it is more torture to wait for the grade... I know without a date that I failed my last one (badly) and I hate that feeling. I seriously studied for 7 days straight! I am not a believer in over-studying and people who believe in that make me nervous and I feel bad when they do bad. Anyways, I looked at my final today and felt like one of the under-studiers because I didn't want to be an overstudier... I'm not sure if that is a word.
On another note. John is leaving early Saturday morning for 3.5 months. That's super sad. I am completely blank when we talk about this. I have no emotion and I hate long distance anything (I know I have already said this). He leaves all the time we get 4 months together when the semester is in progress then he is gone again for months at a time. I guess 8 months out of a year isn't bad. I know it could be worse but I HATE it!
I keep telling myself to be happy while he is here and live in the moment, however, when it gets closer to him leaving I just tense up and close up and don't even feel like living until he gets back (I know thats really bad, sorry). I don't even know how to deal with this yet and it has happened since the very beginning of our relationship. I still haven't gotten use to it... does it ever get any easier!?!?!?
I hate this whole thing. I wanted to have a good summer and now I working 60 hours a week and missing John every second of the day. How am I gonna keep going through this!
=(
Sorry for the leave of absence. I have had finals all week and last week we were packing John up to go home (*sad*).
Anyways, finals are over and even though they are over it is more torture to wait for the grade... I know without a date that I failed my last one (badly) and I hate that feeling. I seriously studied for 7 days straight! I am not a believer in over-studying and people who believe in that make me nervous and I feel bad when they do bad. Anyways, I looked at my final today and felt like one of the under-studiers because I didn't want to be an overstudier... I'm not sure if that is a word.
On another note. John is leaving early Saturday morning for 3.5 months. That's super sad. I am completely blank when we talk about this. I have no emotion and I hate long distance anything (I know I have already said this). He leaves all the time we get 4 months together when the semester is in progress then he is gone again for months at a time. I guess 8 months out of a year isn't bad. I know it could be worse but I HATE it!
I keep telling myself to be happy while he is here and live in the moment, however, when it gets closer to him leaving I just tense up and close up and don't even feel like living until he gets back (I know thats really bad, sorry). I don't even know how to deal with this yet and it has happened since the very beginning of our relationship. I still haven't gotten use to it... does it ever get any easier!?!?!?
I hate this whole thing. I wanted to have a good summer and now I working 60 hours a week and missing John every second of the day. How am I gonna keep going through this!
=(
April 28, 2009
Long Night #5... And Counting (Sorry it's so Long)!
What an awful ailment. I feel bad for my patients when they can't sleep and I just pray that they will eventually be able to sleep enough to heal. Well, I have just joined the ranks of my patients. I cannot sleep and according to the tally in my status line... This is precious, sleepless night #5.
I love sleep. I have always loved sleep and for the past 5 days (including tonight) I have not been able to spend time with one of the things I so dearly love. The stress from everything is overwhelming and I literally, constantly feel like I am going to be constantly sick or cry.
The stress that everything is putting on me has put the biggest strain on John and I's relationship. (That make's me want to cry to, but hey, crying never solved anything). Anyways, I miss John right now, and that seems weird because he is only 10 minutes away but he is leaving this summer for 4 months and I would love to spend every waking moment I have with him that I can so I don't forget his smell and his smile and stupid little things that mean the most.
I never thought stress could keep me up. Before this little stint without sleep, stress always put me to sleep, knocked me out cold. (Except for this one time when it kept me up and was so bad I got an ulcer and didn't sleep for about 3 weeks and had to be hospitalized. That's a whole other story though.)
I know school puts a lot of stress on people and it is hard to balance everything and I know that health issues cause a lot of stress and that is hard to balance everything with that, because in all reality, living comes first. I just know that it's a lot of stress right now and I always worry but for the first time, in a long time, I am worried about John and I as a couple. I realize that couples go through tiffs and really difficult times but this is different. I don't even feel like I am with the same person and he is SO distant like never before and I have this ache in the pit of myself that just screams that we aren't meant to be and I don't know what to make of all of it. (I wish I had some sleep in me to help me concentrate and think clearer.)
This is going to be a very long night of thinking. Thinking about John and I. Thinking about school. Thinking about health issues. Thinking about John moving away (by the way I hate long distance anything). And I will be thinking about the last year and a half that I feel I have wasted looking for a diagnosis that John isn't even willing to fight.
I just need someone to tell me it will be alright and that John is going to be better and that I will be okay too. I need someone to tell me that I didn't just waste the last year and a half of my life. And I need to hear that we will come out of this, together. Maybe it is true, maybe not. I don't know what the future holds (of course, no one does). But I would like it to hurry up and get here so I can see where it is taking me. Because, really, that's the only place I really want to be right now.
I love sleep. I have always loved sleep and for the past 5 days (including tonight) I have not been able to spend time with one of the things I so dearly love. The stress from everything is overwhelming and I literally, constantly feel like I am going to be constantly sick or cry.
The stress that everything is putting on me has put the biggest strain on John and I's relationship. (That make's me want to cry to, but hey, crying never solved anything). Anyways, I miss John right now, and that seems weird because he is only 10 minutes away but he is leaving this summer for 4 months and I would love to spend every waking moment I have with him that I can so I don't forget his smell and his smile and stupid little things that mean the most.
I never thought stress could keep me up. Before this little stint without sleep, stress always put me to sleep, knocked me out cold. (Except for this one time when it kept me up and was so bad I got an ulcer and didn't sleep for about 3 weeks and had to be hospitalized. That's a whole other story though.)
I know school puts a lot of stress on people and it is hard to balance everything and I know that health issues cause a lot of stress and that is hard to balance everything with that, because in all reality, living comes first. I just know that it's a lot of stress right now and I always worry but for the first time, in a long time, I am worried about John and I as a couple. I realize that couples go through tiffs and really difficult times but this is different. I don't even feel like I am with the same person and he is SO distant like never before and I have this ache in the pit of myself that just screams that we aren't meant to be and I don't know what to make of all of it. (I wish I had some sleep in me to help me concentrate and think clearer.)
This is going to be a very long night of thinking. Thinking about John and I. Thinking about school. Thinking about health issues. Thinking about John moving away (by the way I hate long distance anything). And I will be thinking about the last year and a half that I feel I have wasted looking for a diagnosis that John isn't even willing to fight.
I just need someone to tell me it will be alright and that John is going to be better and that I will be okay too. I need someone to tell me that I didn't just waste the last year and a half of my life. And I need to hear that we will come out of this, together. Maybe it is true, maybe not. I don't know what the future holds (of course, no one does). But I would like it to hurry up and get here so I can see where it is taking me. Because, really, that's the only place I really want to be right now.
April 26, 2009
It's Time for An Update!
Jeez. I feel like I haven't updated this thing in a while! For a while I forgot about the blog and then for another while I couldn't decide if I had anything to write!
Well, something finally sparked my interest (on Thursday) and I have been thinking about it ever since and I think I finally have something to write... Not very interesting but I will finally write about it!
So, the sparker of interest? Private Practice of course! (This was the first time I had watched an episode of this show!)
So Addison and some cute guy with dialogue:
Cute Guy: "So you want to take the heart to save two people?"
Addison: "Why don't you like transplants?"
Cute Guy: "I like transplants. I hate waiting though."
Addison: "Oh, so it's the sit and wait."
Cute Guy: "Yeah."
Addison: "And it's the not being in control of it."
Cute Guy: "Yeah. And it's the hoping someone else will die so I can get my organ too."
Well, the cute guy has it ALL right!! (He's a doctor, a heart surgeon and they are waiting for a heart for this lady who is pregnant. Yada Yada. I wont explain the whole show but the lady finally gets the heart.)
Anyways back to the genius doctor and script writers! Even though we are no longer waiting for an organ there is a part of us that wont ever let go to that! We will always want to find a liver for him, give him a chance at a longer, healthier, happier life.
I can't stand sitting and waiting, and I can't stand not being in control and having to take a back seat to all of this maddness! (Just like the doctor feels)! I am not a patient person, unless I'm on the golf course, and I hate not being in control. Now, I'm not in control of a lot of things in my life but some of them I am and when I am not in control I feel helpless. I want SO BAD to be able to just walk into Life Connections and ask them for a pager and put John back on the list.
And then we get to the last thing that makes me connect so much with the cute doctor guy. I hate waiting around for someone to die to give John a liver. And there are criteria, you can't die in a trauma and your entire liver has to be healthy. You can't have a history of drinking or a large history of smoking. You have to be a certain weight and height and be dead for only a short amount of time with enough brain activity to keep the blood flowing to the organ. There are other stipulations to give your organs after you die, especially all the vitals like liver, heart, kidneys, and lungs.
I am a disgusting person for wishing someone would die to give John their liver. I am disgusting person because when we are out in public I size people up to try to decide if their liver would work, and if they would be a good candidate for liver transplant. I really am not a bad person, I know their family would miss them, but I know I would miss John so much that it would hurt to bad to continue on. It hurts me so much that we don't get as much time as we should have gotten. It hurts me so much that the only person I ever truly cared about and loved is dying and I can't do anything else.
It's sad and it hurts. This is my life. Everyday. I don't regret anything in my life so I do not regret any of this. I will regret everyday of my life when John dies and I am left alone. I know I will not be able to move on and I know that I will then be alone for the rest of my life and I am okay with that because all I want is John.
Well, something finally sparked my interest (on Thursday) and I have been thinking about it ever since and I think I finally have something to write... Not very interesting but I will finally write about it!
So, the sparker of interest? Private Practice of course! (This was the first time I had watched an episode of this show!)
So Addison and some cute guy with dialogue:
Cute Guy: "So you want to take the heart to save two people?"
Addison: "Why don't you like transplants?"
Cute Guy: "I like transplants. I hate waiting though."
Addison: "Oh, so it's the sit and wait."
Cute Guy: "Yeah."
Addison: "And it's the not being in control of it."
Cute Guy: "Yeah. And it's the hoping someone else will die so I can get my organ too."
Well, the cute guy has it ALL right!! (He's a doctor, a heart surgeon and they are waiting for a heart for this lady who is pregnant. Yada Yada. I wont explain the whole show but the lady finally gets the heart.)
Anyways back to the genius doctor and script writers! Even though we are no longer waiting for an organ there is a part of us that wont ever let go to that! We will always want to find a liver for him, give him a chance at a longer, healthier, happier life.
