I can't even begin. My mind is racing, scrambling for the right words.
I guess this might be a long post but I have to get it off my chest.
My mentor (whom I love and admire) gave me some advice yesterday and I thought through it. I never take everything she says to heart and I always think through most of it unless I know that she is 100% right and I wont disagree with her.
Yesterday we talked for about 3 hours. A lot about life in general and then a lot about John. This is her advice. "Don't settle, select." Which I had thought I had done (select, that is) and then she comes on with her evidenciary support. I wont go into all of it because obviously three hours leads to a lot of support. (She must have been thinking about this a while b/c she was really really good at backing up her argument). Anyways, she spoke and I listened then I asked for more support and evidence and I listened some more and then I really went off on my own to think about it.
Like I said, her arguments were really really good in her favor. Her advice was to dump him (which I immediately threw out as an option) and then her argument kept coming back to me and I decided to talk to John. I am really confused about what happened last night and don't remember hardly any of the coversation I had with John but I do remember thinking and saying this: "The way I see it I can't see us breaking up, but I don't think I should have to settle." (Which the more I thought about what Carol had said I realized that maybe I did settle on a lot of issues that are too important to just settle on). Then I went on to say "But, the way I see the arguments and the way it plays out on out relationship, I can't see us staying together either."
I have no idea what to do. I don't want to settle, damn it, who would? But I can't even see my future without John. Or maybe I could if I knew there was someone better out there for me. I don't know. I would love some advice if anyone has any. Anyone, new blog readers, old blog readers, anyone with any insight!
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You can't stay with someone just because it's convenient and comfortable in hopes of finding something better. It's not fair to either person involved. If you are having feelings that you may have settled, then it's time to sit down and seriously contemplate the relationship. This is a tough thing to do and no one can (or should) tell you what to do with your relationship. It needs to come from the heart and be thought out.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, this can't be easy on you.