I'm so mad I could spit!!

I am so mad I could spit! I actually never understood that phrase when people would say it but I get it now! I am so mad I could spit right now!

John is dipping... you know sticking the pinch of tobacco in his cheek... yeah bloody wonderful! Well, I guess he'll be a lonely old man dying of liver cirrhosis and mouth cancer because I have been through enough cancer diagnoses and chemo treatments to last me 8 lifetimes.

I thought he had stopped in September. When he had promised me he was done, cold turkey, I totally beleieved him. IDIOT!! IDIOT!! IDIOT!! I thought that for the past 7 months he has been dip free. Living free from an increased risk of mouth cancer... Guess I was the one in the dark. Why is the girlfriend always the last to know!?!?!? I guess he figures the cirrhosis and weight he refuses to take off will kill him before the mouth cancer gets him.

You know what... maybe he's right... hopefully he is because I went to high school with a kid who got mouth cancer from dipping and his ENTIRE JAW fell off before he died... No one, not even lying John, deserves to die that way!

On another note, John is on many different diets, a low-cholesterol, a high-fiber, low-protein, low-carb, yada yada, etc., etc.. Obviously the point of all of these would be to keep him skinny and take the workload off of his liver to not have to filter so much fat! We've been doing diets for the past 3 months. Not long, I understand, and a diet is a major lifestyle changer... However, today, along with the dip I found a bag of potato chips... Now normally this wouldnt be a problem because he usually gets the mini bags that fit in the lunches for school. BUT!! This one was a family sized bag and was GONE!! the ENTIRE bag was gone... down to the crumbs... which I am sure he will devour tonight... I asked him when he bought it... SUNDAY NIGHT!! He ate an ENTIRE FAMILY SIZED BAG OF FAT POTATO CHIPS in 1 DAY!!

I am so mad I could spit. What is all my hard work going too? Obviously it just went down the toilet because he wont lose weight eating bags and bags of potato chips and he will only have more health problems with the dipping. Just what he needs right now!

I'm so mad I could spit!

I hate Apartment Hunting

I HATE!! Apartment Hunting. Everyone I know makes it seem so easy... It's not and someone should have told me before we got started and the part of my heart that wanted an apartment got broken.

We looked at 2 apartments, John is going to look at more, we have a pretty long list of them.

I can't move... I live with my parents. I'm probably going to always live with my parents. Apartments are way too expensive and the problem isn't that I don't have a job, because actually my job pays pretty well.

The problem is that my parents hate the fact that I want to move out of the house and especially hate the fact that I will be moving in with a boy! Hello, I am 21 years old. I'm not saying 21 years is old, but it's old enough to make my own decision and I want to move in with John.

Other problems:
1) My parents will never ever sign a co-sign form and all applicants that are full time students must have one!
2) I can't make the kind of money needed to supply all the stuff needed for a shitty apartment
3) I don't work often in the school year and what I make goes directly to car payments and car insurance.

So, looking back, me even thinking I could afford an apartment was ludacris and I totally love the feel of apartment living from what I saw today. So, in conclusion, I am completely heart-broken because I built myself up to fall. Should have seen in coming Julia! Damn It!

So let me tell you a little story!

So here's a little background... I'm 21 years old... I'm a Freshman in college!

Weird right? No, I didn't take a big break out of high school and then go to college. Nope, that's not how it happened... This is how it happened:

I wanted to be a nurse so I applied to Mercy College in the Uptown Part of Toledo. I got accepted and started there in August of 2005. I went through 3 years of schooling there at Mercy and I wont go into details but I failed out of there. Yup, I failed out of college! Woo-Stinkin-Hoo! So I decided that I wanted to be closer to my boyfriend, so I am now going to UT. Back to being a freshman.

I was supposed to graduate with my Bachelor's in Nursing this May! I am so heartbroken the more I think about it. All of my friends still go to Mercy and are still going to graduate in May. I am so happy for them but I wanted to be there too!


Oh well that was a random rant but in other news, John and I are going to look at apartments tomorrow!! YAY!! John's medications that our doctor put him on at our last appt. are starting to work!! YAY!!! And, everything is back to normal in our relationship which is also very good news!! YAY!!

I have a ton of homework! =( So I must leave my random rants alone for today... More later.

J+J

What an amazingly long day! Instead of my 0530 wakeup I was so lucky and got up at 0200 and then 0300 to 0330 and then at 0430 for the rest of the day... Really lovely!!

I passed my check-off! (YAY!) and clinical went well except for me having a pretty difficult patient!

