Happy Birthday John.
You will be 22 today. I can't call you up and tell you and I can't buy you presents and give them to you. This is the first birthday in many birthday's of yours that I wont be with you. You don't care but it hurts a little more today knowing that this is one more celebration we don't get to have together. The holiday's are looming and Thanksgiving and Christmas were our favorites! I see all the decorations and all of the happy couples shopping together and I cry. For us. For me mostly. You have another girl in your life. Have for a while. You'll have someone to cuddle up to and exchange gifts with and I will still sit in my empty house staring at walls thinking of you.
I miss you John. Maybe now more than ever.
People always told me that it gets easier with time. When does the time that it gets easier with start? It's been 4 months and it seems like I haven't seen him in ages. I still hurt everyday. I still want him back in my life. I want to marry him like we were supposed to be doing right about now... I want my life back. I realize now that I wont ever forget him and I wont ever stop hurting completely but it shouldn't be THIS bad still, should it?
I wasn't prepared mentally or physically for it. I am a complete train wreck and it seems like there were a lot of fatalities on that train... It hurts. I get it. I've had my heart broken once before this last time but it was nothing like this. Why is this time so much harder? What made this one so different? Why am I still hurting?
October 22, 2009
September 29, 2009
The C Word... Sorry (I stole this title)
As probably none of you know my family has been through the cancer ringer enough times to stop counting now.
A fellow blogger (Jessica) just wrote about her friend getting cancer (and it seems very advanced for such a young age! good luck to her and her family!)
My mother and sister both has ovarian cancer and it metastasized to many other organs in both of them. They both had massive surgery to evacuate all of the organs that could be taken out and pieces of organs that can't (rectum, intestines, liver, you catch my drift).
My family was fortunate enough to have the BEST gynecological oncologist in the entire world: Dr. Stephen Andrews. (Who now resides as a big wig at The Ohio State University Hopsital)! (You go Dr. Andrews! Thank you for all of your hard work and effort into saving my family! I will never forget you or your staff and I love you with all of my heart. I can never say thank you enough for the extra time that you gave us with our loved ones!)
However, many other women and men are inflicted with this terrible disease every day and it is found too late and there is no cure... not yet!!
I know that sometime in my lifetime there will be a cure. If I am so unlucky and get this disease then I want there to be as many options as possible... as I am sure most anyone would when faced with this situation.
Whatever anyone can do to raise awareness helps. I love doing the Ovarian Cancer Walk!! Love it!! This year I went to the walk and fundraised before and I raised $80. $80 doesn't seem like much but it is more than they had before!! $80 probably wont find a cure but it's $80 to add to someone else's $80 and so on until we have raised enough to learn all we can and do all we can!
Cancer is one of my favorite fundraising causes and it means so much to me when I see other people raising money for these charities that support a cure too!!
Remember: Cancer is a word, not a sentence!
A fellow blogger (Jessica) just wrote about her friend getting cancer (and it seems very advanced for such a young age! good luck to her and her family!)
My mother and sister both has ovarian cancer and it metastasized to many other organs in both of them. They both had massive surgery to evacuate all of the organs that could be taken out and pieces of organs that can't (rectum, intestines, liver, you catch my drift).
My family was fortunate enough to have the BEST gynecological oncologist in the entire world: Dr. Stephen Andrews. (Who now resides as a big wig at The Ohio State University Hopsital)! (You go Dr. Andrews! Thank you for all of your hard work and effort into saving my family! I will never forget you or your staff and I love you with all of my heart. I can never say thank you enough for the extra time that you gave us with our loved ones!)
However, many other women and men are inflicted with this terrible disease every day and it is found too late and there is no cure... not yet!!
I know that sometime in my lifetime there will be a cure. If I am so unlucky and get this disease then I want there to be as many options as possible... as I am sure most anyone would when faced with this situation.
Whatever anyone can do to raise awareness helps. I love doing the Ovarian Cancer Walk!! Love it!! This year I went to the walk and fundraised before and I raised $80. $80 doesn't seem like much but it is more than they had before!! $80 probably wont find a cure but it's $80 to add to someone else's $80 and so on until we have raised enough to learn all we can and do all we can!
Cancer is one of my favorite fundraising causes and it means so much to me when I see other people raising money for these charities that support a cure too!!
Remember: Cancer is a word, not a sentence!
September 12, 2009
It's Been Rough Lately.
I have not stopped thinking about John lately. I don't know what it is but it just keeps getting harder and harder to get over him. I can't pretend he wasn't part of my life in a major way but I wish I could at least not think about his 23/7.
Does he think of me?
Is he happy with his new girlfriend?
How's his liver?
Does he take his meds anymore?
Does he even need his meds anymore?
What are his doctors saying?
Did he keep any of the things I gave him?
How's he holding up?
Am I the only one struggling to move on?
There are so many questions running through my mind and it is so hard to answer them. I feel like a lot of the relationship was a lie on his part so I don't feel like I can answer those questions.
Everyone always said it would only get easier every day and it hasn't. It's gotten worse.
A couple new changes: My tattoo has healed and I love it! (I'll have to put a picture of the final/ healed . I got my ear's pierced (I am shocked that I did this... I'll have to post pictures of all of this stuff) and my new glasses which no one has seen yet (at least no one that reads this blog).
