October 22, 2009

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday John.

You will be 22 today. I can't call you up and tell you and I can't buy you presents and give them to you. This is the first birthday in many birthday's of yours that I wont be with you. You don't care but it hurts a little more today knowing that this is one more celebration we don't get to have together. The holiday's are looming and Thanksgiving and Christmas were our favorites! I see all the decorations and all of the happy couples shopping together and I cry. For us. For me mostly. You have another girl in your life. Have for a while. You'll have someone to cuddle up to and exchange gifts with and I will still sit in my empty house staring at walls thinking of you.

I miss you John. Maybe now more than ever.

People always told me that it gets easier with time. When does the time that it gets easier with start? It's been 4 months and it seems like I haven't seen him in ages. I still hurt everyday. I still want him back in my life. I want to marry him like we were supposed to be doing right about now... I want my life back. I realize now that I wont ever forget him and I wont ever stop hurting completely but it shouldn't be THIS bad still, should it?

I wasn't prepared mentally or physically for it. I am a complete train wreck and it seems like there were a lot of fatalities on that train... It hurts. I get it. I've had my heart broken once before this last time but it was nothing like this. Why is this time so much harder? What made this one so different? Why am I still hurting?

September 29, 2009

The C Word... Sorry (I stole this title)

As probably none of you know my family has been through the cancer ringer enough times to stop counting now.

A fellow blogger (Jessica) just wrote about her friend getting cancer (and it seems very advanced for such a young age! good luck to her and her family!)

My mother and sister both has ovarian cancer and it metastasized to many other organs in both of them. They both had massive surgery to evacuate all of the organs that could be taken out and pieces of organs that can't (rectum, intestines, liver, you catch my drift).

My family was fortunate enough to have the BEST gynecological oncologist in the entire world: Dr. Stephen Andrews. (Who now resides as a big wig at The Ohio State University Hopsital)! (You go Dr. Andrews! Thank you for all of your hard work and effort into saving my family! I will never forget you or your staff and I love you with all of my heart. I can never say thank you enough for the extra time that you gave us with our loved ones!)

However, many other women and men are inflicted with this terrible disease every day and it is found too late and there is no cure... not yet!!

I know that sometime in my lifetime there will be a cure. If I am so unlucky and get this disease then I want there to be as many options as possible... as I am sure most anyone would when faced with this situation.

Whatever anyone can do to raise awareness helps. I love doing the Ovarian Cancer Walk!! Love it!! This year I went to the walk and fundraised before and I raised $80. $80 doesn't seem like much but it is more than they had before!! $80 probably wont find a cure but it's $80 to add to someone else's $80 and so on until we have raised enough to learn all we can and do all we can!

Cancer is one of my favorite fundraising causes and it means so much to me when I see other people raising money for these charities that support a cure too!!

Remember: Cancer is a word, not a sentence!

September 12, 2009

It's Been Rough Lately.

I have not stopped thinking about John lately. I don't know what it is but it just keeps getting harder and harder to get over him. I can't pretend he wasn't part of my life in a major way but I wish I could at least not think about his 23/7.

Does he think of me?
Is he happy with his new girlfriend?
How's his liver?
Does he take his meds anymore?
Does he even need his meds anymore?
What are his doctors saying?
Did he keep any of the things I gave him?
How's he holding up?
Am I the only one struggling to move on?

There are so many questions running through my mind and it is so hard to answer them. I feel like a lot of the relationship was a lie on his part so I don't feel like I can answer those questions.

Everyone always said it would only get easier every day and it hasn't. It's gotten worse.

A couple new changes: My tattoo has healed and I love it! (I'll have to put a picture of the final/ healed . I got my ear's pierced (I am shocked that I did this... I'll have to post pictures of all of this stuff) and my new glasses which no one has seen yet (at least no one that reads this blog).

Well I will be in and out until I really move on and get better. Hopefully people are right and it does get easier ... maybe it wont be by day... maybe by months but I'll keep ya'll posted.

September 4, 2009


I have been absent lately... not a big deal but I felt like I should post another post.

I have started school... actually I startd 2 weeks ago but anyways... it's okay... school is school.

I have been having a hard time lately with the whole John thing. I think it's because he was always my support when we were in school and now I don't have anyone.

I have been talking to a lot of people (family and friends) and I think that we have decided that eHamony or match.com would be a good idea for me. I'd only do it for a few months and if nothing happens than just find alternate routes to finding the right guy for me.

I know I will find someone special someday. Right now I'm still getting over the fact that I thought I already has that someone special.

Oh well life moves on.

More later.

August 17, 2009


So I went to the doctor today and let me tell you something... I am SHOCKED... hence the title of this post.

Lets begin with a mini history... I have the circulation of an 85 year old... no offense to all of you 85 year olds out there but the truth is you dont have very good circulation... but I'm in that boat with you!! Anyways. No one, (read: the one doctor that I have gone to in 2003), can figure out why this is.

So anyways I go to him today (read: 30 minute wait, 5 minute appt.), and he does nothing. He figured it would get worse... =O

He orders a venous reflux scan (which I have had before)... Here before I waste my time and money please let me tell you what those results will be... Negative! I don't have reflux... If I had reflux I would have better circulation than an 85 year old... like really?? Really??

Okay moving on... I'll also order some compression stockings (you know those tight knee highs that all the older people wear with shorts, yup, those) and those should help. Well, we've tried that before, just like we've tried the scan and those only aggravate the problem!

Frickin Fantastic! Really! I'm thrilled (read: pissed) that this is your conclusion!

I was in shock. He is doing everything that I have been doing for the past 6 years all over again... I could just cry... I would prefer them to amputate my legs. I would be so happy and I wouldnt have to deal with this pain day in and out. I already have enough things to worry about... I would just like an answer after 6 years!!

August 8, 2009

More Info on the Tattoo!

After I posted the last picture I thought... maybe you should have explained that a little better... so here goes.

The tattoo is an ovarian cancer ribbon and the years are the years that both my sister ('02) and mom ('05) were diagnosed. It is on my stomach and it is over my left ovary because that is the ovary that all three of us girls have/ had trouble with. Always the left side... weird... I guess genetics is funny like that.

It is finally starting the final stage of the healing process and it ITCHES SO MUCH!!

I just want it to stop itching. No amount of lotion or Benadryl will make it stop. I am a little leary of putting my Benadryl cream on it... I don't want something to happen to the color. I think I will post another picture after it is completely done peeling and is super pretty. It looks even better now than yesterday!!

I am so excited I got it done but I have to say that is the only one I can ever get! I never expected it to hurt as much as it did but I was a trooper and didn't cry or scream or fidget and I went by myself!!

I give MAJOR kudos to the people who have more than 1 tattoo! I wish I was that brave because I can think of a few more things I would love to get a tattoo of!

Oh well, hope ya'll like it!

August 6, 2009


This is the Tattoo (I have no idea how to turn pictures so sorry if you sprain your neck looking!):