My New Dresser!

I finally finished my dresser. The finished product is pretty awesome (for space) it isn't the prettiest thing I have ever seen (but it's cuter than my little kids dresser).

This picture is of my old dresser. It might look big but not for all my clothes (even after I cleaned out my clothes like 5 times to try to make it all fit):



These next 2 pictures are of my new dresser (YAY!) and the one has the knobs that I got the other day to add to it. It's pretty spacious but it is smaller than the last one I had but the bonus with this one is that it actually has drawers!:






(I do have to say I am pretty proud of doing everything, except the handles (because I am not trusted with power tools) by myself!)

Also, if anyone knows how to flip pictures in the posts so they are actually going the right way that would be great if you could let me know! Thanks!

Happy Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day! I hope all of you had a wonderful day off of work (if you got one) and spent some lovely time relaxing.

I went to Ikea in Canton and sadly missed the stop that I was going to have in Chelsea so I didn't get to see John but there is rumor of him coming into town Thursday for a few hours! YAY!

Anyways I FINALLY bought a dresser at Ikea! I have been looking for about 7 years for a new dresser. The one I got isn't the most fantastic thing I have ever seen but it was cheap and bigger than the one I have. When I do get it done (btw it is taking me a long while to buld it!) I will have pictures of the before and after! YAY! It already looks so much more spacious and I really hope it will be!

Anyways back to the reason of the day, Memorial Day! I have many a friend (see list below) that are in the Army (only Army of course, HOOAH!!). I love all of my friends dearly and my boyfriend, John, use to be in the Army too! HOOAH!

Anyways I would just like to give a shout out to all of my Army friends and hope they are safe when they are over there fighting and want to let them know (even though they dont read this) that I would LOVE A PHONE CALL ONCE IN A WHILE!! Anyways here goes with my list:

Mjr. Snelling, Sgt. Parks, Col. Hagan
Lindsay S.
Mr. and Mrs. Brian M.
Billy R.
Matthew S.
Carly S.
Christine T.
Jennifer R.
Alex H.
Eilis C.
Nate F.
Col. Ovendon
Maj. Z

Those are my close friends and there are so many more that I wont list because I'm not that close with the rest of them but these people are so wonderful and I love all of them!

Anyways please be safe my friends and come back home to me. Don't you dare die or get injured on me! I love all of you!

Happy Memorial Day!

How bout an update?

I don't really feel like writing a blog right now but I am so upset that I just have to vent.

I still live with my parents and hopefully that will be changing in the fall to an apartment with John. (Which by the way things are getting better). However, while I am here with my parents and my sister who is 25 and my brother who is 18 I am so annoyed. I know parents try their hardest for their kids. This however, is not the case for me. My parents have my sister and brother and they are the golden children. They don't play favorites with them but they spoil them rotten.

I wont go into the issues my brother and sister have but suffice it to say they are so spoiled they have no self control, manners, or respect.

Anyways I wont go into an unending story of medical issues with me but I have a few issues that are life threatening and I live with everyday. Now, I don't seek out medical care, in fact I hate going to the doctor so when all these medical problems were diagnosed it wasn't because I was seeking out a diagnosis to invoke peoples pity on me. I am one sick person, I wont lie about that and it does get hard everyday living with all these issues. However, my parents seemed to have missed the memo that you are supposed to love your children no matter what.

My parents are the complete opposite of supporting to me. I am 100% positive they still have no idea 1/2 the things that are wrong with me and I really dont care anymore. They have shown me that their loyalties lie with my brother, sister and of course my dog. I however, am not even on the back burner anymore. I am the water that got evaporated from neglect and I am the pot that had to be thrown out from the burnt water ruining it.

Suffice it to say, I am their trash.

The newest news

John and I talked we still aren't sure what to do but we know we want to try to work things out.

We don't want to break up but don't know how to go from this. We both want to work at it, make it better, but so far neither of us has figured out how that is possible.

I can't imagine my life without him in it and I just can't see a future without him but there are so many other forshadowing problems that I'm not sure we can get through those to make it to that future I so badly want with him.

I don't understand why it has to be SO hard to figure these things out! Why can't I just figure it out in my head. My mind is racing and my heart is hurting and I just want us to go back to normal and maybe I shouldn't have said anything about it and just let us go on out way, the way we were.

I don't know because now it is too late to take it back and now it might be too late to fix it and I am not asking for a perfect relationship (obviously) because I'm human just like John and we make mistakes and I want our relationship to have mistakes so we can grow but this is a huge mistake and we haven't really spoken in the last few days and I am struggling with the fact that maybe (if this ends) I wont ever talk to him again.

I don't know what to do. My mind is so confused and a I am too! Please load all of the advice you can on to me! Thanks!

This is a hard one.

I can't even begin. My mind is racing, scrambling for the right words.

I guess this might be a long post but I have to get it off my chest.

My mentor (whom I love and admire) gave me some advice yesterday and I thought through it. I never take everything she says to heart and I always think through most of it unless I know that she is 100% right and I wont disagree with her.

Yesterday we talked for about 3 hours. A lot about life in general and then a lot about John. This is her advice. "Don't settle, select." Which I had thought I had done (select, that is) and then she comes on with her evidenciary support. I wont go into all of it because obviously three hours leads to a lot of support. (She must have been thinking about this a while b/c she was really really good at backing up her argument). Anyways, she spoke and I listened then I asked for more support and evidence and I listened some more and then I really went off on my own to think about it.