Well I will be in and out until I really move on and get better. Hopefully people are right and it does get easier ... maybe it wont be by day... maybe by months but I'll keep ya'll posted.
Does he think of me?
Is he happy with his new girlfriend?
How's his liver?
Does he take his meds anymore?
Does he even need his meds anymore?
What are his doctors saying?
Did he keep any of the things I gave him?
How's he holding up?
Am I the only one struggling to move on?
There are so many questions running through my mind and it is so hard to answer them. I feel like a lot of the relationship was a lie on his part so I don't feel like I can answer those questions.
Everyone always said it would only get easier every day and it hasn't. It's gotten worse.
A couple new changes: My tattoo has healed and I love it! (I'll have to put a picture of the final/ healed . I got my ear's pierced (I am shocked that I did this... I'll have to post pictures of all of this stuff) and my new glasses which no one has seen yet (at least no one that reads this blog).
Well I will be in and out until I really move on and get better. Hopefully people are right and it does get easier ... maybe it wont be by day... maybe by months but I'll keep ya'll posted.
September 4, 2009
Absent
I have been absent lately... not a big deal but I felt like I should post another post.
I have started school... actually I startd 2 weeks ago but anyways... it's okay... school is school.
I have been having a hard time lately with the whole John thing. I think it's because he was always my support when we were in school and now I don't have anyone.
I have been talking to a lot of people (family and friends) and I think that we have decided that eHamony or match.com would be a good idea for me. I'd only do it for a few months and if nothing happens than just find alternate routes to finding the right guy for me.
I know I will find someone special someday. Right now I'm still getting over the fact that I thought I already has that someone special.
Oh well life moves on.
More later.
I have started school... actually I startd 2 weeks ago but anyways... it's okay... school is school.
I have been having a hard time lately with the whole John thing. I think it's because he was always my support when we were in school and now I don't have anyone.
I have been talking to a lot of people (family and friends) and I think that we have decided that eHamony or match.com would be a good idea for me. I'd only do it for a few months and if nothing happens than just find alternate routes to finding the right guy for me.
I know I will find someone special someday. Right now I'm still getting over the fact that I thought I already has that someone special.
Oh well life moves on.
More later.
August 17, 2009
I am SHOCKED!
So I went to the doctor today and let me tell you something... I am SHOCKED... hence the title of this post.
Lets begin with a mini history... I have the circulation of an 85 year old... no offense to all of you 85 year olds out there but the truth is you dont have very good circulation... but I'm in that boat with you!! Anyways. No one, (read: the one doctor that I have gone to in 2003), can figure out why this is.
So anyways I go to him today (read: 30 minute wait, 5 minute appt.), and he does nothing. He figured it would get worse... =O
He orders a venous reflux scan (which I have had before)... Here before I waste my time and money please let me tell you what those results will be... Negative! I don't have reflux... If I had reflux I would have better circulation than an 85 year old... like really?? Really??
Okay moving on... I'll also order some compression stockings (you know those tight knee highs that all the older people wear with shorts, yup, those) and those should help. Well, we've tried that before, just like we've tried the scan and those only aggravate the problem!
Frickin Fantastic! Really! I'm thrilled (read: pissed) that this is your conclusion!
I was in shock. He is doing everything that I have been doing for the past 6 years all over again... I could just cry... I would prefer them to amputate my legs. I would be so happy and I wouldnt have to deal with this pain day in and out. I already have enough things to worry about... I would just like an answer after 6 years!!
Lets begin with a mini history... I have the circulation of an 85 year old... no offense to all of you 85 year olds out there but the truth is you dont have very good circulation... but I'm in that boat with you!! Anyways. No one, (read: the one doctor that I have gone to in 2003), can figure out why this is.
So anyways I go to him today (read: 30 minute wait, 5 minute appt.), and he does nothing. He figured it would get worse... =O
He orders a venous reflux scan (which I have had before)... Here before I waste my time and money please let me tell you what those results will be... Negative! I don't have reflux... If I had reflux I would have better circulation than an 85 year old... like really?? Really??
Okay moving on... I'll also order some compression stockings (you know those tight knee highs that all the older people wear with shorts, yup, those) and those should help. Well, we've tried that before, just like we've tried the scan and those only aggravate the problem!
Frickin Fantastic! Really! I'm thrilled (read: pissed) that this is your conclusion!
I was in shock. He is doing everything that I have been doing for the past 6 years all over again... I could just cry... I would prefer them to amputate my legs. I would be so happy and I wouldnt have to deal with this pain day in and out. I already have enough things to worry about... I would just like an answer after 6 years!!
August 8, 2009
More Info on the Tattoo!
After I posted the last picture I thought... maybe you should have explained that a little better... so here goes.
The tattoo is an ovarian cancer ribbon and the years are the years that both my sister ('02) and mom ('05) were diagnosed. It is on my stomach and it is over my left ovary because that is the ovary that all three of us girls have/ had trouble with. Always the left side... weird... I guess genetics is funny like that.
It is finally starting the final stage of the healing process and it ITCHES SO MUCH!!
