What an awful ailment. I feel bad for my patients when they can't sleep and I just pray that they will eventually be able to sleep enough to heal. Well, I have just joined the ranks of my patients. I cannot sleep and according to the tally in my status line... This is precious, sleepless night #5.
I love sleep. I have always loved sleep and for the past 5 days (including tonight) I have not been able to spend time with one of the things I so dearly love. The stress from everything is overwhelming and I literally, constantly feel like I am going to be constantly sick or cry.
The stress that everything is putting on me has put the biggest strain on John and I's relationship. (That make's me want to cry to, but hey, crying never solved anything). Anyways, I miss John right now, and that seems weird because he is only 10 minutes away but he is leaving this summer for 4 months and I would love to spend every waking moment I have with him that I can so I don't forget his smell and his smile and stupid little things that mean the most.
I never thought stress could keep me up. Before this little stint without sleep, stress always put me to sleep, knocked me out cold. (Except for this one time when it kept me up and was so bad I got an ulcer and didn't sleep for about 3 weeks and had to be hospitalized. That's a whole other story though.)
I know school puts a lot of stress on people and it is hard to balance everything and I know that health issues cause a lot of stress and that is hard to balance everything with that, because in all reality, living comes first. I just know that it's a lot of stress right now and I always worry but for the first time, in a long time, I am worried about John and I as a couple. I realize that couples go through tiffs and really difficult times but this is different. I don't even feel like I am with the same person and he is SO distant like never before and I have this ache in the pit of myself that just screams that we aren't meant to be and I don't know what to make of all of it. (I wish I had some sleep in me to help me concentrate and think clearer.)
This is going to be a very long night of thinking. Thinking about John and I. Thinking about school. Thinking about health issues. Thinking about John moving away (by the way I hate long distance anything). And I will be thinking about the last year and a half that I feel I have wasted looking for a diagnosis that John isn't even willing to fight.
I just need someone to tell me it will be alright and that John is going to be better and that I will be okay too. I need someone to tell me that I didn't just waste the last year and a half of my life. And I need to hear that we will come out of this, together. Maybe it is true, maybe not. I don't know what the future holds (of course, no one does). But I would like it to hurry up and get here so I can see where it is taking me. Because, really, that's the only place I really want to be right now.
April 28, 2009
April 26, 2009
It's Time for An Update!
Jeez. I feel like I haven't updated this thing in a while! For a while I forgot about the blog and then for another while I couldn't decide if I had anything to write!
Well, something finally sparked my interest (on Thursday) and I have been thinking about it ever since and I think I finally have something to write... Not very interesting but I will finally write about it!
So, the sparker of interest? Private Practice of course! (This was the first time I had watched an episode of this show!)
So Addison and some cute guy with dialogue:
Cute Guy: "So you want to take the heart to save two people?"
Addison: "Why don't you like transplants?"
Cute Guy: "I like transplants. I hate waiting though."
Addison: "Oh, so it's the sit and wait."
Cute Guy: "Yeah."
Addison: "And it's the not being in control of it."
Cute Guy: "Yeah. And it's the hoping someone else will die so I can get my organ too."
Well, the cute guy has it ALL right!! (He's a doctor, a heart surgeon and they are waiting for a heart for this lady who is pregnant. Yada Yada. I wont explain the whole show but the lady finally gets the heart.)
Anyways back to the genius doctor and script writers! Even though we are no longer waiting for an organ there is a part of us that wont ever let go to that! We will always want to find a liver for him, give him a chance at a longer, healthier, happier life.
I can't stand sitting and waiting, and I can't stand not being in control and having to take a back seat to all of this maddness! (Just like the doctor feels)! I am not a patient person, unless I'm on the golf course, and I hate not being in control. Now, I'm not in control of a lot of things in my life but some of them I am and when I am not in control I feel helpless. I want SO BAD to be able to just walk into Life Connections and ask them for a pager and put John back on the list.