I can't stand sitting and waiting, and I can't stand not being in control and having to take a back seat to all of this maddness! (Just like the doctor feels)! I am not a patient person, unless I'm on the golf course, and I hate not being in control. Now, I'm not in control of a lot of things in my life but some of them I am and when I am not in control I feel helpless. I want SO BAD to be able to just walk into Life Connections and ask them for a pager and put John back on the list.
And then we get to the last thing that makes me connect so much with the cute doctor guy. I hate waiting around for someone to die to give John a liver. And there are criteria, you can't die in a trauma and your entire liver has to be healthy. You can't have a history of drinking or a large history of smoking. You have to be a certain weight and height and be dead for only a short amount of time with enough brain activity to keep the blood flowing to the organ. There are other stipulations to give your organs after you die, especially all the vitals like liver, heart, kidneys, and lungs.
I am a disgusting person for wishing someone would die to give John their liver. I am disgusting person because when we are out in public I size people up to try to decide if their liver would work, and if they would be a good candidate for liver transplant. I really am not a bad person, I know their family would miss them, but I know I would miss John so much that it would hurt to bad to continue on. It hurts me so much that we don't get as much time as we should have gotten. It hurts me so much that the only person I ever truly cared about and loved is dying and I can't do anything else.
It's sad and it hurts. This is my life. Everyday. I don't regret anything in my life so I do not regret any of this. I will regret everyday of my life when John dies and I am left alone. I know I will not be able to move on and I know that I will then be alone for the rest of my life and I am okay with that because all I want is John.
April 22, 2009
Mud Hens and Maybe my New Favorite Object
So John and I finally made it to the Mud Hens tonight! It was COLD! But so much fun... pictures later I'm sure! The only reason we went is because Joel Zumaya was pitching tonight! Joel is definately John's favorite Tiger and he loves wathcing him pitch. He is on rehab so couldn't put out his normal numbers of 101 mph and over! (His max was 94... I thought it was still good... John didn't)
Anyways! As all/most of you know, today is Earth Day (Happy B-Day Earth) and in honor of this day we celebrate the grass and trees and everything else I am allergic to that grows, The Mud Hens establishment was giving out those new recycled bags (whatever they are actually) I'm not sure what they are but I know they are made of recycled materials... I'm pretty sure! They have the Hens logo on it and I wasn't too excited to get one because I really don't like them but then I got it and maybe coupled with the fact that it was free... I LOVE THOSE BAGS!! I just love it... I love the feel of it... I love the look of it (especially since it has the Hens logo) and I REALLY hope that they hold a lot of stuff and don't rip because I really am excited about it!!
I want to use it for everything!! SO EXCITED! (It's weird that I got so excited over a bag... but maybe in a day or two it will wear off!)
More later (maybe some pictures)
J+J
Anyways! As all/most of you know, today is Earth Day (Happy B-Day Earth) and in honor of this day we celebrate the grass and trees and everything else I am allergic to that grows, The Mud Hens establishment was giving out those new recycled bags (whatever they are actually) I'm not sure what they are but I know they are made of recycled materials... I'm pretty sure! They have the Hens logo on it and I wasn't too excited to get one because I really don't like them but then I got it and maybe coupled with the fact that it was free... I LOVE THOSE BAGS!! I just love it... I love the feel of it... I love the look of it (especially since it has the Hens logo) and I REALLY hope that they hold a lot of stuff and don't rip because I really am excited about it!!
I want to use it for everything!! SO EXCITED! (It's weird that I got so excited over a bag... but maybe in a day or two it will wear off!)
More later (maybe some pictures)
J+J
April 20, 2009
Life is kicking my ass
Life is literally kicking me repeatedly. I cannot seem to get out from under the furious kicking and I am down... I'm down hard! I thought you weren't supposed to kick people when they are down... huh life huh? Why are you breaking all the rules!?
John's stool sample hasn't been set yet b/c John is no longer producing stool... or urine for that matter. His ascites is coming back and it is gross! I have lost weight (which is good b/c I am overweight) but other than that no good news on the home front.
I am stretched so thin and so tired that it has become hard to walk and move my extremities because of the fatigue. John is constantly fatigued b/c that is a HUGE side effect of liver failure. And, without a stool sample we will never figure out if it is liver or just plain GI tract!
I need a massage! BAD!! (But who doesn't, right!?) I just want to collapse and I thought that this week would fly by but today has gone so slow that I can't even imagine living through this week if it continues on the same path!
On another note... my sister... my 24 year old sister just moved back in with us! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! My sister is a liar and I am not saying that to be mean she has a fetish with lying... she lies about her friends, her work, her income, her friends weddings that somehow get cancelled at the last second... hmmm... anyways the main point of all of this is that I have to vent about how much she gets on my nerves with lying! If there is one thing I hate in this world it is lying and especially living with a liar!! AHHHHHHHH!!
Oh well, I do think that out of all of them this is my most random post I have had since starting this blog... maybe it's tied with some of the others! Anyways... I'm sure there will be more at a later date!
J+J
John's stool sample hasn't been set yet b/c John is no longer producing stool... or urine for that matter. His ascites is coming back and it is gross! I have lost weight (which is good b/c I am overweight) but other than that no good news on the home front.
I am stretched so thin and so tired that it has become hard to walk and move my extremities because of the fatigue. John is constantly fatigued b/c that is a HUGE side effect of liver failure. And, without a stool sample we will never figure out if it is liver or just plain GI tract!
I need a massage! BAD!! (But who doesn't, right!?) I just want to collapse and I thought that this week would fly by but today has gone so slow that I can't even imagine living through this week if it continues on the same path!
On another note... my sister... my 24 year old sister just moved back in with us! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! My sister is a liar and I am not saying that to be mean she has a fetish with lying... she lies about her friends, her work, her income, her friends weddings that somehow get cancelled at the last second... hmmm... anyways the main point of all of this is that I have to vent about how much she gets on my nerves with lying! If there is one thing I hate in this world it is lying and especially living with a liar!! AHHHHHHHH!!
Oh well, I do think that out of all of them this is my most random post I have had since starting this blog... maybe it's tied with some of the others! Anyways... I'm sure there will be more at a later date!
J+J
April 16, 2009
3 more weeks!
There is only 3 more weeks of school... and 1 of them is finals week!! This is all very exciting and yet the end of school signifies the end of my lazy work days.
I hardly work during school and I love my job and will eventually get back in the swing of things but I really wish money grew on trees so I didn't have to go back! I would much rather relax!
John might be moving back to Chelsea! Which is actually really terrible news because 1) I am not leaving Toledo, 2) I have a really hard time when I don't get to see him often, and 3) His doctors are all here in Toledo and it would be a mess to switch all that back and forth.
He applied for 3 jobs yesterday and said he would keep applying for more so everyone please keep your fingers crossed for him so that he doesn't have to leave!
Anyways I sadly have to do A LOT of homework tonight and must get started or I will never finish!
More later
J+J
I hardly work during school and I love my job and will eventually get back in the swing of things but I really wish money grew on trees so I didn't have to go back! I would much rather relax!
John might be moving back to Chelsea! Which is actually really terrible news because 1) I am not leaving Toledo, 2) I have a really hard time when I don't get to see him often, and 3) His doctors are all here in Toledo and it would be a mess to switch all that back and forth.
He applied for 3 jobs yesterday and said he would keep applying for more so everyone please keep your fingers crossed for him so that he doesn't have to leave!
Anyways I sadly have to do A LOT of homework tonight and must get started or I will never finish!
More later
J+J
April 14, 2009
I feel so stressed... and happy
I am so stressed out right now I just want to scream and kick my feet... like a little child's tantrum and sometimes I have little clips flip through my head of what that would look like and it isn't pretty... so I refrain... and digress...
John got back in town on Sunday and it has been nonstop from then... Not just becuase of him... Obviously I'm busy with college and will be stressed about it until I graduate so that's not a biggy... just stressed and gonna get some serious stress ulcers by my next birthday (which is in like a month and a half!).
I am SO happy though which makes all my stress seem so small... The doctor (I guess she is a nurse practitioner, but just as smart as a doctor so we shall call her such) called us today. She was in the hospital with her other patients on Friday helping all of them and she didn't get John's phone message/ call until today. INSTANTLY called him this morning and said I am ordering a stool sample. THANK GOD! John's bowel issues ( I think I mentioned them last post) have not really gotten any better. He likes to tell me that the bilirubin is trying to make a come back into his stool but the way he says it makes me almost 100% positive that he is just saying it to try to calm my nerves (which I appreciate).
Anywho, at least we have something ordered!! =D
So, I go to the hospital today and get the stuff you need to get a stool sample... which is actually a lot more stuff than I expected (a "hat", a "popsicle stick", 2 specimen cups, and a paper bag, name tags and time tags). So lets just say I get it home and am so ready to get him to do this so we can turn it in and be DONE! and get results!!
So, as I was saying, I get home with all these supplies and I am told by John and my parents (who are the be all end all of health issues) and they inform me that I have to wait for the orders to come in the mail to see how many samples we need and how much for each sample! =(
I WANT AN ANSWER!! NOW!! I'll make John give 20 samples just so we are good and have enough then turn them in and tell them to run every test they can... I don't care if that is illegal. I WANT AN ANSWER!!
Oh well, I wait for now. I am still happy that they got something ordered!
John got back in town on Sunday and it has been nonstop from then... Not just becuase of him... Obviously I'm busy with college and will be stressed about it until I graduate so that's not a biggy... just stressed and gonna get some serious stress ulcers by my next birthday (which is in like a month and a half!).
I am SO happy though which makes all my stress seem so small... The doctor (I guess she is a nurse practitioner, but just as smart as a doctor so we shall call her such) called us today. She was in the hospital with her other patients on Friday helping all of them and she didn't get John's phone message/ call until today. INSTANTLY called him this morning and said I am ordering a stool sample. THANK GOD! John's bowel issues ( I think I mentioned them last post) have not really gotten any better. He likes to tell me that the bilirubin is trying to make a come back into his stool but the way he says it makes me almost 100% positive that he is just saying it to try to calm my nerves (which I appreciate).
Anywho, at least we have something ordered!! =D
So, I go to the hospital today and get the stuff you need to get a stool sample... which is actually a lot more stuff than I expected (a "hat", a "popsicle stick", 2 specimen cups, and a paper bag, name tags and time tags). So lets just say I get it home and am so ready to get him to do this so we can turn it in and be DONE! and get results!!
So, as I was saying, I get home with all these supplies and I am told by John and my parents (who are the be all end all of health issues) and they inform me that I have to wait for the orders to come in the mail to see how many samples we need and how much for each sample! =(
I WANT AN ANSWER!! NOW!! I'll make John give 20 samples just so we are good and have enough then turn them in and tell them to run every test they can... I don't care if that is illegal. I WANT AN ANSWER!!