I just want it to stop itching. No amount of lotion or Benadryl will make it stop. I am a little leary of putting my Benadryl cream on it... I don't want something to happen to the color. I think I will post another picture after it is completely done peeling and is super pretty. It looks even better now than yesterday!!
I am so excited I got it done but I have to say that is the only one I can ever get! I never expected it to hurt as much as it did but I was a trooper and didn't cry or scream or fidget and I went by myself!!
I give MAJOR kudos to the people who have more than 1 tattoo! I wish I was that brave because I can think of a few more things I would love to get a tattoo of!
Oh well, hope ya'll like it!
The tattoo is an ovarian cancer ribbon and the years are the years that both my sister ('02) and mom ('05) were diagnosed. It is on my stomach and it is over my left ovary because that is the ovary that all three of us girls have/ had trouble with. Always the left side... weird... I guess genetics is funny like that.
It is finally starting the final stage of the healing process and it ITCHES SO MUCH!!
I just want it to stop itching. No amount of lotion or Benadryl will make it stop. I am a little leary of putting my Benadryl cream on it... I don't want something to happen to the color. I think I will post another picture after it is completely done peeling and is super pretty. It looks even better now than yesterday!!
I am so excited I got it done but I have to say that is the only one I can ever get! I never expected it to hurt as much as it did but I was a trooper and didn't cry or scream or fidget and I went by myself!!
I give MAJOR kudos to the people who have more than 1 tattoo! I wish I was that brave because I can think of a few more things I would love to get a tattoo of!
Oh well, hope ya'll like it!
August 6, 2009
tattoo...
This is the Tattoo (I have no idea how to turn pictures so sorry if you sprain your neck looking!):
August 1, 2009
Life is Changing
So I know that the song "I am Changing" by Jennifer Holiday is SUCH A GREAT SONG. But especially now when everything is changing it might be "my song".
It's a pick me up in a way and I love hearing it and thinking of all the things in my life that are changing. Let us see.
1) I finally started making doctors appt's again. Not too excited about it but maybe this time I can get some concerte answers and some new med regimens!
2) I am getting a tattoo! I know CRAZY!! It's totally not me but after I get it I will post a picture and explain the significance behind it. I love it and have been thinking about getting one for many years now! I'm getting it Monday at 1230 so please pray for me that it goes well and is the least painful it can be!
3) I feel so much happier! I don't know what it is, maybe the time that has passed but I don't think about John as much as I did and I feel that I am a little more at piece with the whole situation. (I also talked with a bunch of people I work with and they laid it out for me and told me that I will always have love for him in my heart but I still have to move on feeling like that! That made so much sense and has helped so much!)
4) I am getting a few new neurological symptoms. This probably means nothing to all of you but suffice it to say I was in a coma for 2.5 weeks when I was 11 because of a brain trauma and I have mostly recovered from it but now things are reappearing. I guess I'll just have to learn how to live with them all over again.
Well, for right now that is all I can think about, but I feel like thats a pretty good list. (for now).
Well, I thought an update would be nice! (Maybe I'll post a picture of my new glasses too with the post about my tattoo!)
YAY!! NEW LEASES ON LIFE ARE GREAT!!
It's a pick me up in a way and I love hearing it and thinking of all the things in my life that are changing. Let us see.
1) I finally started making doctors appt's again. Not too excited about it but maybe this time I can get some concerte answers and some new med regimens!
2) I am getting a tattoo! I know CRAZY!! It's totally not me but after I get it I will post a picture and explain the significance behind it. I love it and have been thinking about getting one for many years now! I'm getting it Monday at 1230 so please pray for me that it goes well and is the least painful it can be!
3) I feel so much happier! I don't know what it is, maybe the time that has passed but I don't think about John as much as I did and I feel that I am a little more at piece with the whole situation. (I also talked with a bunch of people I work with and they laid it out for me and told me that I will always have love for him in my heart but I still have to move on feeling like that! That made so much sense and has helped so much!)
4) I am getting a few new neurological symptoms. This probably means nothing to all of you but suffice it to say I was in a coma for 2.5 weeks when I was 11 because of a brain trauma and I have mostly recovered from it but now things are reappearing. I guess I'll just have to learn how to live with them all over again.
Well, for right now that is all I can think about, but I feel like thats a pretty good list. (for now).
Well, I thought an update would be nice! (Maybe I'll post a picture of my new glasses too with the post about my tattoo!)
YAY!! NEW LEASES ON LIFE ARE GREAT!!
July 18, 2009
New Post... Finally
Well, the month mark has come and gone. I am better. On the outside. I make it seem like I have moved on and actually some days I feel I have.
I can't lie though. My heart still hurts everyday and every time my phone rings my heart gets happy for a minute thinking it could be him. I don't know when these things will pass but I hope its sooner rather than later.
I'm sick of feeling sad inside and faking happiness on the outside.
I want to be happy again.
I do have good days and I expect the bad days.
I have started to wear makeup and I bought a new pair of glasses (which I love and make me extremely happy, most of the time)!
I feel like there is not enough retail therapy in the world for me and I just cant seem to even move on in my mind. People tell me to get engrossed with something else. Work. Friends. Hobbies.