And then we get to the last thing that makes me connect so much with the cute doctor guy. I hate waiting around for someone to die to give John a liver. And there are criteria, you can't die in a trauma and your entire liver has to be healthy. You can't have a history of drinking or a large history of smoking. You have to be a certain weight and height and be dead for only a short amount of time with enough brain activity to keep the blood flowing to the organ. There are other stipulations to give your organs after you die, especially all the vitals like liver, heart, kidneys, and lungs.
I am a disgusting person for wishing someone would die to give John their liver. I am disgusting person because when we are out in public I size people up to try to decide if their liver would work, and if they would be a good candidate for liver transplant. I really am not a bad person, I know their family would miss them, but I know I would miss John so much that it would hurt to bad to continue on. It hurts me so much that we don't get as much time as we should have gotten. It hurts me so much that the only person I ever truly cared about and loved is dying and I can't do anything else.
It's sad and it hurts. This is my life. Everyday. I don't regret anything in my life so I do not regret any of this. I will regret everyday of my life when John dies and I am left alone. I know I will not be able to move on and I know that I will then be alone for the rest of my life and I am okay with that because all I want is John.
Well, something finally sparked my interest (on Thursday) and I have been thinking about it ever since and I think I finally have something to write... Not very interesting but I will finally write about it!
So, the sparker of interest? Private Practice of course! (This was the first time I had watched an episode of this show!)
So Addison and some cute guy with dialogue:
Cute Guy: "So you want to take the heart to save two people?"
Addison: "Why don't you like transplants?"
Cute Guy: "I like transplants. I hate waiting though."
Addison: "Oh, so it's the sit and wait."
Cute Guy: "Yeah."
Addison: "And it's the not being in control of it."
Cute Guy: "Yeah. And it's the hoping someone else will die so I can get my organ too."
Well, the cute guy has it ALL right!! (He's a doctor, a heart surgeon and they are waiting for a heart for this lady who is pregnant. Yada Yada. I wont explain the whole show but the lady finally gets the heart.)
Anyways back to the genius doctor and script writers! Even though we are no longer waiting for an organ there is a part of us that wont ever let go to that! We will always want to find a liver for him, give him a chance at a longer, healthier, happier life.
I can't stand sitting and waiting, and I can't stand not being in control and having to take a back seat to all of this maddness! (Just like the doctor feels)! I am not a patient person, unless I'm on the golf course, and I hate not being in control. Now, I'm not in control of a lot of things in my life but some of them I am and when I am not in control I feel helpless. I want SO BAD to be able to just walk into Life Connections and ask them for a pager and put John back on the list.
And then we get to the last thing that makes me connect so much with the cute doctor guy. I hate waiting around for someone to die to give John a liver. And there are criteria, you can't die in a trauma and your entire liver has to be healthy. You can't have a history of drinking or a large history of smoking. You have to be a certain weight and height and be dead for only a short amount of time with enough brain activity to keep the blood flowing to the organ. There are other stipulations to give your organs after you die, especially all the vitals like liver, heart, kidneys, and lungs.
I am a disgusting person for wishing someone would die to give John their liver. I am disgusting person because when we are out in public I size people up to try to decide if their liver would work, and if they would be a good candidate for liver transplant. I really am not a bad person, I know their family would miss them, but I know I would miss John so much that it would hurt to bad to continue on. It hurts me so much that we don't get as much time as we should have gotten. It hurts me so much that the only person I ever truly cared about and loved is dying and I can't do anything else.
It's sad and it hurts. This is my life. Everyday. I don't regret anything in my life so I do not regret any of this. I will regret everyday of my life when John dies and I am left alone. I know I will not be able to move on and I know that I will then be alone for the rest of my life and I am okay with that because all I want is John.