In other news, John and I talked stuff through and we're all good. In other other news, John has a cold, which supposedly you get a lot when you have liver damage??!!?? And, on top of all that his pain med every day contains Tylenol, Nyquil contains Tylenol and bottom line... It's A LOT of Tylenol! It's a lot for anyone and especially for someone with liver damage!

I don't have much to write today. I am so scatter brained from loss of sleep that I have spelled almost every word I have typed wrong!

Night all. I'm done!

J+J

So you know those times...

So you know those times when you just can't sleep... Yup. Just one of those nights!

I have to get up at 0530 tomorrow for my clinical for school! Oh Joy! Then after all of that I have to go to ANOTHER hospital and do a check-off... which is like a skill thing that the instructors watch you do so they make sure you are doing it right! One of the most stressful things in life is a check-off!

John and I got into a HUGE-O fight tonight and I am literally so mad about it still I want to punch my computer screen!

John and I don't fight. Have we before... sure... about who gets the last piece of gum or who gets to choose the radio station or who drives, etc., etc..

No, not tonight... I'm not gonna go into details but lets boil it down to John being a priveleged little snot and not giving a shit about anyone else... really cool... or not!

I'm SO MAD!! I should just be the bigger person and get over it! I should, I already know that! I just can't. Not right now. Not so soon after all of the mayhem!

Oh good God!! I have to get some sleep and I just CANT! It's all this stupid fights fault. I was tired before we started fighting not I am reved up and I can't stop the thoughts flowing through my crippled brain!

Men are so hard to get through too... Maybe it's just me and I don't know how to present the info so that they comprehend it!

I need sleep... I'm going to go stare at the ceiling!

Later.

I'd like to thank the Academy!!

I am so flattered that I got an award... I'm not sure if I was supposed to steal the picture too but I did (sorry!)

And then there is a list thing about things I love! So here goes:

1)John. He is always there for me and we have been through so much together. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him!

2)My other friends. I only have about 2 other friends. That's fine though. I love them so much and I know we will never loose the friendship we have!

3) Electronics! I am so sorry that electronics had to make it to my list. However, I could NOT live or fully function without my phone or my computer... I would be utterly lost. And calculators!! AMEN TO CALCULATORS!!

4) People who read my blog. Actually #3 is the person who reads my blog! That would be Jessica! She reads my blog and has so many encouraging comments and it brightens my entire day when I see a comment from her and go read her blog and see all her updates!

5) Coffee/ Caffiene. I am addicted to caffiene and without it I have a headache. I also love mocha's with shots of vanilla syrup in it!! YUMMMM!!!

6) All of my doctors/ nurses and All of John's doctors/ nurses. John and I have been through a lot of medical problems (together and before we met). My life has been saved a good 20+ times with medicine and amazing staff and John's life is GOING to be saved by doctors or nurses! I love miracles and medicine is a small but significant one!

7) My life. Okay, this one might be a bit bland but it's true. There are tough times but even those are trivial compared to the amazing-ness of life!

Now I am supposed to pass this award off to people who read my blog but like I said Jessica is the only one and she already received this award. However, she leaves me comments all the time and is a superb blogger so I give this award back to you Jessica!!

Dr's Appt

We had out Dr's appt. yesterday... kind of as a check-in see how you are holding up kinf of appt.

So we see a nurse practitioner instead of the Dr's and We LOVE her!! She walks in the room and looks at John and the first thing she said was "You look good!" That made me smile! =) He does look good!! =)

So we got to talking about how he was doing and that he should lose weight... yeah we know... and then she gave him some pain meds and some meds for his bowel issues and John has a misconception that its going to help his esophagus too... I don't think so... Oh well...

She went over the labs with us and all the results from the major tests that we already knew and said that they would just keep watching it ... like blood work and ultrasounds until we actually get something good or bad and then we take more action... for right now the transplant is on hold... =( I just want him to get a liver... I don't really understand what the doctor was blabbing on about when she said we were gonna wait on that... =(

Oh well... Just thought I would update... More later I'm sure

OH!! I almost forgot!! John got a letter in the mail and has been accepted into a History National Honors Society!! FANTASTIC!! I am so proud of him!! =) The banquet is on April 9th to be inducted! I SO PROUD OF HIM!!

Love,
J+J

The pictures from break!

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Clancy James!!

The Big 3 Years Old!!

We love you so much and are so glad you are in our lives!!

Much Love Little C!!

J+J

Going Home

We'll be headed home tomorrow... back to good ol' T-Town!!