Well, I don't know what else I can do I go out about 2 times a week with my friends. Golf 1 time a week and work 4 12 hour shifts. I don't have much time for much else but even when I am so busy, I still feel him in my heart. I guess he'll always be there and I just have to move on with that weight on my heart but maybe, even with the weight there, I will be able to move on and be happy again.
Medical wise: still doing bad. Swelling is spreading. Headaches have decreased. Tremors have increased. Spine pain is through the roof. And I feel like I have 10 kidney stones. Shit. Oh well, thank God I have had pain for 3/4 of my life and can get through that otherwise I might be even more of a wreck than I am now!
I can't lie though. My heart still hurts everyday and every time my phone rings my heart gets happy for a minute thinking it could be him. I don't know when these things will pass but I hope its sooner rather than later.
I'm sick of feeling sad inside and faking happiness on the outside.
I want to be happy again.
I do have good days and I expect the bad days.
I have started to wear makeup and I bought a new pair of glasses (which I love and make me extremely happy, most of the time)!
I feel like there is not enough retail therapy in the world for me and I just cant seem to even move on in my mind. People tell me to get engrossed with something else. Work. Friends. Hobbies.
Well, I don't know what else I can do I go out about 2 times a week with my friends. Golf 1 time a week and work 4 12 hour shifts. I don't have much time for much else but even when I am so busy, I still feel him in my heart. I guess he'll always be there and I just have to move on with that weight on my heart but maybe, even with the weight there, I will be able to move on and be happy again.
Medical wise: still doing bad. Swelling is spreading. Headaches have decreased. Tremors have increased. Spine pain is through the roof. And I feel like I have 10 kidney stones. Shit. Oh well, thank God I have had pain for 3/4 of my life and can get through that otherwise I might be even more of a wreck than I am now!
July 6, 2009
Well, if you didn't notice I am kind of glad. I did indeed try to call all of my doctors NUMEROUS!! times this weekend (well, Friday and Saturday). Left voicemails for the receptionists, nurses, schedulers, billers (well, only at 2 of them) and the doctors.
Little did my small fried brain remember the holiday of the Fourth of July. Oops. I guess doctors are just like the rest of us and wanted a vacation with the holiday.
I do have an appointment with one doctor tomorrow, my asthma/ allergy/ immunotherapist doctor. However, I see him once a week and can't say that this isi progress.
I think that they forgot to call me back or just got sick of my couple/ few/ 20 messages on their machines saying that I had called numerous times and no one was returning my calls. Oh Julia, you're so stupid.
I guess I'll try again this week sometime. I also have to go to my dentist sometime soon-ish. I have missed the last couple years and it is actually starting to bug me. I want to use those Crest Whitestrips but don't want to until I know my teeth are as clean as they can be. (If anyone has used Crest Whitestrips or brands/ products like that, please let me know your experience.)
Anyway, on another topic, work sucks. I hate it. Sorry thats brutal but I really wanted to just sit down today and tell people off when they asked me to help them. Oh well, I made it through another 12 hour. Only 3 more to go this week!! =\
And on another topic, one that I should probably just lay to rest is John. Of course, why not just bring him up. It has been 23 days now that we have broken up. Probably 24 by the time anyone reads this. I am still so dead inside from it. I have an amazing support system at work and they were all so nice today. Right now, I really want to believe them that life goes on. I kind of have to believe it since John already has a new girlfriend. But it just doesn't seem to be falling into place for me. I can't seem to make it go in the right direction, no matter how hard I try!
If anyone has ever been through a nasty, nasty break up please let me know what you did to get your mind off of it and be happy again! Thanks, I would SO appreciate that right now!
Little did my small fried brain remember the holiday of the Fourth of July. Oops. I guess doctors are just like the rest of us and wanted a vacation with the holiday.
I do have an appointment with one doctor tomorrow, my asthma/ allergy/ immunotherapist doctor. However, I see him once a week and can't say that this isi progress.
I think that they forgot to call me back or just got sick of my couple/ few/ 20 messages on their machines saying that I had called numerous times and no one was returning my calls. Oh Julia, you're so stupid.
I guess I'll try again this week sometime. I also have to go to my dentist sometime soon-ish. I have missed the last couple years and it is actually starting to bug me. I want to use those Crest Whitestrips but don't want to until I know my teeth are as clean as they can be. (If anyone has used Crest Whitestrips or brands/ products like that, please let me know your experience.)
Anyway, on another topic, work sucks. I hate it. Sorry thats brutal but I really wanted to just sit down today and tell people off when they asked me to help them. Oh well, I made it through another 12 hour. Only 3 more to go this week!! =\
And on another topic, one that I should probably just lay to rest is John. Of course, why not just bring him up. It has been 23 days now that we have broken up. Probably 24 by the time anyone reads this. I am still so dead inside from it. I have an amazing support system at work and they were all so nice today. Right now, I really want to believe them that life goes on. I kind of have to believe it since John already has a new girlfriend. But it just doesn't seem to be falling into place for me. I can't seem to make it go in the right direction, no matter how hard I try!