April 22, 2009
Mud Hens and Maybe my New Favorite Object
So John and I finally made it to the Mud Hens tonight! It was COLD! But so much fun... pictures later I'm sure! The only reason we went is because Joel Zumaya was pitching tonight! Joel is definately John's favorite Tiger and he loves wathcing him pitch. He is on rehab so couldn't put out his normal numbers of 101 mph and over! (His max was 94... I thought it was still good... John didn't)
Anyways! As all/most of you know, today is Earth Day (Happy B-Day Earth) and in honor of this day we celebrate the grass and trees and everything else I am allergic to that grows, The Mud Hens establishment was giving out those new recycled bags (whatever they are actually) I'm not sure what they are but I know they are made of recycled materials... I'm pretty sure! They have the Hens logo on it and I wasn't too excited to get one because I really don't like them but then I got it and maybe coupled with the fact that it was free... I LOVE THOSE BAGS!! I just love it... I love the feel of it... I love the look of it (especially since it has the Hens logo) and I REALLY hope that they hold a lot of stuff and don't rip because I really am excited about it!!
I want to use it for everything!! SO EXCITED! (It's weird that I got so excited over a bag... but maybe in a day or two it will wear off!)
More later (maybe some pictures)
J+J
Anyways! As all/most of you know, today is Earth Day (Happy B-Day Earth) and in honor of this day we celebrate the grass and trees and everything else I am allergic to that grows, The Mud Hens establishment was giving out those new recycled bags (whatever they are actually) I'm not sure what they are but I know they are made of recycled materials... I'm pretty sure! They have the Hens logo on it and I wasn't too excited to get one because I really don't like them but then I got it and maybe coupled with the fact that it was free... I LOVE THOSE BAGS!! I just love it... I love the feel of it... I love the look of it (especially since it has the Hens logo) and I REALLY hope that they hold a lot of stuff and don't rip because I really am excited about it!!
I want to use it for everything!! SO EXCITED! (It's weird that I got so excited over a bag... but maybe in a day or two it will wear off!)
More later (maybe some pictures)
J+J
April 20, 2009
Life is kicking my ass
Life is literally kicking me repeatedly. I cannot seem to get out from under the furious kicking and I am down... I'm down hard! I thought you weren't supposed to kick people when they are down... huh life huh? Why are you breaking all the rules!?
John's stool sample hasn't been set yet b/c John is no longer producing stool... or urine for that matter. His ascites is coming back and it is gross! I have lost weight (which is good b/c I am overweight) but other than that no good news on the home front.
I am stretched so thin and so tired that it has become hard to walk and move my extremities because of the fatigue. John is constantly fatigued b/c that is a HUGE side effect of liver failure. And, without a stool sample we will never figure out if it is liver or just plain GI tract!
I need a massage! BAD!! (But who doesn't, right!?) I just want to collapse and I thought that this week would fly by but today has gone so slow that I can't even imagine living through this week if it continues on the same path!
On another note... my sister... my 24 year old sister just moved back in with us! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! My sister is a liar and I am not saying that to be mean she has a fetish with lying... she lies about her friends, her work, her income, her friends weddings that somehow get cancelled at the last second... hmmm... anyways the main point of all of this is that I have to vent about how much she gets on my nerves with lying! If there is one thing I hate in this world it is lying and especially living with a liar!! AHHHHHHHH!!
Oh well, I do think that out of all of them this is my most random post I have had since starting this blog... maybe it's tied with some of the others! Anyways... I'm sure there will be more at a later date!
J+J
John's stool sample hasn't been set yet b/c John is no longer producing stool... or urine for that matter. His ascites is coming back and it is gross! I have lost weight (which is good b/c I am overweight) but other than that no good news on the home front.
I am stretched so thin and so tired that it has become hard to walk and move my extremities because of the fatigue. John is constantly fatigued b/c that is a HUGE side effect of liver failure. And, without a stool sample we will never figure out if it is liver or just plain GI tract!
I need a massage! BAD!! (But who doesn't, right!?) I just want to collapse and I thought that this week would fly by but today has gone so slow that I can't even imagine living through this week if it continues on the same path!