Oh well, I wait for now. I am still happy that they got something ordered!
April 10, 2009
I HATE HEALTH ISSUES!
I hate people being sick. I know a ton of people who are sick. I work in a hospital. I love taking care of sick people and making them better. I do not like the fact that my best friend/ significant other is sick... all. the. time.
He is still having all the problems that he had last post and he finally decides to call his GI doc/ nurse practitioner. Well, we got to talk to Patricia's assistant. Oh goody, because Patricia is at the hospital all day with all her other dying patients! Cool! So her assistant says, call your PCP (primary care physician) and see if there is a bug going around!!
WHAT!!!????!!!????!!!!????!!!???!!!?!?!?!?!
I am in SHOCK right now!!
She said she would write it down for Patricia to see and if Pat thought it was serious she would call... John is going home this weekend and wont be able to come in if it is an emergency!
HELLO ASSISTANT!! Seriously is she new? He is holding in ALL of his bilirubin!! ALL OF IT!! His liver is only gonna die quicker now stupid! His eyes are disgusting yellow like they never have been and his skin looks as bad as ever!! We have talked to her assistant once before and she was so nice and this time she just brushes him off like he is gonna live... AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
I dont get it. I really dont. Even I know something isn't right and I'm not a doctor/ nurse practitioner/ assistant!
I hope John makes it through this weekend without crashing. I hope his liver starts to filter and he stops holding in all that bili. PLEASE let him be okay!! PLEASE!!
He is still having all the problems that he had last post and he finally decides to call his GI doc/ nurse practitioner. Well, we got to talk to Patricia's assistant. Oh goody, because Patricia is at the hospital all day with all her other dying patients! Cool! So her assistant says, call your PCP (primary care physician) and see if there is a bug going around!!
WHAT!!!????!!!????!!!!????!!!???!!!?!?!?!?!
I am in SHOCK right now!!
She said she would write it down for Patricia to see and if Pat thought it was serious she would call... John is going home this weekend and wont be able to come in if it is an emergency!
HELLO ASSISTANT!! Seriously is she new? He is holding in ALL of his bilirubin!! ALL OF IT!! His liver is only gonna die quicker now stupid! His eyes are disgusting yellow like they never have been and his skin looks as bad as ever!! We have talked to her assistant once before and she was so nice and this time she just brushes him off like he is gonna live... AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
I dont get it. I really dont. Even I know something isn't right and I'm not a doctor/ nurse practitioner/ assistant!
I hope John makes it through this weekend without crashing. I hope his liver starts to filter and he stops holding in all that bili. PLEASE let him be okay!! PLEASE!!
April 8, 2009
Update
I guess it is time for an update!
John and I are back on track, like much better than before. This fight definately helped and now we are back to we were when we first started dating, which is fabulous!
However, on another note, John isn't getting any better. His GERD is as bad as when he first got it. His meds aren't working anymore. His probiotic pill thing isn't working. He is having clear/ light yellow stool (which might be too much info, I know), but that is never good news because the bilirubin in our bodies is what makes out feces and urine the darker color. So, having lighter colors for those means he is holding in ALL of his bilirubin! THAT'S BAD NEWS!!
On the other hand, he is trying to eat less which isn't working because his appetite has only spiked and every time he eats something he has diarrhea (I know too much information again!) His doctor said it could be irritable bowel or just the fact that some people just have a bowel movement after every meal. Hopefully that's it, he doesn't need another diagnosis.
On the topic of eating, when we first started dating and while we were trying to figure out a diagnosis, he sweats SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much when he eats. He needs 2 napkins, one to wipe the sweat off his face and one to wipe his face and hands. (I know that is so much TMI in one post it is disgusting) But he hasn't had that in at least 3 months. Now it's back, full force. It's nasty. It's gross and I can't/ don't want to say that my boyfriend is gross but seriously I'm trying to eat here!!
Oh well, I felt like I had to get that off my chest and I feel so much better now that I did! Sorry for all the "too much information" parts of this post!! (And if you made it through this whole thing, Congratulations!)
John and I are back on track, like much better than before. This fight definately helped and now we are back to we were when we first started dating, which is fabulous!
However, on another note, John isn't getting any better. His GERD is as bad as when he first got it. His meds aren't working anymore. His probiotic pill thing isn't working. He is having clear/ light yellow stool (which might be too much info, I know), but that is never good news because the bilirubin in our bodies is what makes out feces and urine the darker color. So, having lighter colors for those means he is holding in ALL of his bilirubin! THAT'S BAD NEWS!!
On the other hand, he is trying to eat less which isn't working because his appetite has only spiked and every time he eats something he has diarrhea (I know too much information again!) His doctor said it could be irritable bowel or just the fact that some people just have a bowel movement after every meal. Hopefully that's it, he doesn't need another diagnosis.
On the topic of eating, when we first started dating and while we were trying to figure out a diagnosis, he sweats SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much when he eats. He needs 2 napkins, one to wipe the sweat off his face and one to wipe his face and hands. (I know that is so much TMI in one post it is disgusting) But he hasn't had that in at least 3 months. Now it's back, full force. It's nasty. It's gross and I can't/ don't want to say that my boyfriend is gross but seriously I'm trying to eat here!!
Oh well, I felt like I had to get that off my chest and I feel so much better now that I did! Sorry for all the "too much information" parts of this post!! (And if you made it through this whole thing, Congratulations!)
Keepin It Real
I'm supposed to be "Keeping It Real" because I was tagged by Jessica... Right now I am waiting for my internet to actually start working.
Right now I have nothing good to write and don't really feel like complaining anymore so maybe at a later date I will actually add some more blog... For now...
This is me keeping it real (sideways):
(my sister took it of me. she was making jokes and I couldn't stop laughing. so she snapped the picture and this is what we got)
Right now I have nothing good to write and don't really feel like complaining anymore so maybe at a later date I will actually add some more blog... For now...
This is me keeping it real (sideways):
(my sister took it of me. she was making jokes and I couldn't stop laughing. so she snapped the picture and this is what we got)
April 3, 2009
I am so tired
I am so tired today.
I am tired of the silence
I am tired of fighting
I am tired of complaints about pain
I am tired of health issues
I am tired of prescriptions
I am tired of diets
I am tired of not knowing what to do
I am tired of not being able to help
I am tired of not having the pager that was supposed to beep when the doc's were ready to save John's life.
I am just tired.
Tired of being tired
Tired of trying, not trying, crying, wishing I could give up. I'm just really tired.
Plus, I need some advice. John and I has a bit of a set back in our relationship (aka a really massive fight) and now we are having a lot of trouble pulling it all back together! I don't have much/ if any relationship experience before I met John and I don't know how to fix these situations. We've talked... at length... about all of it. We've given each other "alone" time to think it over. We've cried and yelled and just about everything in the book. I am tired of trying so much and nothing working. Someone, Anyone, Please, If you have advice please let me know I would appreciate it so much!
I am tired of the silence
I am tired of fighting
I am tired of complaints about pain
I am tired of health issues
I am tired of prescriptions
I am tired of diets
I am tired of not knowing what to do
I am tired of not being able to help
I am tired of not having the pager that was supposed to beep when the doc's were ready to save John's life.
I am just tired.
Tired of being tired
Tired of trying, not trying, crying, wishing I could give up. I'm just really tired.
Plus, I need some advice. John and I has a bit of a set back in our relationship (aka a really massive fight) and now we are having a lot of trouble pulling it all back together! I don't have much/ if any relationship experience before I met John and I don't know how to fix these situations. We've talked... at length... about all of it. We've given each other "alone" time to think it over. We've cried and yelled and just about everything in the book. I am tired of trying so much and nothing working. Someone, Anyone, Please, If you have advice please let me know I would appreciate it so much!
April 1, 2009
I just want to crawl in a corner and sleep and cry and be non-existent for a few days.
The last appointment we had with the doctor's went really well and I'm happy that the AST and ALT numbers went down, even is it was only by 3. But, they aren't looking for a liver for him anymore. No more pager that is going to beep when they have a possible liver/ donor. No more waking up in the middle of the night to run to the hospital to get prepped for the surgery that might save his life. No more waiting around until his doctor's call us to tell us they've "done all they can". Our lives are empty now.
That might seem weird. Why would someone want to sit around and just wait for all these things to happen. Because, we want him to live. I wanted a long life with him now I'm getting the "stuff 80 years worth of life into the 20 he has left" life. That isn't what I wanted. I would never break up with him over a stupid liver but it makes it hard and now that I know he wont get his liver for a while longer, I just want to stop caring and sit in a corner and cry.
I realize the doctors have their reasonings for not giving him his liver. But I also just realized, like right before I started typing this post, that their reason is because he is such a hard match and by the time he would get a liver that was the right size and the right match that he would be dead. I can't even ask people to get tested to see if they are a match for him. The entire process is over, ended, our hard work, shot.
I feel like crawling into a corner and sleeping and crying. A lot.
Stupid liver.
The last appointment we had with the doctor's went really well and I'm happy that the AST and ALT numbers went down, even is it was only by 3. But, they aren't looking for a liver for him anymore. No more pager that is going to beep when they have a possible liver/ donor. No more waking up in the middle of the night to run to the hospital to get prepped for the surgery that might save his life. No more waiting around until his doctor's call us to tell us they've "done all they can". Our lives are empty now.
That might seem weird. Why would someone want to sit around and just wait for all these things to happen. Because, we want him to live. I wanted a long life with him now I'm getting the "stuff 80 years worth of life into the 20 he has left" life. That isn't what I wanted. I would never break up with him over a stupid liver but it makes it hard and now that I know he wont get his liver for a while longer, I just want to stop caring and sit in a corner and cry.
I realize the doctors have their reasonings for not giving him his liver. But I also just realized, like right before I started typing this post, that their reason is because he is such a hard match and by the time he would get a liver that was the right size and the right match that he would be dead. I can't even ask people to get tested to see if they are a match for him. The entire process is over, ended, our hard work, shot.
I feel like crawling into a corner and sleeping and crying. A lot.
Stupid liver.
March 31, 2009
I'm so mad I could spit!!
I am so mad I could spit! I actually never understood that phrase when people would say it but I get it now! I am so mad I could spit right now!
John is dipping... you know sticking the pinch of tobacco in his cheek... yeah bloody wonderful! Well, I guess he'll be a lonely old man dying of liver cirrhosis and mouth cancer because I have been through enough cancer diagnoses and chemo treatments to last me 8 lifetimes.