If anyone has ever been through a nasty, nasty break up please let me know what you did to get your mind off of it and be happy again! Thanks, I would SO appreciate that right now!
July 2, 2009
It's Time
I know I just posted yesterday about feeling like shit but it's been going on since if not before the break up that happened two weeks and 3 days ago.
I am doing really bad. Not just emotionally but physically which isnt helping the whole emotional thing. I am trying to look ahead and be positive but I just cant, everything I ever saw in my future involved John and I can't seem to picture anything but him in my future which just breaks my heart all over again.
Anyways back to the bug deal at hand. I am calling my doctors, obviously not tonight, it is too late, but I am calling and making my appointments for hopefully Saturday or Tuesday.
SHIT.
I didn't want it to come to this and when I woke up this morning I felt like I might be okay, maybe just a little better than last night. After my shower, I fell apart all over again. Swollen, headache, joint problems and some massive other problems that would require some more explaining before I write about them.
SHIT.
This sucks. I seriously hate my life right now. Hate it. And that's sad and I don't want to hate it but every time I try to be happy and do something that would make me happy I just picture John there with me.
It's sad to live like this and I truly hope that some day I can be like him and move on.
I just want some peace in my life.
I am doing really bad. Not just emotionally but physically which isnt helping the whole emotional thing. I am trying to look ahead and be positive but I just cant, everything I ever saw in my future involved John and I can't seem to picture anything but him in my future which just breaks my heart all over again.
Anyways back to the bug deal at hand. I am calling my doctors, obviously not tonight, it is too late, but I am calling and making my appointments for hopefully Saturday or Tuesday.
SHIT.
I didn't want it to come to this and when I woke up this morning I felt like I might be okay, maybe just a little better than last night. After my shower, I fell apart all over again. Swollen, headache, joint problems and some massive other problems that would require some more explaining before I write about them.
SHIT.
This sucks. I seriously hate my life right now. Hate it. And that's sad and I don't want to hate it but every time I try to be happy and do something that would make me happy I just picture John there with me.
It's sad to live like this and I truly hope that some day I can be like him and move on.
I just want some peace in my life.
July 1, 2009
Nothing New... Well, Not Really
I still feel like shit. No. I am not okay. I feel like I will never be okay.
However, there is some "new" news.
I guess it isn't new news because it has been happening since I was in 6th grade/9th grade.
I won't go into my medical history but if you add it up I have approximately 10 medical diagnoses.
I am a sick person every day. It isn't a cold that goes away it is something I have lived with since the time they appeared. Noncurable but not really life threatening.
Anyways, back to the "new" news. I had been doing SO good since I had started dating John. Although I am still on all of my medications, I was doing better. No breakthrough pain, no real bad problems.
Well, it's been 2 weeks and a day and a half and I am doing terribly medical wise. I have been having severe edema, severe swelling and fluid, severe pain and severe neurological symptoms. I am not doing good, at all, emotionally or medically.
Medications aren't helping now and I am starting to get worried. I feel like every night will finally be the night I cave and have to be admitted to the hospital.
SHIT.
I hate being a patient in the hospital, especially when I have so many diagnoses. The medications aren't going to miraculously start working and there is nothing new wrong with me that wasn't wrong with me in the first place.
It is just a big sit around and stare at walls fest. I am not ready for that right now. I am not ready for life outside of my mind right now. But I wasn't ready for these medical problems and am really really really.... etc. etc. struggling.
I wish someone could make it better or that it was just a nightmare that I could wake up from.
Please someone tell me it will get better.
However, there is some "new" news.
I guess it isn't new news because it has been happening since I was in 6th grade/9th grade.
I won't go into my medical history but if you add it up I have approximately 10 medical diagnoses.
I am a sick person every day. It isn't a cold that goes away it is something I have lived with since the time they appeared. Noncurable but not really life threatening.
Anyways, back to the "new" news. I had been doing SO good since I had started dating John. Although I am still on all of my medications, I was doing better. No breakthrough pain, no real bad problems.
Well, it's been 2 weeks and a day and a half and I am doing terribly medical wise. I have been having severe edema, severe swelling and fluid, severe pain and severe neurological symptoms. I am not doing good, at all, emotionally or medically.
Medications aren't helping now and I am starting to get worried. I feel like every night will finally be the night I cave and have to be admitted to the hospital.
SHIT.
I hate being a patient in the hospital, especially when I have so many diagnoses. The medications aren't going to miraculously start working and there is nothing new wrong with me that wasn't wrong with me in the first place.
It is just a big sit around and stare at walls fest. I am not ready for that right now. I am not ready for life outside of my mind right now. But I wasn't ready for these medical problems and am really really really.... etc. etc. struggling.
I wish someone could make it better or that it was just a nightmare that I could wake up from.
Please someone tell me it will get better.
June 17, 2009
Might As Well Have An Update
Well. It's been a long couple of days.
I haven't slept or ate anything for about 4 days now. I feel like shit but every time I try to eat I just get sick so it's not really worth doing.
Anyways, Monday night, so 2 days ago. John and I ended our relationship. It's no longer a break. It's a true break up. There was crying and screaming and he just wanted to get it over with.