On another note... my sister... my 24 year old sister just moved back in with us! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! My sister is a liar and I am not saying that to be mean she has a fetish with lying... she lies about her friends, her work, her income, her friends weddings that somehow get cancelled at the last second... hmmm... anyways the main point of all of this is that I have to vent about how much she gets on my nerves with lying! If there is one thing I hate in this world it is lying and especially living with a liar!! AHHHHHHHH!!
Oh well, I do think that out of all of them this is my most random post I have had since starting this blog... maybe it's tied with some of the others! Anyways... I'm sure there will be more at a later date!
J+J
April 16, 2009
3 more weeks!
There is only 3 more weeks of school... and 1 of them is finals week!! This is all very exciting and yet the end of school signifies the end of my lazy work days.
I hardly work during school and I love my job and will eventually get back in the swing of things but I really wish money grew on trees so I didn't have to go back! I would much rather relax!
John might be moving back to Chelsea! Which is actually really terrible news because 1) I am not leaving Toledo, 2) I have a really hard time when I don't get to see him often, and 3) His doctors are all here in Toledo and it would be a mess to switch all that back and forth.
He applied for 3 jobs yesterday and said he would keep applying for more so everyone please keep your fingers crossed for him so that he doesn't have to leave!
Anyways I sadly have to do A LOT of homework tonight and must get started or I will never finish!
More later
J+J
I hardly work during school and I love my job and will eventually get back in the swing of things but I really wish money grew on trees so I didn't have to go back! I would much rather relax!
John might be moving back to Chelsea! Which is actually really terrible news because 1) I am not leaving Toledo, 2) I have a really hard time when I don't get to see him often, and 3) His doctors are all here in Toledo and it would be a mess to switch all that back and forth.
He applied for 3 jobs yesterday and said he would keep applying for more so everyone please keep your fingers crossed for him so that he doesn't have to leave!
Anyways I sadly have to do A LOT of homework tonight and must get started or I will never finish!
More later
J+J
April 14, 2009
I feel so stressed... and happy
I am so stressed out right now I just want to scream and kick my feet... like a little child's tantrum and sometimes I have little clips flip through my head of what that would look like and it isn't pretty... so I refrain... and digress...
John got back in town on Sunday and it has been nonstop from then... Not just becuase of him... Obviously I'm busy with college and will be stressed about it until I graduate so that's not a biggy... just stressed and gonna get some serious stress ulcers by my next birthday (which is in like a month and a half!).
I am SO happy though which makes all my stress seem so small... The doctor (I guess she is a nurse practitioner, but just as smart as a doctor so we shall call her such) called us today. She was in the hospital with her other patients on Friday helping all of them and she didn't get John's phone message/ call until today. INSTANTLY called him this morning and said I am ordering a stool sample. THANK GOD! John's bowel issues ( I think I mentioned them last post) have not really gotten any better. He likes to tell me that the bilirubin is trying to make a come back into his stool but the way he says it makes me almost 100% positive that he is just saying it to try to calm my nerves (which I appreciate).
Anywho, at least we have something ordered!! =D
So, I go to the hospital today and get the stuff you need to get a stool sample... which is actually a lot more stuff than I expected (a "hat", a "popsicle stick", 2 specimen cups, and a paper bag, name tags and time tags). So lets just say I get it home and am so ready to get him to do this so we can turn it in and be DONE! and get results!!
So, as I was saying, I get home with all these supplies and I am told by John and my parents (who are the be all end all of health issues) and they inform me that I have to wait for the orders to come in the mail to see how many samples we need and how much for each sample! =(
I WANT AN ANSWER!! NOW!! I'll make John give 20 samples just so we are good and have enough then turn them in and tell them to run every test they can... I don't care if that is illegal. I WANT AN ANSWER!!
Oh well, I wait for now. I am still happy that they got something ordered!
