What an awful ailment. I feel bad for my patients when they can't sleep and I just pray that they will eventually be able to sleep enough to heal. Well, I have just joined the ranks of my patients. I cannot sleep and according to the tally in my status line... This is precious, sleepless night #5.
I love sleep. I have always loved sleep and for the past 5 days (including tonight) I have not been able to spend time with one of the things I so dearly love. The stress from everything is overwhelming and I literally, constantly feel like I am going to be constantly sick or cry.
The stress that everything is putting on me has put the biggest strain on John and I's relationship. (That make's me want to cry to, but hey, crying never solved anything). Anyways, I miss John right now, and that seems weird because he is only 10 minutes away but he is leaving this summer for 4 months and I would love to spend every waking moment I have with him that I can so I don't forget his smell and his smile and stupid little things that mean the most.
I never thought stress could keep me up. Before this little stint without sleep, stress always put me to sleep, knocked me out cold. (Except for this one time when it kept me up and was so bad I got an ulcer and didn't sleep for about 3 weeks and had to be hospitalized. That's a whole other story though.)
I know school puts a lot of stress on people and it is hard to balance everything and I know that health issues cause a lot of stress and that is hard to balance everything with that, because in all reality, living comes first. I just know that it's a lot of stress right now and I always worry but for the first time, in a long time, I am worried about John and I as a couple. I realize that couples go through tiffs and really difficult times but this is different. I don't even feel like I am with the same person and he is SO distant like never before and I have this ache in the pit of myself that just screams that we aren't meant to be and I don't know what to make of all of it. (I wish I had some sleep in me to help me concentrate and think clearer.)
This is going to be a very long night of thinking. Thinking about John and I. Thinking about school. Thinking about health issues. Thinking about John moving away (by the way I hate long distance anything). And I will be thinking about the last year and a half that I feel I have wasted looking for a diagnosis that John isn't even willing to fight.
I just need someone to tell me it will be alright and that John is going to be better and that I will be okay too. I need someone to tell me that I didn't just waste the last year and a half of my life. And I need to hear that we will come out of this, together. Maybe it is true, maybe not. I don't know what the future holds (of course, no one does). But I would like it to hurry up and get here so I can see where it is taking me. Because, really, that's the only place I really want to be right now.
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I wish I could tell you that John will be ok :( As for the long distance thing, that sucks too. If you both feel that you are meant to be, it will all work out. My husband was gone A LOT last year and it truly was awful having him gone. We made it though! It's not always easy or fun, but if it's meant to be, you'll be fine.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get some sleep soon and that some of the stress goes away for you.