Like I said, her arguments were really really good in her favor. Her advice was to dump him (which I immediately threw out as an option) and then her argument kept coming back to me and I decided to talk to John. I am really confused about what happened last night and don't remember hardly any of the coversation I had with John but I do remember thinking and saying this: "The way I see it I can't see us breaking up, but I don't think I should have to settle." (Which the more I thought about what Carol had said I realized that maybe I did settle on a lot of issues that are too important to just settle on). Then I went on to say "But, the way I see the arguments and the way it plays out on out relationship, I can't see us staying together either."

I have no idea what to do. I don't want to settle, damn it, who would? But I can't even see my future without John. Or maybe I could if I knew there was someone better out there for me. I don't know. I would love some advice if anyone has any. Anyone, new blog readers, old blog readers, anyone with any insight!

I almost forgot...

I almost forgot I had a blog.
I logged on to my computer yesterday and felt like something was missing. I realized (once I had shut my computer down again) that it was my blog and I vowed last night to write a blog today.

Not much to write, probably will turn into some big ramble that doesn't matter.

John's been gone now for a week and a few days. It's definately different without him here. I lay in bed at night and just pray that he will walk through the door and just hold me so I can finally sleep. After my last post about not sleeping I slept 2 full nights and thought I was getting better until John left and I can't sleep again.

This Skype thing helps a little but I still want him here not there. He tells me about his days and his updates and I just want to cry because I am not there for any of it. I want to be there... I want him here.

He changed soap. Many would think this is not a big deal but I love the smell of soap and I love the smell of freshly washed John. I cant smell him over Skype and that sounds really weird and I know I am over reacting... It's just soap... but it's the little things like getting to hold him and getting to fill my nose with his scent and I miss that because I don't remember what he smells like or what he feels like to hold.

Now, I do put partial blame on my lack of short term memory and my poor long term memory. I was involved in a trauma when I was in 6th grade and now have severe brain damage that has completely impaired my short term and the only way I remember anything is to immediately transfer it into my small long term memory. I should have that info of John stored somewhere in there but I cant seem to find it and I cant pull it out and hold it close to my heart anymore.

Like I have said in previous posts I hate long distance relationships. I didn't want a long distance relationship and if I had known that John would have to move back home I'm not sure how long this relationship would have lasted. (I know that makes me shallow but it is my downfall and I just dont do well with long distance anything, even just friendships). I feel like hoping in my car everyday and drving there to see him. I have become increasingly sad and now I feel like just lying in bed and waiting for the next 3.25 months until John comes back.

Okay, well I am going to work out... maybe... if I can find the motivation. More later, sorry for my rants. Thanks for listening Blogger and Blogger friends!

I'm Skype-ing

I went out yesterday and I bought a webcam so that I could Skype with John! It is fantastic, the best $30 I have ever spent! I am so excited!

We figured it out last night and talked for like an hour and a half and I could see him!! JUST FABULOUS!!

I couldn't stop smiling and I just love this new invention of Skype at my house!

A HUGE Thank you to Jessica for telling me about it! I owe you big time! You have just made my summer 100% better!

So excited can't wait until we both have the time off so we can talk again!

John's Not Here

John's gone. Went back home early Saturday. I haven't cried except maybe 1 or 5 tears last night when we got off the phone.

I hate the fact that everywhere I go (since I used to go everywhere with John) everyone asks me where John is. I have to tell them that he went home and isn't here for the next 3.5 months. Everytime I say this I get all choked up like I want to cry obviously I cant.

John hates crying (that's what I keep telling myself so I don't cry, I wouldn't want to disappoint him). And it seems like I am writing this like I he has been gone forever and I have had to tell a ton of people about it even though he's only been gone since yesterday. Well, I had a family party yesterday and everyone kept asking and when I worked today, for those of my coworkers who knew I was dating him asked me and I just want to cry right in front of them (I know, I know, John hates crying).

Anyways I really hate talking about it but just in case I am absent I am probably sitting on my bed, alone, staring at a wall or the door and hoping John will walk through it at any time. Yeah, in my dreams, I know.

Anyways, Happy Mothers Day to All Mothers out there. Thanks for all you all do.

Welp, I'm back

Hello all!

Sorry for the leave of absence. I have had finals all week and last week we were packing John up to go home (*sad*).

Anyways, finals are over and even though they are over it is more torture to wait for the grade... I know without a date that I failed my last one (badly) and I hate that feeling. I seriously studied for 7 days straight! I am not a believer in over-studying and people who believe in that make me nervous and I feel bad when they do bad. Anyways, I looked at my final today and felt like one of the under-studiers because I didn't want to be an overstudier... I'm not sure if that is a word.

On another note. John is leaving early Saturday morning for 3.5 months. That's super sad. I am completely blank when we talk about this. I have no emotion and I hate long distance anything (I know I have already said this). He leaves all the time we get 4 months together when the semester is in progress then he is gone again for months at a time. I guess 8 months out of a year isn't bad. I know it could be worse but I HATE it!

I keep telling myself to be happy while he is here and live in the moment, however, when it gets closer to him leaving I just tense up and close up and don't even feel like living until he gets back (I know thats really bad, sorry). I don't even know how to deal with this yet and it has happened since the very beginning of our relationship. I still haven't gotten use to it... does it ever get any easier!?!?!?

I hate this whole thing. I wanted to have a good summer and now I working 60 hours a week and missing John every second of the day. How am I gonna keep going through this!

=(