I thought he had stopped in September. When he had promised me he was done, cold turkey, I totally beleieved him. IDIOT!! IDIOT!! IDIOT!! I thought that for the past 7 months he has been dip free. Living free from an increased risk of mouth cancer... Guess I was the one in the dark. Why is the girlfriend always the last to know!?!?!? I guess he figures the cirrhosis and weight he refuses to take off will kill him before the mouth cancer gets him.
You know what... maybe he's right... hopefully he is because I went to high school with a kid who got mouth cancer from dipping and his ENTIRE JAW fell off before he died... No one, not even lying John, deserves to die that way!
On another note, John is on many different diets, a low-cholesterol, a high-fiber, low-protein, low-carb, yada yada, etc., etc.. Obviously the point of all of these would be to keep him skinny and take the workload off of his liver to not have to filter so much fat! We've been doing diets for the past 3 months. Not long, I understand, and a diet is a major lifestyle changer... However, today, along with the dip I found a bag of potato chips... Now normally this wouldnt be a problem because he usually gets the mini bags that fit in the lunches for school. BUT!! This one was a family sized bag and was GONE!! the ENTIRE bag was gone... down to the crumbs... which I am sure he will devour tonight... I asked him when he bought it... SUNDAY NIGHT!! He ate an ENTIRE FAMILY SIZED BAG OF FAT POTATO CHIPS in 1 DAY!!
I am so mad I could spit. What is all my hard work going too? Obviously it just went down the toilet because he wont lose weight eating bags and bags of potato chips and he will only have more health problems with the dipping. Just what he needs right now!
I'm so mad I could spit!
John is dipping... you know sticking the pinch of tobacco in his cheek... yeah bloody wonderful! Well, I guess he'll be a lonely old man dying of liver cirrhosis and mouth cancer because I have been through enough cancer diagnoses and chemo treatments to last me 8 lifetimes.
I thought he had stopped in September. When he had promised me he was done, cold turkey, I totally beleieved him. IDIOT!! IDIOT!! IDIOT!! I thought that for the past 7 months he has been dip free. Living free from an increased risk of mouth cancer... Guess I was the one in the dark. Why is the girlfriend always the last to know!?!?!? I guess he figures the cirrhosis and weight he refuses to take off will kill him before the mouth cancer gets him.
You know what... maybe he's right... hopefully he is because I went to high school with a kid who got mouth cancer from dipping and his ENTIRE JAW fell off before he died... No one, not even lying John, deserves to die that way!
On another note, John is on many different diets, a low-cholesterol, a high-fiber, low-protein, low-carb, yada yada, etc., etc.. Obviously the point of all of these would be to keep him skinny and take the workload off of his liver to not have to filter so much fat! We've been doing diets for the past 3 months. Not long, I understand, and a diet is a major lifestyle changer... However, today, along with the dip I found a bag of potato chips... Now normally this wouldnt be a problem because he usually gets the mini bags that fit in the lunches for school. BUT!! This one was a family sized bag and was GONE!! the ENTIRE bag was gone... down to the crumbs... which I am sure he will devour tonight... I asked him when he bought it... SUNDAY NIGHT!! He ate an ENTIRE FAMILY SIZED BAG OF FAT POTATO CHIPS in 1 DAY!!
I am so mad I could spit. What is all my hard work going too? Obviously it just went down the toilet because he wont lose weight eating bags and bags of potato chips and he will only have more health problems with the dipping. Just what he needs right now!
I'm so mad I could spit!
March 28, 2009
I hate Apartment Hunting
I HATE!! Apartment Hunting. Everyone I know makes it seem so easy... It's not and someone should have told me before we got started and the part of my heart that wanted an apartment got broken.
We looked at 2 apartments, John is going to look at more, we have a pretty long list of them.
I can't move... I live with my parents. I'm probably going to always live with my parents. Apartments are way too expensive and the problem isn't that I don't have a job, because actually my job pays pretty well.
The problem is that my parents hate the fact that I want to move out of the house and especially hate the fact that I will be moving in with a boy! Hello, I am 21 years old. I'm not saying 21 years is old, but it's old enough to make my own decision and I want to move in with John.
Other problems:
1) My parents will never ever sign a co-sign form and all applicants that are full time students must have one!
2) I can't make the kind of money needed to supply all the stuff needed for a shitty apartment
3) I don't work often in the school year and what I make goes directly to car payments and car insurance.
So, looking back, me even thinking I could afford an apartment was ludacris and I totally love the feel of apartment living from what I saw today. So, in conclusion, I am completely heart-broken because I built myself up to fall. Should have seen in coming Julia! Damn It!
We looked at 2 apartments, John is going to look at more, we have a pretty long list of them.
I can't move... I live with my parents. I'm probably going to always live with my parents. Apartments are way too expensive and the problem isn't that I don't have a job, because actually my job pays pretty well.
The problem is that my parents hate the fact that I want to move out of the house and especially hate the fact that I will be moving in with a boy! Hello, I am 21 years old. I'm not saying 21 years is old, but it's old enough to make my own decision and I want to move in with John.
Other problems:
1) My parents will never ever sign a co-sign form and all applicants that are full time students must have one!
2) I can't make the kind of money needed to supply all the stuff needed for a shitty apartment
3) I don't work often in the school year and what I make goes directly to car payments and car insurance.
So, looking back, me even thinking I could afford an apartment was ludacris and I totally love the feel of apartment living from what I saw today. So, in conclusion, I am completely heart-broken because I built myself up to fall. Should have seen in coming Julia! Damn It!
March 27, 2009
So let me tell you a little story!
So here's a little background... I'm 21 years old... I'm a Freshman in college!
Weird right? No, I didn't take a big break out of high school and then go to college. Nope, that's not how it happened... This is how it happened:
I wanted to be a nurse so I applied to Mercy College in the Uptown Part of Toledo. I got accepted and started there in August of 2005. I went through 3 years of schooling there at Mercy and I wont go into details but I failed out of there. Yup, I failed out of college! Woo-Stinkin-Hoo! So I decided that I wanted to be closer to my boyfriend, so I am now going to UT. Back to being a freshman.
I was supposed to graduate with my Bachelor's in Nursing this May! I am so heartbroken the more I think about it. All of my friends still go to Mercy and are still going to graduate in May. I am so happy for them but I wanted to be there too!
Oh well that was a random rant but in other news, John and I are going to look at apartments tomorrow!! YAY!! John's medications that our doctor put him on at our last appt. are starting to work!! YAY!!! And, everything is back to normal in our relationship which is also very good news!! YAY!!
I have a ton of homework! =( So I must leave my random rants alone for today... More later.
J+J
Weird right? No, I didn't take a big break out of high school and then go to college. Nope, that's not how it happened... This is how it happened:
I wanted to be a nurse so I applied to Mercy College in the Uptown Part of Toledo. I got accepted and started there in August of 2005. I went through 3 years of schooling there at Mercy and I wont go into details but I failed out of there. Yup, I failed out of college! Woo-Stinkin-Hoo! So I decided that I wanted to be closer to my boyfriend, so I am now going to UT. Back to being a freshman.
I was supposed to graduate with my Bachelor's in Nursing this May! I am so heartbroken the more I think about it. All of my friends still go to Mercy and are still going to graduate in May. I am so happy for them but I wanted to be there too!
Oh well that was a random rant but in other news, John and I are going to look at apartments tomorrow!! YAY!! John's medications that our doctor put him on at our last appt. are starting to work!! YAY!!! And, everything is back to normal in our relationship which is also very good news!! YAY!!
I have a ton of homework! =( So I must leave my random rants alone for today... More later.
J+J
March 23, 2009
What an amazingly long day! Instead of my 0530 wakeup I was so lucky and got up at 0200 and then 0300 to 0330 and then at 0430 for the rest of the day... Really lovely!!
I passed my check-off! (YAY!) and clinical went well except for me having a pretty difficult patient!
In other news, John and I talked stuff through and we're all good. In other other news, John has a cold, which supposedly you get a lot when you have liver damage??!!?? And, on top of all that his pain med every day contains Tylenol, Nyquil contains Tylenol and bottom line... It's A LOT of Tylenol! It's a lot for anyone and especially for someone with liver damage!
I don't have much to write today. I am so scatter brained from loss of sleep that I have spelled almost every word I have typed wrong!
Night all. I'm done!
J+J
I passed my check-off! (YAY!) and clinical went well except for me having a pretty difficult patient!
In other news, John and I talked stuff through and we're all good. In other other news, John has a cold, which supposedly you get a lot when you have liver damage??!!?? And, on top of all that his pain med every day contains Tylenol, Nyquil contains Tylenol and bottom line... It's A LOT of Tylenol! It's a lot for anyone and especially for someone with liver damage!
I don't have much to write today. I am so scatter brained from loss of sleep that I have spelled almost every word I have typed wrong!
Night all. I'm done!
J+J
March 22, 2009
So you know those times...
So you know those times when you just can't sleep... Yup. Just one of those nights!
I have to get up at 0530 tomorrow for my clinical for school! Oh Joy! Then after all of that I have to go to ANOTHER hospital and do a check-off... which is like a skill thing that the instructors watch you do so they make sure you are doing it right! One of the most stressful things in life is a check-off!
John and I got into a HUGE-O fight tonight and I am literally so mad about it still I want to punch my computer screen!
John and I don't fight. Have we before... sure... about who gets the last piece of gum or who gets to choose the radio station or who drives, etc., etc..
No, not tonight... I'm not gonna go into details but lets boil it down to John being a priveleged little snot and not giving a shit about anyone else... really cool... or not!
I'm SO MAD!! I should just be the bigger person and get over it! I should, I already know that! I just can't. Not right now. Not so soon after all of the mayhem!
Oh good God!! I have to get some sleep and I just CANT! It's all this stupid fights fault. I was tired before we started fighting not I am reved up and I can't stop the thoughts flowing through my crippled brain!
Men are so hard to get through too... Maybe it's just me and I don't know how to present the info so that they comprehend it!
I need sleep... I'm going to go stare at the ceiling!
Later.
I have to get up at 0530 tomorrow for my clinical for school! Oh Joy! Then after all of that I have to go to ANOTHER hospital and do a check-off... which is like a skill thing that the instructors watch you do so they make sure you are doing it right! One of the most stressful things in life is a check-off!
John and I got into a HUGE-O fight tonight and I am literally so mad about it still I want to punch my computer screen!
John and I don't fight. Have we before... sure... about who gets the last piece of gum or who gets to choose the radio station or who drives, etc., etc..