As far as I know and from what I have heard from reliable sources (very reliable) there is another girl in the picture. I guess that's the worst part. I couldn't be good enough for him.
I guess I realize that some day I will move on again but right now I am stuck in a deep deep deep rut that is trapping me and wont let me out. I feel like I need to talk to him one more time and get closure. I don't know how to talk to him anymore though. I need him to understand that I am hurting and he shattered every part of me for a while. I need him to understand what he did is his fault and not mine. I also want to write his parents notes and thank them for everything while we were together.
It's rather difficult working through this in my head and I miss part of having a boyfriend where I had someone to cuddle with and to talk to and to kiss goodnight. I would love to have that again someday but from how I feel now I am worried that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.
I don't know what to do! I'm just in limbo land. And heartbroken.
I haven't slept or ate anything for about 4 days now. I feel like shit but every time I try to eat I just get sick so it's not really worth doing.
Anyways, Monday night, so 2 days ago. John and I ended our relationship. It's no longer a break. It's a true break up. There was crying and screaming and he just wanted to get it over with.
As far as I know and from what I have heard from reliable sources (very reliable) there is another girl in the picture. I guess that's the worst part. I couldn't be good enough for him.
I guess I realize that some day I will move on again but right now I am stuck in a deep deep deep rut that is trapping me and wont let me out. I feel like I need to talk to him one more time and get closure. I don't know how to talk to him anymore though. I need him to understand that I am hurting and he shattered every part of me for a while. I need him to understand what he did is his fault and not mine. I also want to write his parents notes and thank them for everything while we were together.
It's rather difficult working through this in my head and I miss part of having a boyfriend where I had someone to cuddle with and to talk to and to kiss goodnight. I would love to have that again someday but from how I feel now I am worried that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.
I don't know what to do! I'm just in limbo land. And heartbroken.
June 12, 2009
devestated
i am devestated.
i am sick to my stomach. i can't sleep.
i packed up all of john's things. my room is so empty with out all his stuff in it.
im not giving up. i know it seems like it but i havent given up just yet. not until he tells me its over.
im giving him his space and time. im not calling him even though i would love to hear his voice.
i guess there is good news to report. before he told me we were going on a "break" we got his labs drawn for his liver appointment on monday. his labs were so low from what they have been. i was so happy until about 1 minute later when john told me what he came down to toledo to tell me.
my world is shattered right now. thank you to everyone for your support. i really do appreciate all of it even though i dont always show it.
if you need me ill be the one in the corner. trying to cry. still.
i am sick to my stomach. i can't sleep.
i packed up all of john's things. my room is so empty with out all his stuff in it.
im not giving up. i know it seems like it but i havent given up just yet. not until he tells me its over.
im giving him his space and time. im not calling him even though i would love to hear his voice.
i guess there is good news to report. before he told me we were going on a "break" we got his labs drawn for his liver appointment on monday. his labs were so low from what they have been. i was so happy until about 1 minute later when john told me what he came down to toledo to tell me.
my world is shattered right now. thank you to everyone for your support. i really do appreciate all of it even though i dont always show it.
if you need me ill be the one in the corner. trying to cry. still.
Break Time
Yeah. It finally happened.
John and I are on a "break" which in all experiences, both personal and with my friends, means that we "broke up".
He came into town today just to tell me. He didn't give me reason and at the time I didnt want one but now I do and I want him back and I need him back and I know he isn't coming back and my heart is absolutely broken into a zillion pieces.
I get it why they call it a break because everything in you breaks and falls to pieces. Pieces that are too small to put back together and even find.
I don't know what to do I have to erase him from my life now and everything I have and everything I do reminds me of him!
I have to get rid of the albums of pictures we have and the clothes that I stole/ borrowed from him and make it known on my blog and Facebook that we broke up.
Everything hurts so bad right now. I just want to cry but I cant because even if I try to just let the tears flow they refuse.
I feel like my life has ended and I don't know how to pick the pieces back up and try again.
I know I have people in my life that still love me but he was the one for me and now I am having the toughest time trying to start again and live life again. I am just plain heartbroken and I don't know how to heal anymore. For all my medical issues I take meds, I dont have meds for a broken heart and time isn't helping, no matter how hard I try to ignore it or sift through it in my head I still don't get it and that is the worst part, not understand where it all went wrong.
John and I are on a "break" which in all experiences, both personal and with my friends, means that we "broke up".
He came into town today just to tell me. He didn't give me reason and at the time I didnt want one but now I do and I want him back and I need him back and I know he isn't coming back and my heart is absolutely broken into a zillion pieces.
I get it why they call it a break because everything in you breaks and falls to pieces. Pieces that are too small to put back together and even find.
I don't know what to do I have to erase him from my life now and everything I have and everything I do reminds me of him!
I have to get rid of the albums of pictures we have and the clothes that I stole/ borrowed from him and make it known on my blog and Facebook that we broke up.
Everything hurts so bad right now. I just want to cry but I cant because even if I try to just let the tears flow they refuse.
I feel like my life has ended and I don't know how to pick the pieces back up and try again.
