I just want to crawl in a corner and sleep and cry and be non-existent for a few days.

The last appointment we had with the doctor's went really well and I'm happy that the AST and ALT numbers went down, even is it was only by 3. But, they aren't looking for a liver for him anymore. No more pager that is going to beep when they have a possible liver/ donor. No more waking up in the middle of the night to run to the hospital to get prepped for the surgery that might save his life. No more waiting around until his doctor's call us to tell us they've "done all they can". Our lives are empty now.

That might seem weird. Why would someone want to sit around and just wait for all these things to happen. Because, we want him to live. I wanted a long life with him now I'm getting the "stuff 80 years worth of life into the 20 he has left" life. That isn't what I wanted. I would never break up with him over a stupid liver but it makes it hard and now that I know he wont get his liver for a while longer, I just want to stop caring and sit in a corner and cry.

I realize the doctors have their reasonings for not giving him his liver. But I also just realized, like right before I started typing this post, that their reason is because he is such a hard match and by the time he would get a liver that was the right size and the right match that he would be dead. I can't even ask people to get tested to see if they are a match for him. The entire process is over, ended, our hard work, shot.

I feel like crawling into a corner and sleeping and crying. A lot.

Stupid liver.