No, not tonight... I'm not gonna go into details but lets boil it down to John being a priveleged little snot and not giving a shit about anyone else... really cool... or not!
I'm SO MAD!! I should just be the bigger person and get over it! I should, I already know that! I just can't. Not right now. Not so soon after all of the mayhem!
Oh good God!! I have to get some sleep and I just CANT! It's all this stupid fights fault. I was tired before we started fighting not I am reved up and I can't stop the thoughts flowing through my crippled brain!
Men are so hard to get through too... Maybe it's just me and I don't know how to present the info so that they comprehend it!
I need sleep... I'm going to go stare at the ceiling!
Later.
March 21, 2009
I'd like to thank the Academy!!
I am so flattered that I got an award... I'm not sure if I was supposed to steal the picture too but I did (sorry!)
And then there is a list thing about things I love! So here goes:
1)John. He is always there for me and we have been through so much together. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him!
2)My other friends. I only have about 2 other friends. That's fine though. I love them so much and I know we will never loose the friendship we have!
3) Electronics! I am so sorry that electronics had to make it to my list. However, I could NOT live or fully function without my phone or my computer... I would be utterly lost. And calculators!! AMEN TO CALCULATORS!!
4) People who read my blog. Actually #3 is the person who reads my blog! That would be Jessica! She reads my blog and has so many encouraging comments and it brightens my entire day when I see a comment from her and go read her blog and see all her updates!
5) Coffee/ Caffiene. I am addicted to caffiene and without it I have a headache. I also love mocha's with shots of vanilla syrup in it!! YUMMMM!!!
6) All of my doctors/ nurses and All of John's doctors/ nurses. John and I have been through a lot of medical problems (together and before we met). My life has been saved a good 20+ times with medicine and amazing staff and John's life is GOING to be saved by doctors or nurses! I love miracles and medicine is a small but significant one!
7) My life. Okay, this one might be a bit bland but it's true. There are tough times but even those are trivial compared to the amazing-ness of life!
Now I am supposed to pass this award off to people who read my blog but like I said Jessica is the only one and she already received this award. However, she leaves me comments all the time and is a superb blogger so I give this award back to you Jessica!!
March 20, 2009
Dr's Appt
We had out Dr's appt. yesterday... kind of as a check-in see how you are holding up kinf of appt.
So we see a nurse practitioner instead of the Dr's and We LOVE her!! She walks in the room and looks at John and the first thing she said was "You look good!" That made me smile! =) He does look good!! =)
So we got to talking about how he was doing and that he should lose weight... yeah we know... and then she gave him some pain meds and some meds for his bowel issues and John has a misconception that its going to help his esophagus too... I don't think so... Oh well...
She went over the labs with us and all the results from the major tests that we already knew and said that they would just keep watching it ... like blood work and ultrasounds until we actually get something good or bad and then we take more action... for right now the transplant is on hold... =( I just want him to get a liver... I don't really understand what the doctor was blabbing on about when she said we were gonna wait on that... =(
Oh well... Just thought I would update... More later I'm sure
OH!! I almost forgot!! John got a letter in the mail and has been accepted into a History National Honors Society!! FANTASTIC!! I am so proud of him!! =) The banquet is on April 9th to be inducted! I SO PROUD OF HIM!!
Love,
J+J
So we see a nurse practitioner instead of the Dr's and We LOVE her!! She walks in the room and looks at John and the first thing she said was "You look good!" That made me smile! =) He does look good!! =)
So we got to talking about how he was doing and that he should lose weight... yeah we know... and then she gave him some pain meds and some meds for his bowel issues and John has a misconception that its going to help his esophagus too... I don't think so... Oh well...
She went over the labs with us and all the results from the major tests that we already knew and said that they would just keep watching it ... like blood work and ultrasounds until we actually get something good or bad and then we take more action... for right now the transplant is on hold... =( I just want him to get a liver... I don't really understand what the doctor was blabbing on about when she said we were gonna wait on that... =(
Oh well... Just thought I would update... More later I'm sure
OH!! I almost forgot!! John got a letter in the mail and has been accepted into a History National Honors Society!! FANTASTIC!! I am so proud of him!! =) The banquet is on April 9th to be inducted! I SO PROUD OF HIM!!
Love,
J+J
March 17, 2009
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday Clancy James!!The Big 3 Years Old!!
We love you so much and are so glad you are in our lives!!
Much Love Little C!!
J+J
March 12, 2009
Going Home
We'll be headed home tomorrow... back to good ol' T-Town!!
I kind of miss it but my mom called me and said out basement flooded while we were on vaca so I can't say I'm looking forward to that!!
This vaca has been really nice... I wish it could only last longer...
We've had our bad days... but what relationship doesnt??!!!??
Oh well I can't wait to post pictures and stuff... I love some of the pictures we took!! =)
Okay... More later (maybe tomorrow, but I have a bunch of homework to do!)
J+J
I kind of miss it but my mom called me and said out basement flooded while we were on vaca so I can't say I'm looking forward to that!!
This vaca has been really nice... I wish it could only last longer...
We've had our bad days... but what relationship doesnt??!!!??
Oh well I can't wait to post pictures and stuff... I love some of the pictures we took!! =)
Okay... More later (maybe tomorrow, but I have a bunch of homework to do!)
J+J
March 8, 2009
there is some relaxin
We made it to Columbus today and are now with his dad and step-mom (who we like much more than the other side of his family!!)
I cannot wait to put my pictures on my computer some of them are so fun!! Some of them are pretty boring... but either way I love pictures!
News on health: John lost 19 pounds... thats good and bad I guess... he needed to lose weight but he is also getting fatigued and the 2 major signs of liver failure are fatigue and large weight loss in a short amount of time... I hate to think he is getting worse... maybe we are lucky and it's just because he is getting healthier by losing weight!
Oh well more later or when we get back to lovely Toledo!
J+J
I cannot wait to put my pictures on my computer some of them are so fun!! Some of them are pretty boring... but either way I love pictures!
News on health: John lost 19 pounds... thats good and bad I guess... he needed to lose weight but he is also getting fatigued and the 2 major signs of liver failure are fatigue and large weight loss in a short amount of time... I hate to think he is getting worse... maybe we are lucky and it's just because he is getting healthier by losing weight!
Oh well more later or when we get back to lovely Toledo!
J+J
March 7, 2009
Spring Break... not cool
I am freezing... Chelsea, Michigan is SO COLD!! It was about 70 degrees when we got here yesterday and now its like 30 and raining!! =(
I have so much homework and it is getting on my nerves... AWFUL!!
John's pretty sick too... what else is new though?
Last night he had chest pain and of course his liver hurt... He has awful GI distress right now... We should have stayed in Toledo just in case this happened!!
Oh well I have to get back to homework so that I can finish so I'm not busy with homework all break!!
More later... Plus pictures!!
J+J
I have so much homework and it is getting on my nerves... AWFUL!!
John's pretty sick too... what else is new though?
Last night he had chest pain and of course his liver hurt... He has awful GI distress right now... We should have stayed in Toledo just in case this happened!!
Oh well I have to get back to homework so that I can finish so I'm not busy with homework all break!!
More later... Plus pictures!!
J+J
March 5, 2009
It's Been Weird
This is my second day without John and it is WEIRD!!
I get to see him tomorrow which I am super excited about and we are leaving for about nine days... That's fun except for the fact that he will be sick the entire time... I just hope he remembers to pack his meds... Sometimes he forgets and we have to turn around, cancel our trip, and go home just so we can have meds on hand... I really hope he remembers... I really need a vacation...
I wish he could have had his liver by now... We'll get it soon enough... They are keeping a close eye on the labs and on a liver ultrasound... John want's to do more liver biopsies because he loves the meds they give him =p
What a goofball... I wish I could get the pictures off of his phone and my phone that we take while we are in the hospital... I am taking my camera on vacation for sure so we will hopefully get some really cute pictures!! I just love pictures!!
Anyways this was a pretty pointless post... and now I am off for more homework!! WOOHOO!!!
J+J
I get to see him tomorrow which I am super excited about and we are leaving for about nine days... That's fun except for the fact that he will be sick the entire time... I just hope he remembers to pack his meds... Sometimes he forgets and we have to turn around, cancel our trip, and go home just so we can have meds on hand... I really hope he remembers... I really need a vacation...
I wish he could have had his liver by now... We'll get it soon enough... They are keeping a close eye on the labs and on a liver ultrasound... John want's to do more liver biopsies because he loves the meds they give him =p
What a goofball... I wish I could get the pictures off of his phone and my phone that we take while we are in the hospital... I am taking my camera on vacation for sure so we will hopefully get some really cute pictures!! I just love pictures!!
Anyways this was a pretty pointless post... and now I am off for more homework!! WOOHOO!!!
J+J
March 3, 2009
I'm done with his liver for a few days!?!?
I don't get to see John until Friday and I am a little heartbroken because we don't spend time apart... except for at night when we go to our seperate homes... and even those few hours suck!
I also have to say that I am a little excited... No more pain in my life for 3 days, no more dying liver, no more jaundice, no more liver for 3 days!! I miss John but definately not his liver...
It's hard to see him living with such an awful liver and I would LOVE it... LOOOOVVVEEEE IT!! if he could get a new one and right now I have almost come to terms with the fact that we just have to wait it out and one day we'll get lucky ducky and find a new liver for him.
Most transplants come from people who die... not from live donors like I wish could happen! Here's the dilemma: I sit here waiting for a new liver for John but that also means I am sitting here waiting for someone else to die so that he can get his liver.
That makes me feel so guilty because so many other people are losing loved ones! I don't want the other people to die but I hope everyday that we will get a call to say "Come on in. We got a good one!" I know it seems like that makes me an awful person but I love John so much and I can't imagine my life without him... I already know that these next 3 days are gonna be brutal and I can't imagine a life without him!
Someone please save John! Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, etc., etc.!
I also have to say that I am a little excited... No more pain in my life for 3 days, no more dying liver, no more jaundice, no more liver for 3 days!! I miss John but definately not his liver...
It's hard to see him living with such an awful liver and I would LOVE it... LOOOOVVVEEEE IT!! if he could get a new one and right now I have almost come to terms with the fact that we just have to wait it out and one day we'll get lucky ducky and find a new liver for him.
Most transplants come from people who die... not from live donors like I wish could happen! Here's the dilemma: I sit here waiting for a new liver for John but that also means I am sitting here waiting for someone else to die so that he can get his liver.
That makes me feel so guilty because so many other people are losing loved ones! I don't want the other people to die but I hope everyday that we will get a call to say "Come on in. We got a good one!" I know it seems like that makes me an awful person but I love John so much and I can't imagine my life without him... I already know that these next 3 days are gonna be brutal and I can't imagine a life without him!