I know I have people in my life that still love me but he was the one for me and now I am having the toughest time trying to start again and live life again. I am just plain heartbroken and I don't know how to heal anymore. For all my medical issues I take meds, I dont have meds for a broken heart and time isn't helping, no matter how hard I try to ignore it or sift through it in my head I still don't get it and that is the worst part, not understand where it all went wrong.
June 9, 2009
So I just found this out!
This is so cool! I just found this on my blogger friend, Jessica's blog!
Kelly Ripa, and this one washer/dryer brand are raising money for ovarian cancer research!
HOW COOL!!!
Now, I am not being sarcastic when I say that I really think it is cool! I am sorry to any this may offend but I think breast cancer gets too much publicity and they get all the fundraising opportunities! I understand that it is a huge cancer in women however, more women die from other cancers, such as ovarian cancer.
My mother and my sister both had ovarian cancer. My sister was diagnosed at age 17 (the youngest age ever in Toledo, OH history)! My mom was diagnosed on Thanksgiving 2005. She was 53.
I love my mom and sister so much and I love that people are reaching out for this terrible disease and trying to help people who are affected by it! I know my family was, twice, and we will never be the same. It is a very difficult diagnosis. It has a poor survival rate and even if you do survive you will have to have a hysterectomy and then will not be able to have kids of your own (sometimes people think that is worse than death!)
Anyways I wish I knew how to link to Jessica's blog and to this lemonade stand and all the other sites I know that are trying to raise money for this awful disease! But I am a novice at the computer stuff and have no idea how to even begin doing that. Anyways, go to Google and look all this stuff up and open a lemonade stand and give LOTS and LOTS o' money to them!
Thank you Jessica for letting everyone know about this stuff! This is GREAT!
Kelly Ripa, and this one washer/dryer brand are raising money for ovarian cancer research!
HOW COOL!!!
Now, I am not being sarcastic when I say that I really think it is cool! I am sorry to any this may offend but I think breast cancer gets too much publicity and they get all the fundraising opportunities! I understand that it is a huge cancer in women however, more women die from other cancers, such as ovarian cancer.
My mother and my sister both had ovarian cancer. My sister was diagnosed at age 17 (the youngest age ever in Toledo, OH history)! My mom was diagnosed on Thanksgiving 2005. She was 53.
I love my mom and sister so much and I love that people are reaching out for this terrible disease and trying to help people who are affected by it! I know my family was, twice, and we will never be the same. It is a very difficult diagnosis. It has a poor survival rate and even if you do survive you will have to have a hysterectomy and then will not be able to have kids of your own (sometimes people think that is worse than death!)
Anyways I wish I knew how to link to Jessica's blog and to this lemonade stand and all the other sites I know that are trying to raise money for this awful disease! But I am a novice at the computer stuff and have no idea how to even begin doing that. Anyways, go to Google and look all this stuff up and open a lemonade stand and give LOTS and LOTS o' money to them!
Thank you Jessica for letting everyone know about this stuff! This is GREAT!
June 4, 2009
Tired
I don't feel like posting. My laundry is sitting in the washer. Done. Wet. Probably getting mildew-y. Oh well.
I'm tired of this summer. I want to be back in school. I want John to come home. I want John's liver to be fixed. I want all this liver shit to be over with.
John hasn't talked to me in a while but when he did he told me he feels terrible and looks worse. I haven't seen him in about 1 month so I have no idea what he looks like and I can't see it over the webcam (especially because we aren't using Skype anymore).
He is getting all the classic symptoms of liver failure (like he had at the beginning of all of this) and I can only imagine it is getting a lot worse. I would really like to know what his labs are but he is getting it done at a different hospital (back in Chelsea) so I wont get to see the results and since he had to reschedule his appointment I can't go to that either. We were going to talk to her about his hernia and maybe getting some more meds for his liver. I was very excited to go. I didn't schedule work on that day because of it and now he rescheduled it for a day I have to work.
I am completely bummed by this entire summer. Hopefully it starts getting better and I hope John starts getting better too!
I'm tired of this summer. I want to be back in school. I want John to come home. I want John's liver to be fixed. I want all this liver shit to be over with.
John hasn't talked to me in a while but when he did he told me he feels terrible and looks worse. I haven't seen him in about 1 month so I have no idea what he looks like and I can't see it over the webcam (especially because we aren't using Skype anymore).
He is getting all the classic symptoms of liver failure (like he had at the beginning of all of this) and I can only imagine it is getting a lot worse. I would really like to know what his labs are but he is getting it done at a different hospital (back in Chelsea) so I wont get to see the results and since he had to reschedule his appointment I can't go to that either. We were going to talk to her about his hernia and maybe getting some more meds for his liver. I was very excited to go. I didn't schedule work on that day because of it and now he rescheduled it for a day I have to work.
I am completely bummed by this entire summer. Hopefully it starts getting better and I hope John starts getting better too!
June 2, 2009
Update
Well this next sage/ year in my life has started off terrible. Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 22 years old and I guess it is double numbers b/c 22 has started off terrible and 11 was an awful year for me too!
I am not going into details. Not right now anyways. I work the next 4 days and I already would like to just die because of it. 4 12 hour shifts is never fun especially when you have to lift patients and wipe asses all day. Sorry that was rude. I do like my job it's just that I am very on edge right now and I can't get over this terrible angry-ness (not a word probably I know) that I have.