John got back in town on Sunday and it has been nonstop from then... Not just becuase of him... Obviously I'm busy with college and will be stressed about it until I graduate so that's not a biggy... just stressed and gonna get some serious stress ulcers by my next birthday (which is in like a month and a half!).
I am SO happy though which makes all my stress seem so small... The doctor (I guess she is a nurse practitioner, but just as smart as a doctor so we shall call her such) called us today. She was in the hospital with her other patients on Friday helping all of them and she didn't get John's phone message/ call until today. INSTANTLY called him this morning and said I am ordering a stool sample. THANK GOD! John's bowel issues ( I think I mentioned them last post) have not really gotten any better. He likes to tell me that the bilirubin is trying to make a come back into his stool but the way he says it makes me almost 100% positive that he is just saying it to try to calm my nerves (which I appreciate).
Anywho, at least we have something ordered!! =D
So, I go to the hospital today and get the stuff you need to get a stool sample... which is actually a lot more stuff than I expected (a "hat", a "popsicle stick", 2 specimen cups, and a paper bag, name tags and time tags). So lets just say I get it home and am so ready to get him to do this so we can turn it in and be DONE! and get results!!
So, as I was saying, I get home with all these supplies and I am told by John and my parents (who are the be all end all of health issues) and they inform me that I have to wait for the orders to come in the mail to see how many samples we need and how much for each sample! =(
I WANT AN ANSWER!! NOW!! I'll make John give 20 samples just so we are good and have enough then turn them in and tell them to run every test they can... I don't care if that is illegal. I WANT AN ANSWER!!
Oh well, I wait for now. I am still happy that they got something ordered!
April 10, 2009
I HATE HEALTH ISSUES!
I hate people being sick. I know a ton of people who are sick. I work in a hospital. I love taking care of sick people and making them better. I do not like the fact that my best friend/ significant other is sick... all. the. time.
He is still having all the problems that he had last post and he finally decides to call his GI doc/ nurse practitioner. Well, we got to talk to Patricia's assistant. Oh goody, because Patricia is at the hospital all day with all her other dying patients! Cool! So her assistant says, call your PCP (primary care physician) and see if there is a bug going around!!
WHAT!!!????!!!????!!!!????!!!???!!!?!?!?!?!
I am in SHOCK right now!!
She said she would write it down for Patricia to see and if Pat thought it was serious she would call... John is going home this weekend and wont be able to come in if it is an emergency!
HELLO ASSISTANT!! Seriously is she new? He is holding in ALL of his bilirubin!! ALL OF IT!! His liver is only gonna die quicker now stupid! His eyes are disgusting yellow like they never have been and his skin looks as bad as ever!! We have talked to her assistant once before and she was so nice and this time she just brushes him off like he is gonna live... AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
I dont get it. I really dont. Even I know something isn't right and I'm not a doctor/ nurse practitioner/ assistant!
I hope John makes it through this weekend without crashing. I hope his liver starts to filter and he stops holding in all that bili. PLEASE let him be okay!! PLEASE!!
He is still having all the problems that he had last post and he finally decides to call his GI doc/ nurse practitioner. Well, we got to talk to Patricia's assistant. Oh goody, because Patricia is at the hospital all day with all her other dying patients! Cool! So her assistant says, call your PCP (primary care physician) and see if there is a bug going around!!
WHAT!!!????!!!????!!!!????!!!???!!!?!?!?!?!
I am in SHOCK right now!!
She said she would write it down for Patricia to see and if Pat thought it was serious she would call... John is going home this weekend and wont be able to come in if it is an emergency!
HELLO ASSISTANT!! Seriously is she new? He is holding in ALL of his bilirubin!! ALL OF IT!! His liver is only gonna die quicker now stupid! His eyes are disgusting yellow like they never have been and his skin looks as bad as ever!! We have talked to her assistant once before and she was so nice and this time she just brushes him off like he is gonna live... AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
I dont get it. I really dont. Even I know something isn't right and I'm not a doctor/ nurse practitioner/ assistant!