Someone please save John! Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, etc., etc.!
March 2, 2009
So we've decided
It isn't fair anymore... John and I were talking the other day and thats what we have decided.
It took to long to find this, they didn't catch it in time, they waited until he was more than half dead to tell us!
John told me that he wanted to sue the first doctor we saw because he was compltely ignorant to John's issue... He did some routine bloodwork and when his AST and ALT (liver enzymes) came back FOUR TIMES higher than they should be... HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!! Isn't that neglect? Don't doctors take an oath to help people, not ignore the problems?
We are actually looking into how to sue a doctor and if we have a case but if we do you best believe that we are gonna sue the pants off of him!
It still isn't fair... I can't stand it... I have had a problem the past few weeks where everytime I think of this whole thing I literally get sick to my stomach and start gagging... It's AWFUL!!
I just want something miraculous to happen and it wont... AND on top of all that John's doctors appt. that was scheduled for tomorrow is now pushed back to the 19th of March!! Stupid doctor broke her arm!!
Whatever... I hate this.... Someone just please save John!!! PLEASE!!
It took to long to find this, they didn't catch it in time, they waited until he was more than half dead to tell us!
John told me that he wanted to sue the first doctor we saw because he was compltely ignorant to John's issue... He did some routine bloodwork and when his AST and ALT (liver enzymes) came back FOUR TIMES higher than they should be... HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!! Isn't that neglect? Don't doctors take an oath to help people, not ignore the problems?
We are actually looking into how to sue a doctor and if we have a case but if we do you best believe that we are gonna sue the pants off of him!
It still isn't fair... I can't stand it... I have had a problem the past few weeks where everytime I think of this whole thing I literally get sick to my stomach and start gagging... It's AWFUL!!
I just want something miraculous to happen and it wont... AND on top of all that John's doctors appt. that was scheduled for tomorrow is now pushed back to the 19th of March!! Stupid doctor broke her arm!!
Whatever... I hate this.... Someone just please save John!!! PLEASE!!
February 28, 2009
I'm sorry
Okay let clear a few things up... I'm sorry doesnt mean SHIT to me anymore! My mom always said "Sorry doesn't cut it." I totally understand now and agree with her 1000000%
Say it as much as you want in all the languages you want and buy me balloons that say it I don't care it doesn't affect me anymore... I hate that saying.... If you screw up don't say it to me... I don't believe you anymore... Here's a few examples:
"I'm sorry your liver is dying" (NOT DEAD YET!)
"I'm so sorry to hear your story" (NO YOU AREN'T... YOU JUST THINK IT'S UNFORTUNATE... THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID!)
"I'm sorry you have to go through this" (Okay... I'll make an acception... This one I will accept)
"I'm sorry I always ruin a good thing" (No you aren't or you wouldn't do it in the first place... GOSH THINK BEFORE YOU ACT!!)
"I'm sorry" (NOT TRUE!)
"I'm sorry your dying of cancer" (DIDN'T DIE!! STILL ALIVE AND KICKING!!)
"I'm sorry you'll never walk again" (I'M WALKING... TOOK ME A LITTLE WHILE BUT I AM WALKING!)
"I'm sorry you'll never breath on your own again" (I'M ALSO BREATHING... ON MY OWN!! THANK YOU VERY MUCH YOU LITTLE LIAR)
"I'm sorry your daughter wont ever remember you" (I REMEMBER MY PARENTS... IT TOOK A LITTLE WHILE BUT I KNOW WHO THEY ARE NOW... MOST DAYS)
"I'm sorry that we couldn't find this sooner" (YEAH ME TOO SO STOP APOLOGIZING BECAUSE YOU COULD HAVE ALSO ACTED A LOT SOONER!)
"I'm sorry for your loss" (YOU HAVE NO IDEA... This one isn't awful because I'm sure people really do feel bad that you've lost someone but in some situations... NO!)
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry" (THE DOUBLE APOLOGY IS UNACCEPTABLE... IT WAS EITHER UNFORTUNATE OR YOU JUST F-ED UP SUPER BAD AND CAN ONLY SAY I'M SORRY TO TRY TO MAKE IT BETTER AND IT DOESN'T ANYMORE!)
The only sorry I like is "I'm sorry but I can't help you!" THANK YOU!!! You can't help me that's right! If you can't help me just tell me or John! That's all we want to know... we will stop paying you boo-koo of bucks for this advice that isn't helping us!!
Was this a pointless post... yes maybe... "I'M SORRY"... but I had to get it off my chest and I feel so much better now!!
Just one more plea before I go:
SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE JOHN!! PLEASE!! I DON'T KNOW WHO I NEED TO BEG OR PAY OR WHAT-NOT I WILL DO ANYTHING!! JUST PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE SAVE HIM!!
Say it as much as you want in all the languages you want and buy me balloons that say it I don't care it doesn't affect me anymore... I hate that saying.... If you screw up don't say it to me... I don't believe you anymore... Here's a few examples:
"I'm sorry your liver is dying" (NOT DEAD YET!)
"I'm so sorry to hear your story" (NO YOU AREN'T... YOU JUST THINK IT'S UNFORTUNATE... THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID!)
"I'm sorry you have to go through this" (Okay... I'll make an acception... This one I will accept)
"I'm sorry I always ruin a good thing" (No you aren't or you wouldn't do it in the first place... GOSH THINK BEFORE YOU ACT!!)
"I'm sorry" (NOT TRUE!)
"I'm sorry your dying of cancer" (DIDN'T DIE!! STILL ALIVE AND KICKING!!)
"I'm sorry you'll never walk again" (I'M WALKING... TOOK ME A LITTLE WHILE BUT I AM WALKING!)
"I'm sorry you'll never breath on your own again" (I'M ALSO BREATHING... ON MY OWN!! THANK YOU VERY MUCH YOU LITTLE LIAR)
"I'm sorry your daughter wont ever remember you" (I REMEMBER MY PARENTS... IT TOOK A LITTLE WHILE BUT I KNOW WHO THEY ARE NOW... MOST DAYS)
"I'm sorry that we couldn't find this sooner" (YEAH ME TOO SO STOP APOLOGIZING BECAUSE YOU COULD HAVE ALSO ACTED A LOT SOONER!)
"I'm sorry for your loss" (YOU HAVE NO IDEA... This one isn't awful because I'm sure people really do feel bad that you've lost someone but in some situations... NO!)
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry" (THE DOUBLE APOLOGY IS UNACCEPTABLE... IT WAS EITHER UNFORTUNATE OR YOU JUST F-ED UP SUPER BAD AND CAN ONLY SAY I'M SORRY TO TRY TO MAKE IT BETTER AND IT DOESN'T ANYMORE!)
The only sorry I like is "I'm sorry but I can't help you!" THANK YOU!!! You can't help me that's right! If you can't help me just tell me or John! That's all we want to know... we will stop paying you boo-koo of bucks for this advice that isn't helping us!!
Was this a pointless post... yes maybe... "I'M SORRY"... but I had to get it off my chest and I feel so much better now!!
Just one more plea before I go:
SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE JOHN!! PLEASE!! I DON'T KNOW WHO I NEED TO BEG OR PAY OR WHAT-NOT I WILL DO ANYTHING!! JUST PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE SAVE HIM!!
February 27, 2009
I always loved hospitals
Seriously I have a thing for hospitals... call it a crush or just plain ol' love.
I've ALWAYS loved hospitals! I've been in a hospital about 3/4 of my 21.75 year life and I wouldn't trade it for anything. It's not my illnesses that I've loved (see below for the list of things I like), no, its the nurses and the doctors and the oh-so-comfortable beds and the fact that I am in a hospital and safe and if anything happened to me I would be okay because people were right there to save me!
Don't get me wrong... I still have a "thing" for hospitals... but it's fading. I still love the beds and the food and most of the nurses and most of the doctors. But, I don't love hospitals anymore and I don't feel safe in them anymore and I don't want to be there everyday like I use too! I don't want to go to the hospital in the morning with John because I feel like everytime they will want ot admit him again... for a long while... or they will send us out the doors again with no answers.
We have answers... We know he has hepatitis... We know he has fibrosis and cirrhosis... We know that this is what will end up killing him... And we know that there is only so much we can do by ourselves before we have to cave into all the pressures and admit him to the hospital and put him on life support...
I've been on life support before... actually a few times... and for a long while each time... It doesn't matter to the patient... I was in a coma... I don't remember... I know he wont either but I know that it is torture for the family to sit at their loved one's bedside and watch their vital signs crumble and be nonexistent and see the nurses crack ribs because of the CPR compressions... I know that it's traumatizing... my family can't talk about what happened to me and they cant even look at the pictures that they took to chronicle the whole experience! It's traumatizing... I realize that and the last thing I want is to see John hooked up to all of those wires and tubes and to realize that he might not wake up and he might not breath on his own again if he does.
I just want a liver... anyone's liver... SOMEBODY JUST GIVE HIM YOUR LIVER!!
SOMEBODY JUST PLEASE SAVE JOHN!! PLEASE! PLEASE!! PLEASE!!!
I've ALWAYS loved hospitals! I've been in a hospital about 3/4 of my 21.75 year life and I wouldn't trade it for anything. It's not my illnesses that I've loved (see below for the list of things I like), no, its the nurses and the doctors and the oh-so-comfortable beds and the fact that I am in a hospital and safe and if anything happened to me I would be okay because people were right there to save me!
Don't get me wrong... I still have a "thing" for hospitals... but it's fading. I still love the beds and the food and most of the nurses and most of the doctors. But, I don't love hospitals anymore and I don't feel safe in them anymore and I don't want to be there everyday like I use too! I don't want to go to the hospital in the morning with John because I feel like everytime they will want ot admit him again... for a long while... or they will send us out the doors again with no answers.
We have answers... We know he has hepatitis... We know he has fibrosis and cirrhosis... We know that this is what will end up killing him... And we know that there is only so much we can do by ourselves before we have to cave into all the pressures and admit him to the hospital and put him on life support...
I've been on life support before... actually a few times... and for a long while each time... It doesn't matter to the patient... I was in a coma... I don't remember... I know he wont either but I know that it is torture for the family to sit at their loved one's bedside and watch their vital signs crumble and be nonexistent and see the nurses crack ribs because of the CPR compressions... I know that it's traumatizing... my family can't talk about what happened to me and they cant even look at the pictures that they took to chronicle the whole experience! It's traumatizing... I realize that and the last thing I want is to see John hooked up to all of those wires and tubes and to realize that he might not wake up and he might not breath on his own again if he does.