Oh well maybe it will be okay at work this week and I wont want to die andd quit. Hopefully.
Sorry for the terrible post. I just had to get it off my chest.
J
I am not going into details. Not right now anyways. I work the next 4 days and I already would like to just die because of it. 4 12 hour shifts is never fun especially when you have to lift patients and wipe asses all day. Sorry that was rude. I do like my job it's just that I am very on edge right now and I can't get over this terrible angry-ness (not a word probably I know) that I have.
Oh well maybe it will be okay at work this week and I wont want to die andd quit. Hopefully.
Sorry for the terrible post. I just had to get it off my chest.
J
May 27, 2009
My New Dresser!
I finally finished my dresser. The finished product is pretty awesome (for space) it isn't the prettiest thing I have ever seen (but it's cuter than my little kids dresser).
This picture is of my old dresser. It might look big but not for all my clothes (even after I cleaned out my clothes like 5 times to try to make it all fit):
These next 2 pictures are of my new dresser (YAY!) and the one has the knobs that I got the other day to add to it. It's pretty spacious but it is smaller than the last one I had but the bonus with this one is that it actually has drawers!:
(I do have to say I am pretty proud of doing everything, except the handles (because I am not trusted with power tools) by myself!)
Also, if anyone knows how to flip pictures in the posts so they are actually going the right way that would be great if you could let me know! Thanks!
This picture is of my old dresser. It might look big but not for all my clothes (even after I cleaned out my clothes like 5 times to try to make it all fit):
These next 2 pictures are of my new dresser (YAY!) and the one has the knobs that I got the other day to add to it. It's pretty spacious but it is smaller than the last one I had but the bonus with this one is that it actually has drawers!:
(I do have to say I am pretty proud of doing everything, except the handles (because I am not trusted with power tools) by myself!)
Also, if anyone knows how to flip pictures in the posts so they are actually going the right way that would be great if you could let me know! Thanks!
May 25, 2009
Happy Memorial Day
Happy Memorial Day! I hope all of you had a wonderful day off of work (if you got one) and spent some lovely time relaxing.
I went to Ikea in Canton and sadly missed the stop that I was going to have in Chelsea so I didn't get to see John but there is rumor of him coming into town Thursday for a few hours! YAY!
Anyways I FINALLY bought a dresser at Ikea! I have been looking for about 7 years for a new dresser. The one I got isn't the most fantastic thing I have ever seen but it was cheap and bigger than the one I have. When I do get it done (btw it is taking me a long while to buld it!) I will have pictures of the before and after! YAY! It already looks so much more spacious and I really hope it will be!
Anyways back to the reason of the day, Memorial Day! I have many a friend (see list below) that are in the Army (only Army of course, HOOAH!!). I love all of my friends dearly and my boyfriend, John, use to be in the Army too! HOOAH!
Anyways I would just like to give a shout out to all of my Army friends and hope they are safe when they are over there fighting and want to let them know (even though they dont read this) that I would LOVE A PHONE CALL ONCE IN A WHILE!! Anyways here goes with my list:
Mjr. Snelling, Sgt. Parks, Col. Hagan
Lindsay S.
Mr. and Mrs. Brian M.
Billy R.
Matthew S.
Carly S.
Christine T.
Jennifer R.
Alex H.
Eilis C.
Nate F.
Col. Ovendon
Maj. Z
Those are my close friends and there are so many more that I wont list because I'm not that close with the rest of them but these people are so wonderful and I love all of them!
Anyways please be safe my friends and come back home to me. Don't you dare die or get injured on me! I love all of you!
Happy Memorial Day!
I went to Ikea in Canton and sadly missed the stop that I was going to have in Chelsea so I didn't get to see John but there is rumor of him coming into town Thursday for a few hours! YAY!
Anyways I FINALLY bought a dresser at Ikea! I have been looking for about 7 years for a new dresser. The one I got isn't the most fantastic thing I have ever seen but it was cheap and bigger than the one I have. When I do get it done (btw it is taking me a long while to buld it!) I will have pictures of the before and after! YAY! It already looks so much more spacious and I really hope it will be!
Anyways back to the reason of the day, Memorial Day! I have many a friend (see list below) that are in the Army (only Army of course, HOOAH!!). I love all of my friends dearly and my boyfriend, John, use to be in the Army too! HOOAH!
Anyways I would just like to give a shout out to all of my Army friends and hope they are safe when they are over there fighting and want to let them know (even though they dont read this) that I would LOVE A PHONE CALL ONCE IN A WHILE!! Anyways here goes with my list:
Mjr. Snelling, Sgt. Parks, Col. Hagan
Lindsay S.
Mr. and Mrs. Brian M.
Billy R.
Matthew S.
Carly S.
Christine T.
Jennifer R.
Alex H.
Eilis C.
Nate F.
Col. Ovendon
Maj. Z
Those are my close friends and there are so many more that I wont list because I'm not that close with the rest of them but these people are so wonderful and I love all of them!
Anyways please be safe my friends and come back home to me. Don't you dare die or get injured on me! I love all of you!
Happy Memorial Day!
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