I hope John makes it through this weekend without crashing. I hope his liver starts to filter and he stops holding in all that bili. PLEASE let him be okay!! PLEASE!!
April 8, 2009
Update
I guess it is time for an update!
John and I are back on track, like much better than before. This fight definately helped and now we are back to we were when we first started dating, which is fabulous!
However, on another note, John isn't getting any better. His GERD is as bad as when he first got it. His meds aren't working anymore. His probiotic pill thing isn't working. He is having clear/ light yellow stool (which might be too much info, I know), but that is never good news because the bilirubin in our bodies is what makes out feces and urine the darker color. So, having lighter colors for those means he is holding in ALL of his bilirubin! THAT'S BAD NEWS!!
On the other hand, he is trying to eat less which isn't working because his appetite has only spiked and every time he eats something he has diarrhea (I know too much information again!) His doctor said it could be irritable bowel or just the fact that some people just have a bowel movement after every meal. Hopefully that's it, he doesn't need another diagnosis.
On the topic of eating, when we first started dating and while we were trying to figure out a diagnosis, he sweats SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much when he eats. He needs 2 napkins, one to wipe the sweat off his face and one to wipe his face and hands. (I know that is so much TMI in one post it is disgusting) But he hasn't had that in at least 3 months. Now it's back, full force. It's nasty. It's gross and I can't/ don't want to say that my boyfriend is gross but seriously I'm trying to eat here!!
Oh well, I felt like I had to get that off my chest and I feel so much better now that I did! Sorry for all the "too much information" parts of this post!! (And if you made it through this whole thing, Congratulations!)
John and I are back on track, like much better than before. This fight definately helped and now we are back to we were when we first started dating, which is fabulous!
However, on another note, John isn't getting any better. His GERD is as bad as when he first got it. His meds aren't working anymore. His probiotic pill thing isn't working. He is having clear/ light yellow stool (which might be too much info, I know), but that is never good news because the bilirubin in our bodies is what makes out feces and urine the darker color. So, having lighter colors for those means he is holding in ALL of his bilirubin! THAT'S BAD NEWS!!
On the other hand, he is trying to eat less which isn't working because his appetite has only spiked and every time he eats something he has diarrhea (I know too much information again!) His doctor said it could be irritable bowel or just the fact that some people just have a bowel movement after every meal. Hopefully that's it, he doesn't need another diagnosis.
On the topic of eating, when we first started dating and while we were trying to figure out a diagnosis, he sweats SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much when he eats. He needs 2 napkins, one to wipe the sweat off his face and one to wipe his face and hands. (I know that is so much TMI in one post it is disgusting) But he hasn't had that in at least 3 months. Now it's back, full force. It's nasty. It's gross and I can't/ don't want to say that my boyfriend is gross but seriously I'm trying to eat here!!
Oh well, I felt like I had to get that off my chest and I feel so much better now that I did! Sorry for all the "too much information" parts of this post!! (And if you made it through this whole thing, Congratulations!)
Keepin It Real
I'm supposed to be "Keeping It Real" because I was tagged by Jessica... Right now I am waiting for my internet to actually start working.
Right now I have nothing good to write and don't really feel like complaining anymore so maybe at a later date I will actually add some more blog... For now...
This is me keeping it real (sideways):
(my sister took it of me. she was making jokes and I couldn't stop laughing. so she snapped the picture and this is what we got)
Right now I have nothing good to write and don't really feel like complaining anymore so maybe at a later date I will actually add some more blog... For now...
This is me keeping it real (sideways):
(my sister took it of me. she was making jokes and I couldn't stop laughing. so she snapped the picture and this is what we got)
April 3, 2009
I am so tired
I am so tired today.
I am tired of the silence
I am tired of fighting
I am tired of complaints about pain
I am tired of health issues
I am tired of prescriptions
I am tired of diets
I am tired of not knowing what to do
I am tired of not being able to help
I am tired of not having the pager that was supposed to beep when the doc's were ready to save John's life.