I just want a liver... anyone's liver... SOMEBODY JUST GIVE HIM YOUR LIVER!!
SOMEBODY JUST PLEASE SAVE JOHN!! PLEASE! PLEASE!! PLEASE!!!
February 24, 2009
It's the list of boredom!
Things I like about hospitals:
- Good nurses, Good doctors
- Chicken Noodle Soup in the cafeteria!! DELICIOUS!!
- Hospital beds... people think they are so uncomfortable but I LOVE them!! I think they are the most comfortable thing ever!!
- The fact that I can sit around or walk around all day and nobody questions me if I have anything better to do!
- Seeing John smile when he feels better
- Seeing John happy when the doctors and nurses make him laugh
- Seeing John get better (sometimes)
- The excellent staff that just loves us SO much! (I love them too!)
- Food from the cafeteria... some of it isn't as bad as people make it seem!
- Nurses that actually get you what you need, when you need it! LOVE THAT!
- The family shower! IT IS HUGE!
- The fact that nurses become your friends... we love new friends!
- Getting to spend all that time with John
- The Gift Shop
Things I hate about the hospital:
- The smells... I can't even explain how bad it is sometimes...
- The mean doctors that don't give a flying F&%@
- The mean nurses that don't want to help you
- John getting worse
- John crying
- John never smiling
- John's pain
- Tests that take 9x longer than they are supposed to
- Neglecting my homework and the rest of my life
- John sleeping the entire day and then waking up to say that he is tired or in pain
- Things I can't afford in the Gift Shop that I really want
- The cafeteria food that makes you gain weight like woah!
- The smell... again... sometimes it's so bad it has to be on the list twice
- All the other sick people that make me feel so bad
- John being sick
- John's liver dying
- All the people that feel bad for us because we pretty much live in the hospital... Don't feel bad... we don't mind it so much anymore
- The worst thing: SLOW REGISTRARS!! I cannot even explain how bad this is... people who are slow getting his name and info into the computer make me so mad!! SO MAD!! I cannot even explain why I get mad but it makes me so mad I just want to jump the counter and do it for them!!
February 21, 2009
Oh Liver... You're Killing Me Too!
These last 2 days have been torture and for some reason I don't see tomorrow as being any better. My nerves are shot and I feel like crying when I even hear anyone talk... literally anyone. I went to Walmart the other day to pick up some goodies to cheer John up and obviously there are a lot of people there... talking. I got all choked up and had to just run and grab what I needed and leave.
I will say that even though I feel like I am about to crumble into a million little pieces that are impossible to reassemble... I haven't cried and I haven't let John know I'm sad! I think that's an A+ on my report card!
Sometimes John will joke and I will "laugh" but it isn't a true laugh and I am glad that he hasn't caught on yet... I think it's his ears. His ears are so bad and just getting worse and I don't think he has much of a chance to keep all his hearing if we don't get that checked soon.
He is in constant pain and I feel so bad for him... Now it's rubbed off on me... I feel like I have all this pain all the time but it's not like an organ failure pain like his... Mine's so emotional and mental and maybe physical too just because of the exhaustion.
It doesn't make sense how so many people can battle diseases and even worse diseases then John's (I guess that might be a stretch) and they are fine... 9 doses of chemo in a week... Their fine! WTF!!?? John has to lay there and get worse and you get poked with a needle a few times a week and are all better!?!?!?!?!!??
I don't get it... I am just so sad right now I don't get anything!
SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE JOHN!! PLEASE!!!!! =...(
I will say that even though I feel like I am about to crumble into a million little pieces that are impossible to reassemble... I haven't cried and I haven't let John know I'm sad! I think that's an A+ on my report card!
Sometimes John will joke and I will "laugh" but it isn't a true laugh and I am glad that he hasn't caught on yet... I think it's his ears. His ears are so bad and just getting worse and I don't think he has much of a chance to keep all his hearing if we don't get that checked soon.
He is in constant pain and I feel so bad for him... Now it's rubbed off on me... I feel like I have all this pain all the time but it's not like an organ failure pain like his... Mine's so emotional and mental and maybe physical too just because of the exhaustion.
It doesn't make sense how so many people can battle diseases and even worse diseases then John's (I guess that might be a stretch) and they are fine... 9 doses of chemo in a week... Their fine! WTF!!?? John has to lay there and get worse and you get poked with a needle a few times a week and are all better!?!?!?!?!!??
I don't get it... I am just so sad right now I don't get anything!
SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE JOHN!! PLEASE!!!!! =...(
February 20, 2009
When do I get a break?
I know that this whole ordeal isn't about me but I need a break! I am so exhausted that I am having trouble doing everyday activities!
I don't want to sound selfish and I know that it will come out that way so I apologize in advance! John always gets to lay around and veg and complain because his liver hurts and his kidneys hurt and yadayada hurt... When do I get my chance to lay around and people wait on me and listen to me complain 24/7!?!?
I have 3 tests next week and they aren't regular exams there like make or break my grade exams! I need to study and I need to have time for me! I want to be with John all the time but maybe sometimes we can focus on what Julia wants and not "All about John Time."
I'm sorry to be so rude about it but I have a hard time with all of this too! I'm sad too and I want time to grieve too! Oh well... I guess the time will come when I will have plenty of "alone time" and time to grieve... I just hope that doesn't come too soon! =(
Someone save John PLEASE!! =..(
I don't want to sound selfish and I know that it will come out that way so I apologize in advance! John always gets to lay around and veg and complain because his liver hurts and his kidneys hurt and yadayada hurt... When do I get my chance to lay around and people wait on me and listen to me complain 24/7!?!?
I have 3 tests next week and they aren't regular exams there like make or break my grade exams! I need to study and I need to have time for me! I want to be with John all the time but maybe sometimes we can focus on what Julia wants and not "All about John Time."
I'm sorry to be so rude about it but I have a hard time with all of this too! I'm sad too and I want time to grieve too! Oh well... I guess the time will come when I will have plenty of "alone time" and time to grieve... I just hope that doesn't come too soon! =(
Someone save John PLEASE!! =..(
February 19, 2009
I don't even know where to go from here!
I don't have anything to say really. I feel like venting but can't even put it into words.
I just want to scream and cry and everything in between. John's getting worse. We both know it, and in our own ways try to accept it but we can't!
Today he started crying and I just wanted to break down and cry too but at least one person has to be strong for the other!
His pain is constant and it is all over! He has constant pain in his abdomen (for his liver and the GERD), his ears hurt because he can't seem to kick ear infections no matter what they give him, his legs hurt for some reason they can't figure out and he has pain in his head. "Soft spots" are what the doctors call them but they wont do any kind of diagnostic test to see if it's something more!
They always say listen to the "mothers intuition" and I'm not John's mother but I can have an intuition too and I just know something more is wrong. Maybe it is related to what his God awful liver is doing to his body but it's not just from the hepatitis.
Why won't the doctors listen to us?? We have the nurses on our side and now we just need to doctors too! WORK WITH US HERE!
Bills keep pouring in... Today we got 3 and it looks like one's we have already recieved for his liver biopsy or EGD but he's had so mant of those and so many blood tests that we can't even keep it all straight. The only good thing is that his dad and step-mom (even though they live a little bit away) try to help us as much as they can with the bills. Sometimes it isn't enough but we get by.
On a happy note: John's meds have been working SUPER good the past couple days!! The pain is still there and today his eyes looked nasty yellow... (I think they are getting worse) but there was less nausea and diarrhea the last couple days!! I thought that was fabulous news!! He can't have any more Imodium for his diarrhea though because supposedly that's bad for his liver. Everything we want to try as an OTC seems to be bad for the liver! OF COURSE!! John had to get the disease that affects one of the most important organs!! Why couldn't it have been appendicitis?
I have read some "personal stories" of people with hepatitis and cirrhosis that say that the surgeon went in a cut out one of the lobes of the liver and let it regenerate healthy tissue! Well, F&#@, John's liver is much too far gone to do that! Some people are so lucky sometimes. I hate to think about someone dying so that John can get a liver. It's a terrible thing to lose a loved one but I want John to live!! We are both 21 years old and we have so much more life to live and I want to live it with him!!
I'm going to cry... More later!
Love,
J&J
I just want to scream and cry and everything in between. John's getting worse. We both know it, and in our own ways try to accept it but we can't!
Today he started crying and I just wanted to break down and cry too but at least one person has to be strong for the other!
His pain is constant and it is all over! He has constant pain in his abdomen (for his liver and the GERD), his ears hurt because he can't seem to kick ear infections no matter what they give him, his legs hurt for some reason they can't figure out and he has pain in his head. "Soft spots" are what the doctors call them but they wont do any kind of diagnostic test to see if it's something more!
They always say listen to the "mothers intuition" and I'm not John's mother but I can have an intuition too and I just know something more is wrong. Maybe it is related to what his God awful liver is doing to his body but it's not just from the hepatitis.
Why won't the doctors listen to us?? We have the nurses on our side and now we just need to doctors too! WORK WITH US HERE!
Bills keep pouring in... Today we got 3 and it looks like one's we have already recieved for his liver biopsy or EGD but he's had so mant of those and so many blood tests that we can't even keep it all straight. The only good thing is that his dad and step-mom (even though they live a little bit away) try to help us as much as they can with the bills. Sometimes it isn't enough but we get by.
On a happy note: John's meds have been working SUPER good the past couple days!! The pain is still there and today his eyes looked nasty yellow... (I think they are getting worse) but there was less nausea and diarrhea the last couple days!! I thought that was fabulous news!! He can't have any more Imodium for his diarrhea though because supposedly that's bad for his liver. Everything we want to try as an OTC seems to be bad for the liver! OF COURSE!! John had to get the disease that affects one of the most important organs!! Why couldn't it have been appendicitis?
I have read some "personal stories" of people with hepatitis and cirrhosis that say that the surgeon went in a cut out one of the lobes of the liver and let it regenerate healthy tissue! Well, F&#@, John's liver is much too far gone to do that! Some people are so lucky sometimes. I hate to think about someone dying so that John can get a liver. It's a terrible thing to lose a loved one but I want John to live!! We are both 21 years old and we have so much more life to live and I want to live it with him!!
I'm going to cry... More later!
Love,
J&J
February 18, 2009
I hate the Liver
I have no really good reason today to hate it... I just hate it everyday of my life.
The more yellow John gets and the more it hurts him and the more he suffers from it I just hate it that much more everyday!
