New Post... Finally

Well, the month mark has come and gone. I am better. On the outside. I make it seem like I have moved on and actually some days I feel I have.

I can't lie though. My heart still hurts everyday and every time my phone rings my heart gets happy for a minute thinking it could be him. I don't know when these things will pass but I hope its sooner rather than later.

I'm sick of feeling sad inside and faking happiness on the outside.

I want to be happy again.

I do have good days and I expect the bad days.

I have started to wear makeup and I bought a new pair of glasses (which I love and make me extremely happy, most of the time)!

I feel like there is not enough retail therapy in the world for me and I just cant seem to even move on in my mind. People tell me to get engrossed with something else. Work. Friends. Hobbies.

Well, I don't know what else I can do I go out about 2 times a week with my friends. Golf 1 time a week and work 4 12 hour shifts. I don't have much time for much else but even when I am so busy, I still feel him in my heart. I guess he'll always be there and I just have to move on with that weight on my heart but maybe, even with the weight there, I will be able to move on and be happy again.

Medical wise: still doing bad. Swelling is spreading. Headaches have decreased. Tremors have increased. Spine pain is through the roof. And I feel like I have 10 kidney stones. Shit. Oh well, thank God I have had pain for 3/4 of my life and can get through that otherwise I might be even more of a wreck than I am now!