I kind of miss it but my mom called me and said out basement flooded while we were on vaca so I can't say I'm looking forward to that!!

This vaca has been really nice... I wish it could only last longer...

We've had our bad days... but what relationship doesnt??!!!??

Oh well I can't wait to post pictures and stuff... I love some of the pictures we took!! =)

Okay... More later (maybe tomorrow, but I have a bunch of homework to do!)

J+J

there is some relaxin

We made it to Columbus today and are now with his dad and step-mom (who we like much more than the other side of his family!!)

I cannot wait to put my pictures on my computer some of them are so fun!! Some of them are pretty boring... but either way I love pictures!

News on health: John lost 19 pounds... thats good and bad I guess... he needed to lose weight but he is also getting fatigued and the 2 major signs of liver failure are fatigue and large weight loss in a short amount of time... I hate to think he is getting worse... maybe we are lucky and it's just because he is getting healthier by losing weight!

Oh well more later or when we get back to lovely Toledo!

J+J

Spring Break... not cool

I am freezing... Chelsea, Michigan is SO COLD!! It was about 70 degrees when we got here yesterday and now its like 30 and raining!! =(

I have so much homework and it is getting on my nerves... AWFUL!!

John's pretty sick too... what else is new though?
Last night he had chest pain and of course his liver hurt... He has awful GI distress right now... We should have stayed in Toledo just in case this happened!!

Oh well I have to get back to homework so that I can finish so I'm not busy with homework all break!!

More later... Plus pictures!!

J+J

It's Been Weird

This is my second day without John and it is WEIRD!!

I get to see him tomorrow which I am super excited about and we are leaving for about nine days... That's fun except for the fact that he will be sick the entire time... I just hope he remembers to pack his meds... Sometimes he forgets and we have to turn around, cancel our trip, and go home just so we can have meds on hand... I really hope he remembers... I really need a vacation...

I wish he could have had his liver by now... We'll get it soon enough... They are keeping a close eye on the labs and on a liver ultrasound... John want's to do more liver biopsies because he loves the meds they give him =p

What a goofball... I wish I could get the pictures off of his phone and my phone that we take while we are in the hospital... I am taking my camera on vacation for sure so we will hopefully get some really cute pictures!! I just love pictures!!

Anyways this was a pretty pointless post... and now I am off for more homework!! WOOHOO!!!

J+J

I'm done with his liver for a few days!?!?

I don't get to see John until Friday and I am a little heartbroken because we don't spend time apart... except for at night when we go to our seperate homes... and even those few hours suck!

I also have to say that I am a little excited... No more pain in my life for 3 days, no more dying liver, no more jaundice, no more liver for 3 days!! I miss John but definately not his liver...

It's hard to see him living with such an awful liver and I would LOVE it... LOOOOVVVEEEE IT!! if he could get a new one and right now I have almost come to terms with the fact that we just have to wait it out and one day we'll get lucky ducky and find a new liver for him.

Most transplants come from people who die... not from live donors like I wish could happen! Here's the dilemma: I sit here waiting for a new liver for John but that also means I am sitting here waiting for someone else to die so that he can get his liver.
That makes me feel so guilty because so many other people are losing loved ones! I don't want the other people to die but I hope everyday that we will get a call to say "Come on in. We got a good one!" I know it seems like that makes me an awful person but I love John so much and I can't imagine my life without him... I already know that these next 3 days are gonna be brutal and I can't imagine a life without him!

Someone please save John! Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, etc., etc.!

So we've decided

It isn't fair anymore... John and I were talking the other day and thats what we have decided.

It took to long to find this, they didn't catch it in time, they waited until he was more than half dead to tell us!

John told me that he wanted to sue the first doctor we saw because he was compltely ignorant to John's issue... He did some routine bloodwork and when his AST and ALT (liver enzymes) came back FOUR TIMES higher than they should be... HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!! Isn't that neglect? Don't doctors take an oath to help people, not ignore the problems?

We are actually looking into how to sue a doctor and if we have a case but if we do you best believe that we are gonna sue the pants off of him!

It still isn't fair... I can't stand it... I have had a problem the past few weeks where everytime I think of this whole thing I literally get sick to my stomach and start gagging... It's AWFUL!!

I just want something miraculous to happen and it wont... AND on top of all that John's doctors appt. that was scheduled for tomorrow is now pushed back to the 19th of March!! Stupid doctor broke her arm!!

Whatever... I hate this.... Someone just please save John!!! PLEASE!!