It's been a year now since we started this "journey" into Liver Land and it is exhausting! I feel awful now that I look back and think about this last year... I should have noticed the jaundice and ascites... I just didn't see the subtle changes until it was one big cluster and much too late!
Doctor's make you feel guilty for not coming in sooner! All of them always ask us why we never came in sooner! WE HAVE BEEN TRYING!! We fought with doctors for 1 year before we found our team of doctors we have now that are trying to save him! And, the first thing a doctor says to me is "Haven't you noticed the changes in him? Ususally it's the significant other who notices it first!" Oh great buddy that's all I need is more guilt! Thanks a friggin bunch!
John has always had a sense of humor even when it is inappropriate but of course that's why I love him. He makes some of the awful times at the hospital really fun! Which seems kind of awkward to say because people think we should be morbid and depressed and crying all the time. When the doctors (the interns and visiting doctors) come in and ask John why he is there he jokes around and says he is as healthy as a horse! We both start chuckling and the doctor just kind of stands there like he has no idea what to say next which is pretty funny! Some of them understand that he is joking and joke with him (especially all of our friends in the GI and Radiology departments)!
It makes it much more bearable to be in the hospital when you can joke about it! Even though it is sad and we kind of try to forget about the illness I have read somewhere that that can be theraputic! We try to make it aas fun as possible! Sometimes pain and thousands of med names and treatments can be overwhelming and not fun but anytime we find fun we take it and run with it! I have learned that nurses are really funny sometimes and can make it 10,000 times better to be in the hospital when you get a good one! Doctors need to pick up on the sense of humor that is in the hospital!
My dad has been sick all his life too and both he and my mother always ask us how we can stand to be in a hospital all that time and not go crazy and we can't really explain it but it's fun to a certain extent! Might seem crazy... as this whole post might just seem a little bit out there! But really? Why not make it fun? Why not enjoy life while we have it? Maybe there will be a miracle or something and we will have more time but right now... now that we know our time will be cut short we have to enjoy it as much as possible and take every chance we get to make other peoples lives better too!
Thank you to all the people that have touched John and I's life... the doctors, nurses, housekeeping, dietary, nurse aids, friends, family, everyone!! You have changed our life, some for better, some for worse, and some of you have made yourselves part of the family and circle of friends! We will never forget youand everything you have done for us that you didn't have to do! You have all put in man hours that you will never be able to get back and some of you don't even get paid for doing things you do for us! We love you all and if we could find you again and thank you again personally we would!
Much, Much Love
John and Julia
The more yellow John gets and the more it hurts him and the more he suffers from it I just hate it that much more everyday!
It's been a year now since we started this "journey" into Liver Land and it is exhausting! I feel awful now that I look back and think about this last year... I should have noticed the jaundice and ascites... I just didn't see the subtle changes until it was one big cluster and much too late!
Doctor's make you feel guilty for not coming in sooner! All of them always ask us why we never came in sooner! WE HAVE BEEN TRYING!! We fought with doctors for 1 year before we found our team of doctors we have now that are trying to save him! And, the first thing a doctor says to me is "Haven't you noticed the changes in him? Ususally it's the significant other who notices it first!" Oh great buddy that's all I need is more guilt! Thanks a friggin bunch!
John has always had a sense of humor even when it is inappropriate but of course that's why I love him. He makes some of the awful times at the hospital really fun! Which seems kind of awkward to say because people think we should be morbid and depressed and crying all the time. When the doctors (the interns and visiting doctors) come in and ask John why he is there he jokes around and says he is as healthy as a horse! We both start chuckling and the doctor just kind of stands there like he has no idea what to say next which is pretty funny! Some of them understand that he is joking and joke with him (especially all of our friends in the GI and Radiology departments)!
It makes it much more bearable to be in the hospital when you can joke about it! Even though it is sad and we kind of try to forget about the illness I have read somewhere that that can be theraputic! We try to make it aas fun as possible! Sometimes pain and thousands of med names and treatments can be overwhelming and not fun but anytime we find fun we take it and run with it! I have learned that nurses are really funny sometimes and can make it 10,000 times better to be in the hospital when you get a good one! Doctors need to pick up on the sense of humor that is in the hospital!
My dad has been sick all his life too and both he and my mother always ask us how we can stand to be in a hospital all that time and not go crazy and we can't really explain it but it's fun to a certain extent! Might seem crazy... as this whole post might just seem a little bit out there! But really? Why not make it fun? Why not enjoy life while we have it? Maybe there will be a miracle or something and we will have more time but right now... now that we know our time will be cut short we have to enjoy it as much as possible and take every chance we get to make other peoples lives better too!
Thank you to all the people that have touched John and I's life... the doctors, nurses, housekeeping, dietary, nurse aids, friends, family, everyone!! You have changed our life, some for better, some for worse, and some of you have made yourselves part of the family and circle of friends! We will never forget youand everything you have done for us that you didn't have to do! You have all put in man hours that you will never be able to get back and some of you don't even get paid for doing things you do for us! We love you all and if we could find you again and thank you again personally we would!
Much, Much Love
John and Julia
February 16, 2009
Liver Disease is a little jokester!
You might think that liver disease being a jokester is a bad analogy... but it's EXACTLY what it is! Such a good way to explain it! I'm so over being really upset about liver disease the little joker...
Please let me explain my analogy... Okay so our little jokester friend... the liver likes to play tricks and pranks on people... One day you'll have "highlighter" jaundice and then the next you are a pale yellow color... and one day you'll have terrible ascites and then the next day for some reason all that fluid has magically disappered but it's back a few hours later! That little f-ing jokester!
I hate the liver so much! It makes me so mad I could just beat it up but since it is in my boyfriends body I don't really want to beat him up! The little jokester gets on my nerves... I just wish getting a liver transplant was easier than it really is. Whenever I talk about liver transplants with other people they have a very weird way of thinking and think that it's okay... there's plenty of livers out there just waiting for John! WRONG! They don't stockpile livers! There aren't huge factories and freezers that have reserves of livers for O-Neg blood types. Which is another HUGE thing that sucks is that John is O-Neg and of course they can give blood to anyone but can only recieve from O-Neg! Come on all my O-Neg friends! Sign up to be an organ donor.
I can't give him my organs because of my illness but I would love it if someone could!!! John's little jokester liver is running out of funny moments and now he is becoming very depressed and in need of some cheering up or a side act... like a new liver... to help him out!
Studying (about the liver)... More later!
<3
John and Julia
Please let me explain my analogy... Okay so our little jokester friend... the liver likes to play tricks and pranks on people... One day you'll have "highlighter" jaundice and then the next you are a pale yellow color... and one day you'll have terrible ascites and then the next day for some reason all that fluid has magically disappered but it's back a few hours later! That little f-ing jokester!
I hate the liver so much! It makes me so mad I could just beat it up but since it is in my boyfriends body I don't really want to beat him up! The little jokester gets on my nerves... I just wish getting a liver transplant was easier than it really is. Whenever I talk about liver transplants with other people they have a very weird way of thinking and think that it's okay... there's plenty of livers out there just waiting for John! WRONG! They don't stockpile livers! There aren't huge factories and freezers that have reserves of livers for O-Neg blood types. Which is another HUGE thing that sucks is that John is O-Neg and of course they can give blood to anyone but can only recieve from O-Neg! Come on all my O-Neg friends! Sign up to be an organ donor.
I can't give him my organs because of my illness but I would love it if someone could!!! John's little jokester liver is running out of funny moments and now he is becoming very depressed and in need of some cheering up or a side act... like a new liver... to help him out!
Studying (about the liver)... More later!
<3
John and Julia
February 15, 2009
Dr's. Are Liars
Ok so maybe the title needs a little explanation.
Dr's Lie... that's pretty straight forward... I think they tell you what you want to hear not what you need to hear... Let us know were dying... Let us know there is nothing we can do for this disease... Tell us what we need to do to beat this and if there is nothing tell us that too...
Ever since John got diagnoised the doctors read his chart and just look at us and shake their heads and then continue to say that it is going to be alright... Okay... hold up!! I just say you look at us like you were clinically depressed obviously we know it isn't good news! We've done our own research. We've seen that there is no treatment for his disease... Please! Don't tell us he'll be fine. You are only making it harder to watch him die because we think there is something else we can do! Sometimes I feel like I need to remind the doctor that we aren't little kids and we don't want/ need the sugar coat treatment! Tell me how long my boyfriend has to live and tell me the chances of him getting a liver before his dies and it would be FANTASTIC if I could find someone that could explain to me why this happened to him!?!?
So I saw this picture and I think it's perfect... I'm sorry if it doesn't come out very well but I don't need people to see gruesome pictures of a dying liver... I just want to hand this picture to a doctor and ask them to tell me where John is... obviously it's somewhere between the fibrosis and cirrhosis but since there isn't a picture there what exactly is his liver looking like right now?
I love John's doctors... So far they have saved his life by actually figuring out what's wrong with him but now they are sitting on the bench watching us fight the good fight because our team wants to win and they refuse to cheer us on! I could put a HUGE line of curse words right here but will hold my tounge... for now!
More later I'm sure!
<3
John and Julia
Dr's Lie... that's pretty straight forward... I think they tell you what you want to hear not what you need to hear... Let us know were dying... Let us know there is nothing we can do for this disease... Tell us what we need to do to beat this and if there is nothing tell us that too...
Ever since John got diagnoised the doctors read his chart and just look at us and shake their heads and then continue to say that it is going to be alright... Okay... hold up!! I just say you look at us like you were clinically depressed obviously we know it isn't good news! We've done our own research. We've seen that there is no treatment for his disease... Please! Don't tell us he'll be fine. You are only making it harder to watch him die because we think there is something else we can do! Sometimes I feel like I need to remind the doctor that we aren't little kids and we don't want/ need the sugar coat treatment! Tell me how long my boyfriend has to live and tell me the chances of him getting a liver before his dies and it would be FANTASTIC if I could find someone that could explain to me why this happened to him!?!?
So I saw this picture and I think it's perfect... I'm sorry if it doesn't come out very well but I don't need people to see gruesome pictures of a dying liver... I just want to hand this picture to a doctor and ask them to tell me where John is... obviously it's somewhere between the fibrosis and cirrhosis but since there isn't a picture there what exactly is his liver looking like right now?
I love John's doctors... So far they have saved his life by actually figuring out what's wrong with him but now they are sitting on the bench watching us fight the good fight because our team wants to win and they refuse to cheer us on! I could put a HUGE line of curse words right here but will hold my tounge... for now!
More later I'm sure!
<3
John and Julia
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