Well. It's been a long couple of days.
I haven't slept or ate anything for about 4 days now. I feel like shit but every time I try to eat I just get sick so it's not really worth doing.
Anyways, Monday night, so 2 days ago. John and I ended our relationship. It's no longer a break. It's a true break up. There was crying and screaming and he just wanted to get it over with.
As far as I know and from what I have heard from reliable sources (very reliable) there is another girl in the picture. I guess that's the worst part. I couldn't be good enough for him.
I guess I realize that some day I will move on again but right now I am stuck in a deep deep deep rut that is trapping me and wont let me out. I feel like I need to talk to him one more time and get closure. I don't know how to talk to him anymore though. I need him to understand that I am hurting and he shattered every part of me for a while. I need him to understand what he did is his fault and not mine. I also want to write his parents notes and thank them for everything while we were together.
It's rather difficult working through this in my head and I miss part of having a boyfriend where I had someone to cuddle with and to talk to and to kiss goodnight. I would love to have that again someday but from how I feel now I am worried that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.
I don't know what to do! I'm just in limbo land. And heartbroken.
June 17, 2009
June 12, 2009
devestated
i am devestated.
i am sick to my stomach. i can't sleep.
i packed up all of john's things. my room is so empty with out all his stuff in it.
im not giving up. i know it seems like it but i havent given up just yet. not until he tells me its over.
im giving him his space and time. im not calling him even though i would love to hear his voice.
i guess there is good news to report. before he told me we were going on a "break" we got his labs drawn for his liver appointment on monday. his labs were so low from what they have been. i was so happy until about 1 minute later when john told me what he came down to toledo to tell me.
my world is shattered right now. thank you to everyone for your support. i really do appreciate all of it even though i dont always show it.
if you need me ill be the one in the corner. trying to cry. still.
i am sick to my stomach. i can't sleep.
i packed up all of john's things. my room is so empty with out all his stuff in it.
im not giving up. i know it seems like it but i havent given up just yet. not until he tells me its over.
im giving him his space and time. im not calling him even though i would love to hear his voice.
i guess there is good news to report. before he told me we were going on a "break" we got his labs drawn for his liver appointment on monday. his labs were so low from what they have been. i was so happy until about 1 minute later when john told me what he came down to toledo to tell me.
my world is shattered right now. thank you to everyone for your support. i really do appreciate all of it even though i dont always show it.
if you need me ill be the one in the corner. trying to cry. still.
Break Time
Yeah. It finally happened.
John and I are on a "break" which in all experiences, both personal and with my friends, means that we "broke up".
He came into town today just to tell me. He didn't give me reason and at the time I didnt want one but now I do and I want him back and I need him back and I know he isn't coming back and my heart is absolutely broken into a zillion pieces.
I get it why they call it a break because everything in you breaks and falls to pieces. Pieces that are too small to put back together and even find.
I don't know what to do I have to erase him from my life now and everything I have and everything I do reminds me of him!
I have to get rid of the albums of pictures we have and the clothes that I stole/ borrowed from him and make it known on my blog and Facebook that we broke up.
Everything hurts so bad right now. I just want to cry but I cant because even if I try to just let the tears flow they refuse.
I feel like my life has ended and I don't know how to pick the pieces back up and try again.
I know I have people in my life that still love me but he was the one for me and now I am having the toughest time trying to start again and live life again. I am just plain heartbroken and I don't know how to heal anymore. For all my medical issues I take meds, I dont have meds for a broken heart and time isn't helping, no matter how hard I try to ignore it or sift through it in my head I still don't get it and that is the worst part, not understand where it all went wrong.
John and I are on a "break" which in all experiences, both personal and with my friends, means that we "broke up".
He came into town today just to tell me. He didn't give me reason and at the time I didnt want one but now I do and I want him back and I need him back and I know he isn't coming back and my heart is absolutely broken into a zillion pieces.
I get it why they call it a break because everything in you breaks and falls to pieces. Pieces that are too small to put back together and even find.
I don't know what to do I have to erase him from my life now and everything I have and everything I do reminds me of him!
I have to get rid of the albums of pictures we have and the clothes that I stole/ borrowed from him and make it known on my blog and Facebook that we broke up.
Everything hurts so bad right now. I just want to cry but I cant because even if I try to just let the tears flow they refuse.
I feel like my life has ended and I don't know how to pick the pieces back up and try again.
I know I have people in my life that still love me but he was the one for me and now I am having the toughest time trying to start again and live life again. I am just plain heartbroken and I don't know how to heal anymore. For all my medical issues I take meds, I dont have meds for a broken heart and time isn't helping, no matter how hard I try to ignore it or sift through it in my head I still don't get it and that is the worst part, not understand where it all went wrong.
June 9, 2009
So I just found this out!
This is so cool! I just found this on my blogger friend, Jessica's blog!
Kelly Ripa, and this one washer/dryer brand are raising money for ovarian cancer research!
HOW COOL!!!
Now, I am not being sarcastic when I say that I really think it is cool! I am sorry to any this may offend but I think breast cancer gets too much publicity and they get all the fundraising opportunities! I understand that it is a huge cancer in women however, more women die from other cancers, such as ovarian cancer.