I am just tired.
Tired of being tired
Tired of trying, not trying, crying, wishing I could give up. I'm just really tired.
Plus, I need some advice. John and I has a bit of a set back in our relationship (aka a really massive fight) and now we are having a lot of trouble pulling it all back together! I don't have much/ if any relationship experience before I met John and I don't know how to fix these situations. We've talked... at length... about all of it. We've given each other "alone" time to think it over. We've cried and yelled and just about everything in the book. I am tired of trying so much and nothing working. Someone, Anyone, Please, If you have advice please let me know I would appreciate it so much!
I am tired of the silence
I am tired of fighting
I am tired of complaints about pain
I am tired of health issues
I am tired of prescriptions
I am tired of diets
I am tired of not knowing what to do
I am tired of not being able to help
I am tired of not having the pager that was supposed to beep when the doc's were ready to save John's life.
I am just tired.
Tired of being tired
Tired of trying, not trying, crying, wishing I could give up. I'm just really tired.
Plus, I need some advice. John and I has a bit of a set back in our relationship (aka a really massive fight) and now we are having a lot of trouble pulling it all back together! I don't have much/ if any relationship experience before I met John and I don't know how to fix these situations. We've talked... at length... about all of it. We've given each other "alone" time to think it over. We've cried and yelled and just about everything in the book. I am tired of trying so much and nothing working. Someone, Anyone, Please, If you have advice please let me know I would appreciate it so much!
April 1, 2009
I just want to crawl in a corner and sleep and cry and be non-existent for a few days.
The last appointment we had with the doctor's went really well and I'm happy that the AST and ALT numbers went down, even is it was only by 3. But, they aren't looking for a liver for him anymore. No more pager that is going to beep when they have a possible liver/ donor. No more waking up in the middle of the night to run to the hospital to get prepped for the surgery that might save his life. No more waiting around until his doctor's call us to tell us they've "done all they can". Our lives are empty now.
That might seem weird. Why would someone want to sit around and just wait for all these things to happen. Because, we want him to live. I wanted a long life with him now I'm getting the "stuff 80 years worth of life into the 20 he has left" life. That isn't what I wanted. I would never break up with him over a stupid liver but it makes it hard and now that I know he wont get his liver for a while longer, I just want to stop caring and sit in a corner and cry.
I realize the doctors have their reasonings for not giving him his liver. But I also just realized, like right before I started typing this post, that their reason is because he is such a hard match and by the time he would get a liver that was the right size and the right match that he would be dead. I can't even ask people to get tested to see if they are a match for him. The entire process is over, ended, our hard work, shot.
I feel like crawling into a corner and sleeping and crying. A lot.
Stupid liver.
The last appointment we had with the doctor's went really well and I'm happy that the AST and ALT numbers went down, even is it was only by 3. But, they aren't looking for a liver for him anymore. No more pager that is going to beep when they have a possible liver/ donor. No more waking up in the middle of the night to run to the hospital to get prepped for the surgery that might save his life. No more waiting around until his doctor's call us to tell us they've "done all they can". Our lives are empty now.
That might seem weird. Why would someone want to sit around and just wait for all these things to happen. Because, we want him to live. I wanted a long life with him now I'm getting the "stuff 80 years worth of life into the 20 he has left" life. That isn't what I wanted. I would never break up with him over a stupid liver but it makes it hard and now that I know he wont get his liver for a while longer, I just want to stop caring and sit in a corner and cry.
I realize the doctors have their reasonings for not giving him his liver. But I also just realized, like right before I started typing this post, that their reason is because he is such a hard match and by the time he would get a liver that was the right size and the right match that he would be dead. I can't even ask people to get tested to see if they are a match for him. The entire process is over, ended, our hard work, shot.
I feel like crawling into a corner and sleeping and crying. A lot.
Stupid liver.
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