My mother and my sister both had ovarian cancer. My sister was diagnosed at age 17 (the youngest age ever in Toledo, OH history)! My mom was diagnosed on Thanksgiving 2005. She was 53.
I love my mom and sister so much and I love that people are reaching out for this terrible disease and trying to help people who are affected by it! I know my family was, twice, and we will never be the same. It is a very difficult diagnosis. It has a poor survival rate and even if you do survive you will have to have a hysterectomy and then will not be able to have kids of your own (sometimes people think that is worse than death!)
Anyways I wish I knew how to link to Jessica's blog and to this lemonade stand and all the other sites I know that are trying to raise money for this awful disease! But I am a novice at the computer stuff and have no idea how to even begin doing that. Anyways, go to Google and look all this stuff up and open a lemonade stand and give LOTS and LOTS o' money to them!
Thank you Jessica for letting everyone know about this stuff! This is GREAT!
Kelly Ripa, and this one washer/dryer brand are raising money for ovarian cancer research!
HOW COOL!!!
Now, I am not being sarcastic when I say that I really think it is cool! I am sorry to any this may offend but I think breast cancer gets too much publicity and they get all the fundraising opportunities! I understand that it is a huge cancer in women however, more women die from other cancers, such as ovarian cancer.
My mother and my sister both had ovarian cancer. My sister was diagnosed at age 17 (the youngest age ever in Toledo, OH history)! My mom was diagnosed on Thanksgiving 2005. She was 53.
I love my mom and sister so much and I love that people are reaching out for this terrible disease and trying to help people who are affected by it! I know my family was, twice, and we will never be the same. It is a very difficult diagnosis. It has a poor survival rate and even if you do survive you will have to have a hysterectomy and then will not be able to have kids of your own (sometimes people think that is worse than death!)
Anyways I wish I knew how to link to Jessica's blog and to this lemonade stand and all the other sites I know that are trying to raise money for this awful disease! But I am a novice at the computer stuff and have no idea how to even begin doing that. Anyways, go to Google and look all this stuff up and open a lemonade stand and give LOTS and LOTS o' money to them!
Thank you Jessica for letting everyone know about this stuff! This is GREAT!
June 4, 2009
Tired
I don't feel like posting. My laundry is sitting in the washer. Done. Wet. Probably getting mildew-y. Oh well.
I'm tired of this summer. I want to be back in school. I want John to come home. I want John's liver to be fixed. I want all this liver shit to be over with.
John hasn't talked to me in a while but when he did he told me he feels terrible and looks worse. I haven't seen him in about 1 month so I have no idea what he looks like and I can't see it over the webcam (especially because we aren't using Skype anymore).
He is getting all the classic symptoms of liver failure (like he had at the beginning of all of this) and I can only imagine it is getting a lot worse. I would really like to know what his labs are but he is getting it done at a different hospital (back in Chelsea) so I wont get to see the results and since he had to reschedule his appointment I can't go to that either. We were going to talk to her about his hernia and maybe getting some more meds for his liver. I was very excited to go. I didn't schedule work on that day because of it and now he rescheduled it for a day I have to work.
I am completely bummed by this entire summer. Hopefully it starts getting better and I hope John starts getting better too!
I'm tired of this summer. I want to be back in school. I want John to come home. I want John's liver to be fixed. I want all this liver shit to be over with.
John hasn't talked to me in a while but when he did he told me he feels terrible and looks worse. I haven't seen him in about 1 month so I have no idea what he looks like and I can't see it over the webcam (especially because we aren't using Skype anymore).
He is getting all the classic symptoms of liver failure (like he had at the beginning of all of this) and I can only imagine it is getting a lot worse. I would really like to know what his labs are but he is getting it done at a different hospital (back in Chelsea) so I wont get to see the results and since he had to reschedule his appointment I can't go to that either. We were going to talk to her about his hernia and maybe getting some more meds for his liver. I was very excited to go. I didn't schedule work on that day because of it and now he rescheduled it for a day I have to work.
I am completely bummed by this entire summer. Hopefully it starts getting better and I hope John starts getting better too!
June 2, 2009
Update
Well this next sage/ year in my life has started off terrible. Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 22 years old and I guess it is double numbers b/c 22 has started off terrible and 11 was an awful year for me too!
I am not going into details. Not right now anyways. I work the next 4 days and I already would like to just die because of it. 4 12 hour shifts is never fun especially when you have to lift patients and wipe asses all day. Sorry that was rude. I do like my job it's just that I am very on edge right now and I can't get over this terrible angry-ness (not a word probably I know) that I have.
Oh well maybe it will be okay at work this week and I wont want to die andd quit. Hopefully.
Sorry for the terrible post. I just had to get it off my chest.
J
I am not going into details. Not right now anyways. I work the next 4 days and I already would like to just die because of it. 4 12 hour shifts is never fun especially when you have to lift patients and wipe asses all day. Sorry that was rude. I do like my job it's just that I am very on edge right now and I can't get over this terrible angry-ness (not a word probably I know) that I have.
Oh well maybe it will be okay at work this week and I wont want to die andd quit. Hopefully.
Sorry for the terrible post. I just had to get it off my chest.
J
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